Yesterday I was thinking whether or not I should be gay.
– You cannot choose a sexual orientation.
Yes I can. Assuming that I am equally interested in males and females, I can choose who I want to be intimate with.
I spent most of my life embracing the straight (heterosexual) lifestyle. Now, after two failed marriages, I find myself at a turning point. I’m questioning everything and trying to redefine myself. Who will the new me be?
– Do you want to be gay?
Yesterday I wrote: “I want a man.” This sounds pretty gay to me. It’s not that I don’t like women. But I had two wives already. I never had a husband. I think I would like to try it. But then, friends and lovers are not things you “try.” They happen.
– So what are you saying?
I don’t know. It sounds confusing doesn’t it…
– Why did you start this post in the first place?
Oh yeah! Yesterday I was wondering if I should be gay, but today I’m asking myself: Why should my identity be based on a sexual orientation?
– It gives you focus.
True. But it also puts up barriers. Besides, I’m not looking for sex, I’m just trying to define my identity.
– What do you mean by “define” my identity?
Synonyms for Define = delineate, delimit, specify, delimitate.
Hmm… It means to put up certain limits or barriers. But what if my identity is to have no limits! Does it mean that I cannot define who I am?
– How did you define yourself in your About page?
I wrote: “Daemon is a free spirit…” You see? This is my most basic, true, profound identity. I am a free spirit. I am not even human. I could be an alien for all I know.
– But what about your incarnation as a human male, are you ignoring it?
In this blog I am, yes.
Because I wanted to focus on the spiritual. Do you have a problem with that?
– I don’t, but you do.
You’re right. I do. I’m having an identity crisis. It’s because of my physical body. I’m not just a spirit, I’m responsible for the life of a physical human man. So is it wrong to define myself as a spirit?
– Maybe you need to define the experiences that the spirit wishes to have on earth.
So I could choose to “be gay” in order to delineate my upcoming experiences, is that what you’re saying?
Interesting… Something to think about… There are so many possibilities… I’m not even sure which experiences I wish to have. Sometimes I feel so fed up with this world, I just want to pack my bags and leave (die).