Coming Out

Freedom1

Today someone liked a blogpost I wrote over 10 months ago.  It’s the one entitled My Frigging Loved Ones.  So I reread it.  Something struck me.  This sentence:

“I noticed that I started to transform and I’m afraid that if ever I decide to come out, no one will recognize me.”

When I wrote “to come out” I was not referring to sexual orientation.  But now I’m looking at my recent posts, and it seems to me that this is what’s happening.

I’m a bit disappointed because this is not what I expected.  When I wrote it ten months ago, I was referring to coming out of my cocoon.  Hopefully with wings.  Like a butterfly.  I was thinking of death and resurrection, not a switch in physical attraction to people.

Is this what my metamorphosis was all about from the beginning?

– Relationships are what allows you to discover yourself.

So relationships are very important in the process of personal transformation.

– Indeed.

Interesting…  I never realized that there was such a close connection between sexual orientation and spiritual development.

I feel the need to come out.  At least on my blog.  This morning I read another blogger’s post and I feel called to do the same as her.  But at the same time, I don’t think it matters much.  I don’t think it will have an effect on anyone else.  Some readers might be turned off.  But I’m going to do it anyway.

Here it goes:

I am bisexual.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a male.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a female.  Sometimes I am attracted to both.  Sometimes I am attracted to none.  At this moment my attraction leans toward males.  I’m sure it has something to do with the disappointment I am currently experiencing regarding my last intimate relationship with a female.

To me, sexuality is about intimacy.  Getting close to someone physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  It’s not just about physical pleasure, but also about the joy of sharing on many levels.  We never know what a relationship can bring.  Sometimes it’s pleasant, sometimes it’s not.  But one thing is certain.  Relationships stimulate self-discovery and growth.  Therefore, who I choose to be intimate with matters much.

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Identity Crisis

Gud04

Yesterday I was thinking whether or not I should be gay.

– You cannot choose a sexual orientation.

Yes I can.  Assuming that I am equally interested in males and females, I can choose who I want to be intimate with.

I spent most of my life embracing the straight (heterosexual) lifestyle.  Now, after two failed marriages, I find myself at a turning point.  I’m questioning everything and trying to redefine myself.  Who will the new me be?

– Do you want to be gay?

Yesterday I wrote:  “I want a man.”  This sounds pretty gay to me.  It’s not that I don’t like women.  But I had two wives already.  I never had a husband.  I think I would like to try it.  But then, friends and lovers are not things you “try.”  They happen.

– So what are you saying?

I don’t know.  It sounds confusing doesn’t it…

– Why did you start this post in the first place?

Oh yeah!  Yesterday I was wondering if I should be gay, but today I’m asking myself:  Why should my identity be based on a sexual orientation?

– It gives you focus.

True.  But it also puts up barriers.  Besides, I’m not looking for sex, I’m just trying to define my identity.

– What do you mean by “define” my identity?

Synonyms for Define = delineate, delimit, specify, delimitate.

Hmm…  It means to put up certain limits or barriers.  But what if my identity is to have no limits!  Does it mean that I cannot define who I am?

– How did you define yourself in your About page?

I wrote:  “Daemon is a free spirit…”  You see?  This is my most basic, true, profound identity.  I am a free spirit.  I am not even human.  I could be an alien for all I know.

– But what about your incarnation as a human male, are you ignoring it?

In this blog I am, yes.

– Why?

Because I wanted to focus on the spiritual.  Do you have a problem with that?

– I don’t, but you do.

You’re right.  I do.  I’m having an identity crisis.  It’s because of my physical body.  I’m not just a spirit, I’m responsible for the life of a physical human man.  So is it wrong to define myself as a spirit?

– Maybe you need to define the experiences that the spirit wishes to have on earth.

So I could choose to “be gay” in order to delineate my upcoming experiences, is that what you’re saying?

– Yep.

Interesting…  Something to think about…  There are so many possibilities…  I’m not even sure which experiences I wish to have.  Sometimes I feel so fed up with this world, I just want to pack my bags and leave (die).