The Mark of Infamy

infamy1

My father said he would kill me if I ever turned homo.  I was 14 years old.  I wonder how much this has affected my sexual development.

That evening I swallowed half a bottle of aspirin.  I knew they were painkillers.  I was not in pain.  I think I was foreseeing the pain that was to come.

I didn’t know much at age 14.  I knew practically nothing of personal identity and even less about sexual orientation.  I was simply me.  But I learned something important that day:  A homo doesn’t deserve to live.

I didn’t think I was a homo.  I hardly knew what the word meant.  In my teenage mind, the word homo meant “like a girl.”  I was a boy.  So to be “like a girl” was abominable.

I could have been a thief, a liar, or even a murderer, and my father would have forgiven me.  But if I was gay, I deserved to die — to be killed by my own father.

To be bisexual was even worse.  That was the ultimate disgrace, the most perverted thing on the face of this earth.

I was bisexual.

The mark of infamy was on me.  I didn’t deserve to live and I didn’t deserve to be happy.   And if I was to ever succumb to my sexual desires, it would be the end of me.

I don’t think I ever got over it.  Even now, decades later.  My father is dead.  I am free but I am not.  He left something in me.  The mark of infamy.  I wish I could pluck it out.

How can I be bisexual and proud?

I AM proud of myself.  But I am not proud of myself in regards to THEM — my family.  Bisexuality is not something to be proud of according to Christianity.

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11 thoughts on “The Mark of Infamy”

  1. I can’t tell you how angry this makes me feel: that religion makes you feel ‘less than worthy’, or worthless. Fuck that. No god would create something unworthy of absolute Love ❤️
    I’m Bisexual and I LOVE myself- I get the best of both worlds whenever I want them, & I deserve it all 😊
    I wish you peace and self acceptance… you can have it you know 🌈❤ G

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to say that I am a Christian and the whole “gay is not the right way” or “gay is a demon” thing, it makes me question my faith. God doesn’t make mistakes. And I know there are people who are gay, or bi. I hate the notion that some Christians use of “practicing gay.” They say it’s acceptable to be gay, but not a practicing gay. And the idea if “reform.” My heart breaks for gays who decide they need to conform to religious standards and marry straight. It must be a terrible thing to never be your true self or find true love.

    I could rant on this forever. I’m sorry you feel rejected by your family or ashamed. They are the ones missing out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is an incredibly powerful piece of writing. You are touching on some very deep issues about identity, judgement and stigma. At a young age, particularly “back then” when things were much more challenging when identity included sexuality – these topics could scar you, scar you in the moment, and scar you for life. I hope that you are able to slowly and patiently open up your heart and that these scars may heal.
    oxo Harlon

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There are people who have injured me because they were scared and those who have helped me heal because they cared. Thanks to the brave ones, I am able to slowly and patiently open up my heart and heal. Hugs to you Har.

      Like

  4. It must have taken a lot to post this. Well done, it gave me chills to read because I could empathise so closely with how you felt. I’ve written a similar story about something my Dad said and thinking about killing myself. But it’s sat in my drafts for months, I haven’t been able to post it yet. Keep up your metamorphosis.

    Liked by 1 person

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