My father said he would kill me if I ever turned homo. I was 14 years old. I wonder how much this has affected my sexual development.
That evening I swallowed half a bottle of aspirin. I knew they were painkillers. I was not in pain. I think I was foreseeing the pain that was to come.
I didn’t know much at age 14. I knew practically nothing of personal identity and even less about sexual orientation. I was simply me. But I learned something important that day: A homo doesn’t deserve to live.
I didn’t think I was a homo. I hardly knew what the word meant. In my teenage mind, the word homo meant “like a girl.” I was a boy. So to be “like a girl” was abominable.
I could have been a thief, a liar, or even a murderer, and my father would have forgiven me. But if I was gay, I deserved to die — to be killed by my own father.
To be bisexual was even worse. That was the ultimate disgrace, the most perverted thing on the face of this earth.
I was bisexual.
The mark of infamy was on me. I didn’t deserve to live and I didn’t deserve to be happy. And if I was to ever succumb to my sexual desires, it would be the end of me.
I don’t think I ever got over it. Even now, decades later. My father is dead. I am free but I am not. He left something in me. The mark of infamy. I wish I could pluck it out.
How can I be bisexual and proud?
I AM proud of myself. But I am not proud of myself in regards to THEM — my family. Bisexuality is not something to be proud of according to Christianity.
Thank you for sharing this and for reading my post as well. It’s incredibly hard growing up bisexual in a Christian family, & I hope you find the peace and acceptance you deserve. Much love.
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Yes and even after the growing up phase, the disgrace is always palpable when facing family. Thank you so much for your support and love.
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I can’t tell you how angry this makes me feel: that religion makes you feel ‘less than worthy’, or worthless. Fuck that. No god would create something unworthy of absolute Love ❤️
I’m Bisexual and I LOVE myself- I get the best of both worlds whenever I want them, & I deserve it all 😊
I wish you peace and self acceptance… you can have it you know 🌈❤ G
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The energy you exude is contagious, even as a virtual presence. Thank you!
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You’re welcome. And you’re very valuable D 😃🌈
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I have to say that I am a Christian and the whole “gay is not the right way” or “gay is a demon” thing, it makes me question my faith. God doesn’t make mistakes. And I know there are people who are gay, or bi. I hate the notion that some Christians use of “practicing gay.” They say it’s acceptable to be gay, but not a practicing gay. And the idea if “reform.” My heart breaks for gays who decide they need to conform to religious standards and marry straight. It must be a terrible thing to never be your true self or find true love.
I could rant on this forever. I’m sorry you feel rejected by your family or ashamed. They are the ones missing out.
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Your comment is very meaningful. Thank you for taking the time to share.
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This is an incredibly powerful piece of writing. You are touching on some very deep issues about identity, judgement and stigma. At a young age, particularly “back then” when things were much more challenging when identity included sexuality – these topics could scar you, scar you in the moment, and scar you for life. I hope that you are able to slowly and patiently open up your heart and that these scars may heal.
oxo Harlon
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There are people who have injured me because they were scared and those who have helped me heal because they cared. Thanks to the brave ones, I am able to slowly and patiently open up my heart and heal. Hugs to you Har.
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Open up and heal. 🙂
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It must have taken a lot to post this. Well done, it gave me chills to read because I could empathise so closely with how you felt. I’ve written a similar story about something my Dad said and thinking about killing myself. But it’s sat in my drafts for months, I haven’t been able to post it yet. Keep up your metamorphosis.
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