Identity Crisis

Gud04

Yesterday I was thinking whether or not I should be gay.

– You cannot choose a sexual orientation.

Yes I can.  Assuming that I am equally interested in males and females, I can choose who I want to be intimate with.

I spent most of my life embracing the straight (heterosexual) lifestyle.  Now, after two failed marriages, I find myself at a turning point.  I’m questioning everything and trying to redefine myself.  Who will the new me be?

– Do you want to be gay?

Yesterday I wrote:  “I want a man.”  This sounds pretty gay to me.  It’s not that I don’t like women.  But I had two wives already.  I never had a husband.  I think I would like to try it.  But then, friends and lovers are not things you “try.”  They happen.

– So what are you saying?

I don’t know.  It sounds confusing doesn’t it…

– Why did you start this post in the first place?

Oh yeah!  Yesterday I was wondering if I should be gay, but today I’m asking myself:  Why should my identity be based on a sexual orientation?

– It gives you focus.

True.  But it also puts up barriers.  Besides, I’m not looking for sex, I’m just trying to define my identity.

– What do you mean by “define” my identity?

Synonyms for Define = delineate, delimit, specify, delimitate.

Hmm…  It means to put up certain limits or barriers.  But what if my identity is to have no limits!  Does it mean that I cannot define who I am?

– How did you define yourself in your About page?

I wrote:  “Daemon is a free spirit…”  You see?  This is my most basic, true, profound identity.  I am a free spirit.  I am not even human.  I could be an alien for all I know.

– But what about your incarnation as a human male, are you ignoring it?

In this blog I am, yes.

– Why?

Because I wanted to focus on the spiritual.  Do you have a problem with that?

– I don’t, but you do.

You’re right.  I do.  I’m having an identity crisis.  It’s because of my physical body.  I’m not just a spirit, I’m responsible for the life of a physical human man.  So is it wrong to define myself as a spirit?

– Maybe you need to define the experiences that the spirit wishes to have on earth.

So I could choose to “be gay” in order to delineate my upcoming experiences, is that what you’re saying?

– Yep.

Interesting…  Something to think about…  There are so many possibilities…  I’m not even sure which experiences I wish to have.  Sometimes I feel so fed up with this world, I just want to pack my bags and leave (die).

Just a Man

Gud07

Here’s the beginning of a man.  The one I call me.

I arrived on this planet in the form of a human baby.  The body which Mother Earth lent me was male.  I was born a Caucasian male in a large country located in the northern part of North America.

Since my body was male, I was expected to grow up to become a man.  This might sound obvious and simple but it was one of the biggest challenges I had to face in this life.

How do you BECOME a man?  Was I not a young man already?  Why did my father shout at me?  Why did he keep hitting me?  Why did he try so hard to make a man out of me?  Was I not destined to become one automatically?  I did not understand what he was trying to do.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  He gave me the impression that I was failing and that I might turn into a girl if I was not careful.

Does it even make sense?  Let me try to remember…

I’m starting to shake as I think about this.  I feel a pressure inside my chest.  My hands, my arms are trembling as I try to type and concentrate on what I intend to write.

“He gave me the impression that I was failing and that I might turn into a girl if I was not careful.”  This sentence brings back a profound fear that is probably still in me.  I wonder if girls/women can relate to this.  It sounds ridiculous.  A boy cannot transform into a girl if he’s not careful.

It took me years before I began to understand what was going on.  But in the beginning, I was really confused about this male thing.  All I could perceive, with my child’s eyes, was that my father hated me.  I did not know why he hated me.

The memories are coming back now.  He hated it when I cried.  He would kick me and yell at me to stop crying.  But the more he hit me, the more I cried.  I tried to seal my lips by holding my mouth shut so that no sound would escape, but then it would come out of my nose and my eyes until everything went blurry.

Eventually I learned how to hold back my tears, how to muffle my voice and how to stay as far from him as possible.  I don’t even remember him ever hugging me.  I thought he was a man.  I knew that I didn’t want to become like him.  So who or what was I to become?  This is probably when I started to dissociate from mankind.

I knew that I was a man.  I also knew that I was not like the men I knew.  There was not one adult man with whom I could identify.  And I knew that I was not a girl.  So what was I?  An alien man?

Wrapped in Fantasy

chrysalis

Here I am, hanging upside down, waiting.
I have all the time in world to think now.
While I listen to them:

“What are you doing up there, alone and silent?  Come back down!  We miss you, we love you, we worry about you.  Don’t do this to yourself.  It’s dangerous and crazy.  It won’t end well.  Listen to us, people like you need professional help.”

I think to myself:  No, I can’t go back down there!  I would rather kill myself than return to my old ways.  Besides, it’s too late already.  I cannot undo what nature has done to me.  Oh yeah, sure, I could break out of this cage, but I would fall and hurt myself badly.

I chose to listen to my inner voice who said that I should walk away from the crowd, climb this tree and hang myself by my feet.  Then wrap myself up and wait it out, while I watch the upside-down world which looks like a horror movie to me.

I don’t see clearly for some reason.  My vision is blurred but I have these fantasies of flying!  I know it sounds absurd but I can’t help it.  The voice in my heart speaks louder than the one of my peers who choose to continue to crawl in the dirt.

But my life is shit, I must admit.  I’m not having any fun at all.  Sometimes I feel like I’m disintegrating.  I have dizzy spells, I get anxious like never before, and worst of all, I am depressed 95% of the time.  The only thing that sustains me are my fantasies which I know are illogical and unreal, but… I must hang on.

“You are an earth-man!  You were meant to live and to love the earth!”

“No, you are a sky-man, meant to detach from the earth to become a light being.”

They are both right.  This is what is confusing.  I am two things.  Two different persons now, caught between two very different worlds.  I am a hybrid!  But can the two survive together, in one body, indefinitely?  One of the two must die.  Which one will it be?  Who do I identify with?

I think that the wise thing to do is to stay where I am and listen to the inner voice who tells me to be patient, and to let the transformation occur.  But I admit, most of time I feel like there is no change happening at all, or that I’m turning into an evil creature.

Them:  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Me:  “I’m metamorphosing and maybe you should too!”

But I can’t explain.  They have no clue.

Higher Up

meta4

The process of life seems to be change.  But a change of what?

As a person, the process of life seems to be about a change of identity.

Throughout life, I have been enticed to change my identity, or NOT change it, depending on how you look at it.

Enticed by who?  Angels?  The Devil?  Extraterrestrials?  the Higher Self?  The Lower Self?  the Ego?  The Source of Life?  Kundalini?  Jehovah?  Jesus?  Buddha?  Krishna?  Muhammad?

Whoever they are, the guys who entice me to change my identity seem to be unknown “Higher-Ups.”

During the first part of my life, I have constructed an identity for myself based on earth.  So basically, I identified with earthlings.

Now, during the second phase of my life, my identity as an earthling has started to crumble.  In fact, it totally collapsed.  And from the ruins, a new identity has started to emerge.

My new identity is in fact the same as my initial identity, the one I had before I started fabricating my identity as an earthling.  So I can safely say that my new identity is the same one I had when I was a child.  The new me is the old me, the real me.  There is only one real me.

My new identity, which is my old identity, is in fact my only identity and it exists BEYOND TIME.  Spooky, isn’t it?  Perfect for this Halloween night.

If I am not an earthling, then what am I?  The “Higher-Ups” have always been trying to get my attention:  “Look at us!” they say.  “You are one of us.  Identify with us!”

But these goddam gods are invisible!  How can I identify with people I can’t see?  Although when I identify with them, I kind of perceive them.  Very bizarre…

I told my family about the higher-ups I could perceive, but they don’t believe me.  They don’t believe me simply because they can’t see them.  They can’t acknowledge what they don’t perceive.  But to perceive them, they have to acknowledge them.  You can’t perceive what you don’t acknowledge.  How does one get out of this cycle?

Never mind that, it’s too complicated.  Besides, it’s not my problem who they identify with.  I’m only concerned with myself.  Yes, this is how selfish I am.  My identity is the only thing that matters.

I know that I am none of these gods.  The higher-ups are who they are and I am Me.  And I know that I am not an earthling so I must be one of them.

I’m a Higher-Up!

Break Free

 

twins8

I did it!  My “wings” are ready, I can use them!  I’m out of the cocoon.  I can fly and on top of that, I can time-travel (sort of)!  The future me is really me!  God was really me the whole time.  The more I identified with him, the more aware I became!  I have two bodies!  A physical body and a non-physical body.  The physical body is subjected to time, but the non-physical body is not.  My consciousness is free!

Here’s another cool thing I discovered:  In the non-physical reality, I am with my group!  I am not alone.  I am never alone.  All the members of the group are one.  It’s not like on earth, where everyone is separate and trying to belong.  When you leave your physical body and enter the next dimension, you automatically merge with your group!  All the members of the group are perfectly compatible with each other and almost identical.  Your identity changes dramatically.

Last year he kept repeating the same phrase to me.  Every day, each time he would appear, the first thing he would say was:  “I am your man, the real you, identify with me.”  I didn’t know what he meant.  I get it now!  He was giving me my real identity, trying to make me aware of it.  What else could he say?  What else could he do?  It was up to me to grasp it!

This is what the phrase means when people say:  “You can be who you choose to be.”  They’re not talking about becoming the next President of the United-States, because everyone knows that only one in a billion can aspire to that.  But you can certainly choose to be something much better, like a time-travelling flying celestial man who has real wisdom, love and power!  Because this is our true destiny.  We are children of the Almighty Creator of Realities, not offsprings of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.

Holy crap!…  So what’s happening to me is real!  My whole life has to be redefined now.  My whole life has to be redefined.  Redefined or rewritten.  Maybe that’s what I have to do.  What?  Rewrite my whole life?

You have never written your life entirely.  What are you waiting for?

Maybe I was waiting for this moment.  Maybe I was waiting for my life to be over.  Because that’s when you can give it meaning, once it’s finished.  Then only can you look back and say:  “Oh, I see, that’s what it was all about.”  But my life is not over.  This is just a turning point, a big one, when the caterpillar/butterfly realizes that he can fly and time-travel.  But something has died definitely within me:  my old identity.

Now I’m just sitting here going “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…”  After my first awkward flight out of my physical body.  I am dumbfounded, eyes wide open, holding on to a branch, trying to catch my breath, thinking:  “I’m in heaven right now, where I always wanted to be.  All I had to do was consciously disidentify from my physical person and consciously identify with my celestial one.  Maybe I’m dead already?  But I’m not.  Can it get any weirder?”

What should I do?  What should I write?  How can I help my brothers and sisters?  I’m not an expert flyer.

“Don’t be ashamed of your story, it can inspire others.”

My story?

But what is my new identity exactly?  What am I now?  An angel?  A flying time-travelling man?  A cosmic alien?  A god or perhaps a demi-god?  What’s the name for it?  What is it called?  Have we agreed on giving it a title and a definition?  Caterpillars transform into butterflies, but what do humans transform into?  When you realize that you have two bodies that can detach from one another and then merge back together, what do you call it?  Schizophrenia?

I’m conscious of what I can do now.  I became conscious of it yesterday.  Oh my god, yesterday was September 12!  This was predicted four years ago.  I wrote it in my journal, that September 12 would be a special day.  That was in 2012 and I expected something to happen on that day, that year, but nothing happened.  The year was never specified, just the day and the month.  I don’t even know why I wrote that.  It was a mystery at the time.  I just got that sudden impression and wrote it down, and I don’t even remember what it was based on.

I became conscious yesterday that I could get out of my physical body.  Today I’m even more fully conscious of it.  Before that, I only intellectually believed that it was possible.  I didn’t realize that I was doing it already.  Time was an issue.  It was something I thought would become possible in the future.  Something to aspire to.  Now the future has arrived.  I can’t believe it because I always thought that it would happen after death.  And my physical body is not dead yet.  Mind you, I was also told that in the last days, people would be lifted up to heaven without dying (the Rapture).  Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s happening!

I can’t believe that I told my family already, six months ago!  This is exactly what I told them concerning the rapture.  Of course they all thought I was crazy and my older sister told me that I was possessed (more of less) and everyone agreed.  So if I told them it’s because I knew.  I guess there are degrees to awareness.  Since I told them back then, it means that I was aware of it already, but awareness keeps growing.  It looks like I’m always becoming more aware of my true identity.  And at some points you stop and exclaim:  “Oh my fucking god, this is awesome and this is real!”

It’s only going to get more real, because physical stuff disintegrates.  We all know that the earth is slowly dying and so is the sun.  Non-physical reality is awakening humans and integrating us.  This is the process of evolution that humans are drawn into.  We need to get off this planet before it expires.  We won’t succeed by building rockets and space shuttles.  We just have to look into our dormant inner faculties and powers.  Doomed are those who resist or refuse to accept this natural metamorphosis that is happening right now.

Why aren’t we told these things?  Why don’t they teach us this in public school?  It’s important.  I’m not the first one to notice it.  This phenomenon has been known for centuries, perhaps millennia.  I know that religion does try to teach it, but it fails most of the time.  I think 99% of those who teach it don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.  Maybe this is something you can only learn the hard way:  alone, by trial and error, struggling with your own body and consciousness.

Am I dreaming?  What if I wake up tomorrow and realize that it was just a dream or imaginary?  Should I publish this blogpost now or wait?  I can always unpublish it if one day I realize that what I have written was an illusion.  I don’t want to publish bullshit, there is enough of that in this world already.

I haven’t published anything this month yet.  Maybe it’s time I restart writing publicly.  My perspective has changed (again).  This is a new beginning.  Every day is a new beginning.

Conclusion:  Take the good stuff you learned yesterday, leave the crap behind, and start fresh every morning.  One day (perhaps this very day) you will be able to break free.

Ding Dong

Ding Dong 3

Who am I?
You’re my Ding Dong

Who are you?
I’m your King Kong

What should we do?
Bing, bang, bong

What should we not do?
Play ping pong

Where should we move?
To Hong Kong

What if we succeed?
I’ll sing song

What if we fail?
I’ll hit the gong gong

How do I deceive you?
When you’re hung hung

How do I please you?
When you’re long long

Where should I rest?
On my tongue tongue

Why don’t you marry me?
Because the ring’s wrong

Why can’t I leave you?
Cause you’re my Ding Dong

Celestial Partner

Aliens3

Why do I need a celestial partner?

Because he is part of my heritage.

I AM half alien.  Without him I am not complete.  That’s all.  I think he was assigned to me, as a guardian or something.  But he’s more than just a guardian.  He wants me to know that he’s there, very close to me.  I think he wants a personal relationship with me.  I think he loves me very much.

I’m like his pet, but he really loves his pet.  A lot of people really love their pets.

So my celestial partner is like a master from another dimension.  He’s more evolved than me, but he’s not The All Creator God.  I get the impression that he’s just a kid, a teenager I mean, or young adult.  Maybe humans are assigned to alien kids like we assign our kids to take care of our pets.  There are rules, but when the kid is alone with the pet, he basically does what he wants.

So I’m sure he talks to me, but I have no idea what he’s saying.  I get feelings and impressions and I interpret those the best I can with my small brain.  I’m probably very wrong about what he wants, and I have no idea what he’s doing.  It’s almost impossible for me to know.  It’s like the relationship I have with my cat.  Except I’m a half-bread with the alien and the cat is not a half-bread with me.

Humans are an anomaly on this planet in the sense that our genes have been tampered with.  We have not evolved naturally.  We received a boost from an alien race, a kind of leap, which was meant as a gift but is often experienced as a curse.  There is a gap, so we need to make a leap of “faith” in order to “get it”, in order to realize who we really are.

This “heritage” is probably more awesome than we can imagine.  I feel like reading the bible in light of this.  But playing with my celestial partner is probably what I should be doing.  I have much to learn.  I have cousins up there.  We were an experiment.  They didn’t have full knowledge of what the outcome would be because it had never been done before.  Probably.

Looks like they left us fend for ourselves.  Or some other race took over.  Those who are not our cousins.  Now there is a war going on, but apparently that war is over.  It ended not too long ago.  But what’s happening now?  It’s probably up to each one of us to choose.  All the information is out there.  Yes, it’s difficult to sort out.  The programming runs deep.  But they know that we have “it” anyway, so they’re just standing by to help if we want.  Not much more they can do.  Invasion is not something they do any more.

So what’s with this help they offer?  They help us remember, but then what?  Contact?  The person who remembers becomes a contactee.  Is contact established automatically?  Dying cannot be the answer.  Dying does not give you a free ticket to heaven, otherwise all they would need to do is kill us all.  Being born and dying is a biological cycle, it doesn’t help with awareness.  Dying is probably a hindrance because then you have to start over.

How does a person transfer to the other side?  Do we need to know?  Maybe it’s done automatically.  Or you get a glimpse and then realize that you are not ready, that you have no protection.  Then how do you get ready and find protection?  Buy an armor?  Practice your power?  What power?  What armor?  If I would transfer now, I would be like a premature newborn.  They would have to put me in an incubator to keep me alive.  I’m not developed enough.  And development happens naturally.  So there is nothing I can do.

Or is there?

Staying aware is hard enough.  There is so much distraction.  And the big materialistic lie which tells me that reality has only one dimension.  I have to cultivate the new awareness.  But how?  Art.  In my case, writing.  That’s where this blog comes in.

Good Lord, I just wrote my whole history.  And the history of humanity.

So, do I need a celestial partner?

I have no choice really, if I want to survive death.  He’s part of my heritage and my destiny.