Identity Crisis

Gud04

Yesterday I was thinking whether or not I should be gay.

– You cannot choose a sexual orientation.

Yes I can.  Assuming that I am equally interested in males and females, I can choose who I want to be intimate with.

I spent most of my life embracing the straight (heterosexual) lifestyle.  Now, after two failed marriages, I find myself at a turning point.  I’m questioning everything and trying to redefine myself.  Who will the new me be?

– Do you want to be gay?

Yesterday I wrote:  “I want a man.”  This sounds pretty gay to me.  It’s not that I don’t like women.  But I had two wives already.  I never had a husband.  I think I would like to try it.  But then, friends and lovers are not things you “try.”  They happen.

– So what are you saying?

I don’t know.  It sounds confusing doesn’t it…

– Why did you start this post in the first place?

Oh yeah!  Yesterday I was wondering if I should be gay, but today I’m asking myself:  Why should my identity be based on a sexual orientation?

– It gives you focus.

True.  But it also puts up barriers.  Besides, I’m not looking for sex, I’m just trying to define my identity.

– What do you mean by “define” my identity?

Synonyms for Define = delineate, delimit, specify, delimitate.

Hmm…  It means to put up certain limits or barriers.  But what if my identity is to have no limits!  Does it mean that I cannot define who I am?

– How did you define yourself in your About page?

I wrote:  “Daemon is a free spirit…”  You see?  This is my most basic, true, profound identity.  I am a free spirit.  I am not even human.  I could be an alien for all I know.

– But what about your incarnation as a human male, are you ignoring it?

In this blog I am, yes.

– Why?

Because I wanted to focus on the spiritual.  Do you have a problem with that?

– I don’t, but you do.

You’re right.  I do.  I’m having an identity crisis.  It’s because of my physical body.  I’m not just a spirit, I’m responsible for the life of a physical human man.  So is it wrong to define myself as a spirit?

– Maybe you need to define the experiences that the spirit wishes to have on earth.

So I could choose to “be gay” in order to delineate my upcoming experiences, is that what you’re saying?

– Yep.

Interesting…  Something to think about…  There are so many possibilities…  I’m not even sure which experiences I wish to have.  Sometimes I feel so fed up with this world, I just want to pack my bags and leave (die).

Am I Gay?

Trust4

Here is a brief history of my sexual preferences from age 3 to 25.  It contains some explicit thoughts and some dirty words.

When I was a boy (from age 3 up to 12) I was physically attracted to ladies only.  But when puberty started, my attention turned to my penis and its erections.  I was intrigued by the pleasure I got when I did certain things with it.  I was 12 or 13 when I had my first ejaculation.

At that time, I became curious about boys my age and their penises.  I wondered if they pleasured themselves in secret just like I did.  My interest in the male form (physique) started to awaken also.  I began to notice the difference between cute guys from the not-so-cute ones.

At age 14, I started having wet dreams.  This was a surprise and an embarrassment — to wake up in a puddle of sticky sperm every now and then.  But the content of my dreams was what troubled me the most.  In these lucid dreams, I was almost always in the school yard and I would pull down a boy’s pants, suck his dick and then force him to suck mine.  These dreams disturbed me because I would find myself so excited when I woke up.  I thought I was turning into a homosexual and I was horrified!

In the meantime, in real life, I would date girls only.  Girls were attracted to me and it was easy to find a girlfriend.  I had many.  I would discreetly look at guys from the corner of my eyes, but would only allow myself to hug, fondle and French kiss girls.  I wanted my interest in guys to go away, but the more I repressed it, the more explicit my dreams became.

At age 19, I decided to do something about it.  I went to see a counselor.  I was so afraid to speak about this issue that prior to seeing him, I wrote everything down.  I scribbled a 5-page letter, spelling out exactly what I wanted to say to the counselor.  I remember walking into his office, sitting down, pulling out my letter, and starting to read.

Basically what I was telling him was that I was gay and that I had never been able to admit it to anyone, not even to myself.  My dreams proved to me that deep down I was gay.  I read the letter to the end without stopping.  I was shaking.  To me it was like admitting defeat:  I had failed as a man.  I thought that I would never be a real man, that I was doomed, that I was a loser.  I was ready for execution.  I wanted him to pull out a gun and shoot me, right there on the spot, no questions asked.

I finished reading the letter and I sat there, staring at the floor.  I didn’t want to look into his eyes.  I felt relieved but at the same time totally extinguished.  I thought my life was over.  Finally I looked up at him and he was smiling and he said:  “Daemon, you’re not gay.  Dreams don’t mean anything.  You’ve never had sex with a man.  How can you possibly know whether or not you are gay?”

I was shocked!  His comment was so unexpected.  I could not believe my ears.  I was also a bit disappointed because it had taken me 5 years to gather up enough courage to finally admit to someone my most secret fantasies, proving that I was gay, and he tells me that I am not!?  I was so surprised, I could not speak.  I simply stood up, thanked him, shook his hand and walked out.

From that moment on, whenever I would feel attracted to a guy, I would replay his words in my head, visualize his smile, hear his gentle, caring voice say:  “Daemon, you’re not gay.”  I chose to believe him.  Yes it was a choice and it was also what I wanted to believe, so I accepted it.

My physical attraction to females was a given.  I was attracted to women by default.  No doubt about that.  So the years went by and I continued chasing women and dreaming about sucking dick and at age 25, I married a young lady my age.

To be continued…  (maybe).