Closed-Minded Family

So I decided to test my coming out with one member of my family, the one I am closest to.

I told this person that I was bisexual and that I had found someone online that I was interested in.  I said that I had made plans to meet that person face to face within the next week.

The reaction was worse than I expected.  She had a panic attack, didn’t sleep that night and called in sick the next day.  Finally I was able to reassure her a bit and this is what she said to me:

“You can do what you want with your life, but I don’t want to hear about it.  Anything that has to do with your bisexuality, I don’t want to hear about it because I will never understand it.  You can talk to me about anything you want, but not about that.  It makes me panic and it makes me sick.  I love you and I cannot stand it when you say you want to meet new people, possibly for sex.  Nothing could hurt me more.  I am here for you, and you can do what you want with your friends but don’t tell me about it.  I don’t want to know because it hurts too much.”

I was surprised to hear that this person does not want to know anything about my sexuality and my private life.  I actually thought she was interested in me, but it is clear that she is not interested in this part of me.  And maybe it’s a good thing.  I feel free now.  Free not to come out to my closed-minded family.

It also makes me question the maturity of Christian heterosexuals.  The fluidity of their own sexuality scares the hell out of them.  Just like it used to scare the hell out of me.

If they wish to act as if sexuality does not exist, fine.  I can do that.  So if they ask me what I’m up to, I shall say this:  “I’m meeting new people.  Nothing sexual can happen because sexuality does not exist.  It only exists between a man and woman who are married.  Anything outside of this is sickening, perverted pornography.  Keep your blindfolds, I don’t care, but I’m walking out because I had enough of this shit.”

They won’t know what the hell I’m talking about.  But I will smile.

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Coming Out

Today someone liked a blogpost I wrote over 10 months ago.  It’s the one entitled My Frigging Loved Ones.  So I reread it.  Something struck me.  This sentence:

“I noticed that I started to transform and I’m afraid that if ever I decide to come out, no one will recognize me.”

When I wrote “to come out” I was not referring to sexual orientation.  But now I’m looking at my recent posts, and it seems to me that this is what’s happening.

I’m a bit disappointed because this is not what I expected.  When I wrote it ten months ago, I was referring to coming out of my cocoon.  Hopefully with wings.  Like a butterfly.  I was thinking of death and resurrection, not a switch in physical attraction to people.

Is this what my metamorphosis was all about from the beginning?

– Relationships are what allows you to discover yourself.

So relationships are very important in the process of personal transformation.

– Indeed.

Interesting…  I never realized that there was such a close connection between sexual orientation and spiritual development.

I feel the need to come out.  At least on my blog.  This morning I read another blogger’s post and I feel called to do the same as her.  But at the same time, I don’t think it matters much.  I don’t think it will have an effect on anyone else.  Some readers might be turned off.  But I’m going to do it anyway.

Here it goes:

I am bisexual.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a male.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a female.  Sometimes I am attracted to both.  Sometimes I am attracted to none.  At this moment my attraction leans toward males.  I’m sure it has something to do with the disappointment I am currently experiencing regarding my last intimate relationship with a female.

To me, sexuality is about intimacy.  Getting close to someone physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  It’s not just about physical pleasure, but also about the joy of sharing on many levels.  We never know what a relationship can bring.  Sometimes it’s pleasant, sometimes it’s not.  But one thing is certain.  Relationships stimulate self-discovery and growth.  Therefore, who I choose to be intimate with matters much.

Identity Crisis

Yesterday I was thinking whether or not I should be gay.

– You cannot choose a sexual orientation.

Yes I can.  Assuming that I am equally interested in males and females, I can choose who I want to be intimate with.

I spent most of my life embracing the straight (heterosexual) lifestyle.  Now, after two failed marriages, I find myself at a turning point.  I’m questioning everything and trying to redefine myself.  Who will the new me be?

– Do you want to be gay?

Yesterday I wrote:  “I want a man.”  This sounds pretty gay to me.  It’s not that I don’t like women.  But I had two wives already.  I never had a husband.  I think I would like to try it.  But then, friends and lovers are not things you “try.”  They happen.

– So what are you saying?

I don’t know.  It sounds confusing doesn’t it…

– Why did you start this post in the first place?

Oh yeah!  Yesterday I was wondering if I should be gay, but today I’m asking myself:  Why should my identity be based on a sexual orientation?

– It gives you focus.

True.  But it also puts up barriers.  Besides, I’m not looking for sex, I’m just trying to define my identity.

– What do you mean by “define” my identity?

Synonyms for Define = delineate, delimit, specify, delimitate.

Hmm…  It means to put up certain limits or barriers.  But what if my identity is to have no limits!  Does it mean that I cannot define who I am?

– How did you define yourself in your About page?

I wrote:  “Daemon is a free spirit…”  You see?  This is my most basic, true, profound identity.  I am a free spirit.  I am not even human.  I could be an alien for all I know.

– But what about your incarnation as a human male, are you ignoring it?

In this blog I am, yes.

– Why?

Because I wanted to focus on the spiritual.  Do you have a problem with that?

– I don’t, but you do.

You’re right.  I do.  I’m having an identity crisis.  It’s because of my physical body.  I’m not just a spirit, I’m responsible for the life of a physical human man.  So is it wrong to define myself as a spirit?

– Maybe you need to define the experiences that the spirit wishes to have on earth.

So I could choose to “be gay” in order to delineate my upcoming experiences, is that what you’re saying?

– Yep.

Interesting…  Something to think about…  There are so many possibilities…  I’m not even sure which experiences I wish to have.  Sometimes I feel so fed up with this world, I just want to pack my bags and leave (die).

Am I Gay?

Here is a brief history of my sexual preferences from age 3 to 25.  It contains some explicit thoughts and some dirty words.

When I was a boy (from age 3 up to 12) I was physically attracted to ladies only.  But when puberty started, my attention turned to my penis and its erections.  I was intrigued by the pleasure I got when I did certain things with it.  I was 12 or 13 when I had my first ejaculation.

At that time, I became curious about boys my age and their penises.  I wondered if they pleasured themselves in secret just like I did.  My interest in the male form (physique) started to awaken also.  I began to notice the difference between cute guys from the not-so-cute ones.

At age 14, I started having wet dreams.  This was a surprise and an embarrassment — to wake up in a puddle of sticky sperm every now and then.  But the content of my dreams was what troubled me the most.  In these lucid dreams, I was almost always in the school yard and I would pull down a boy’s pants, suck his dick and then force him to suck mine.  These dreams disturbed me because I would find myself so excited when I woke up.  I thought I was turning into a homosexual and I was horrified!

In the meantime, in real life, I would date girls only.  Girls were attracted to me and it was easy to find a girlfriend.  I had many.  I would discreetly look at guys from the corner of my eyes, but would only allow myself to hug, fondle and French kiss girls.  I wanted my interest in guys to go away, but the more I repressed it, the more explicit my dreams became.

At age 19, I decided to do something about it.  I went to see a counselor.  I was so afraid to speak about this issue that prior to seeing him, I wrote everything down.  I scribbled a 5-page letter, spelling out exactly what I wanted to say to the counselor.  I remember walking into his office, sitting down, pulling out my letter, and starting to read.

Basically what I was telling him was that I was gay and that I had never been able to admit it to anyone, not even to myself.  My dreams proved to me that deep down I was gay.  I read the letter to the end without stopping.  I was shaking.  To me it was like admitting defeat:  I had failed as a man.  I thought that I would never be a real man, that I was doomed, that I was a loser.  I was ready for execution.  I wanted him to pull out a gun and shoot me, right there on the spot, no questions asked.

I finished reading the letter and I sat there, staring at the floor.  I didn’t want to look into his eyes.  I felt relieved but at the same time totally extinguished.  I thought my life was over.  Finally I looked up at him and he was smiling and he said:  “Daemon, you’re not gay.  Dreams don’t mean anything.  You’ve never had sex with a man.  How can you possibly know whether or not you are gay?”

I was shocked!  His comment was so unexpected.  I could not believe my ears.  I was also a bit disappointed because it had taken me 5 years to gather up enough courage to finally admit to someone my most secret fantasies, proving that I was gay, and he tells me that I am not!?  I was so surprised, I could not speak.  I simply stood up, thanked him, shook his hand and walked out.

From that moment on, whenever I would feel attracted to a guy, I would replay his words in my head, visualize his smile, hear his gentle, caring voice say:  “Daemon, you’re not gay.”  I chose to believe him.  Yes it was a choice and it was also what I wanted to believe, so I accepted it.

My physical attraction to females was a given.  I was attracted to women by default.  No doubt about that.  So the years went by and I continued chasing women and dreaming about sucking dick and at age 25, I married a young lady my age.

To be continued…  (maybe).

Timidity

It’s obvious that you have been trying to attract my attention

Okay so I have stopped doing all that I was doing

Now why are you not saying anything?

I give you 100% of my attention

And I am listening

. . .

More?

You want more?

How much more can I give you?

What?  You want to see more of me?

What would you like to see?

You must be joking!

I’m blushing

Stop it

It’s tempting

I’m not sure I can

Am I allowed to show you that?

I’m afraid that it might get me in trouble

But I am nevertheless glad to know that you are interested

No one has ever been that curious about this private part of me

I get a strange feeling when you look at me like that

Is it possible for anyone to like me this much?

Your intentions are definitively harmless

There is no doubt about that

The problem is me

I am shy

Afraid to reveal

An intimate part of me

Although I absolutely trust you

Then what’s holding me back?

I am a mystery to myself

Did you know that?

How can I reveal

A part of me

That I have not even

Discovered

Myself

?