Fuck, I’m crying. What’s wrong with me. I feel like such a baby. Like as if everything I’ve done so far means nothing. Like I’m 5 years old again. Lost.
I tried so hard to integrate. All my life. Was it in vain? What was I supposed to do? The pressure was strong. It wouldn’t go away. I was so alone. People are so stupid.
Now I’m old and depressed. I feel it’s too late. I don’t know how to be a father. I don’t know how to be an adult. I don’t even know how to be human. I’m just a child myself. I’m a kid with children and a wife. I don’t know what to do about the wife…
This is the only life I have, man. How can I teach my kids to integrate, I don’t even know how to do it myself.
I’m always here, at the same place. Years later, still here, still feeling the same. I’m so sick of it. So tired. I don’t know what to do.
How long do I have to keep running this show. Is anyone watching? Is anyone entertained or interested? Are the actors happy? Am I derailing here? Am I off the track? What track? Is there a track?
Time is ticking. What have I learned? Should I consult the I Ching? … I know, I have You. But You only tell me things I already know. All You do is rearrange my thoughts. Same old words…
“You’re being purified.”
Oh great. Then I’m fucking happy. Thank you.
*Crying my eyes out*
(Excerpt from my personal journal, October 2012)