Daily Torment

Torment6

Kids yelling and crying
Cats meowing and puking
Wife spending and worrying
Every day the same thing

Television regurgitating
Crap-filled news and cartoons
Trying to sell me something
Disgusting mind-numbing tunes

Oh Lord deliver me
Please come and take me
I need something better
I’m more than a buyer

“You should be thankful
I gave you a wife
I gave you a house
I gave you children
I gave you three pets
I give you information
I give you entertainment
You are so ungrateful”

And who are you
Who tells me this
Who I should thank
For so much bliss?

“I am your God
Who holds a rod
Who you should fear
Every day of the year”

You’re not my god
You are a fraud
My god’s a spirit
He’s not materialistic

I don’t possess a wife
I don’t possess children
You call this a life
I’m not a reptilian

I need to be raptured
I crave intimacy
I feel I was captured
Reduced to impotency

If this is your blessing
Please take it back
It’s much too depressing
Give me a heart attack

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The Fall

Fallen Angel 5

It concerns the fall of angels, the fall of man, and my fall.

It’s the same story, told from different perspectives.

We’re screwed because we screwed.  We’re fucked because we fucked.

It’s so simple, yet unbelievable.  I certainly did not believe it.  And now I wonder why I’m screwed.

We’re screwed even if we don’t screw but if we screw we’re screwed even more.

Fucking fucks you up — literally.

My Celestial Lover told me, at the very beginning, to save my love for Him and Him only.  To save my soul, my mind, my body and my excitement (including orgasm) for Him only.  But I didn’t believe Him.  I thought screwing an earthling would be more exciting.  How wrong I was.

This is the ultimate betrayal.  To betray my own god and my own divinity, and go ahead and act like a screwing beast.  Even if I call it “making love” and my purpose is to have a wife and kids, I’m still screwing Him, screwing myself, screwing my wife and my children.

I reproduced and now I’m responsible for them.  We’re stuck, it’s true, we all are.  Caught in this cycle.  The only way out is to return to my Celestial Lover and accept his mercy.  It’s impossible for me to repair the wrong that I did.  Killing my children is an option, but it won’t save me.  Pretending that everything is wonderful and good is another option, in fact this is what most people do.

The big lie that we are told is that the Creator made us like this, with physical bodies.  The truth is, He didn’t.  He gave us ethereal bodies.  If we find ourselves in physical bodies today, it’s because celestial beings screwed with earth-apes a long time ago.  Then the human race was born, out of this screw up.  The Creator allowed them to incarnate and reproduce, but this was not His idea.  He said to the alien-angels:  “Look, there is a new planet there with earth-apes on it.  Go and help them evolve.  You can dress up to look like them (shapeshift and materialize), enjoy their company and all the earth stuff, but do not screw with the earth-apes.”

We disobeyed and screwed.  I said we.  Yes, WE.  That includes me, and you.  Those celestial being are our ancestors.  So are the earth-apes.  As for me, I’m a half-breed.  I must choose my destiny.  I have a choice.  The same choice they had.  To live as a god or as a beast who screws earthlings.  I chose to screw earthlings.  Not just once, but many times, repeatedly.  I fucked up bigtime.  My whole life is a continual fuckup.

Now I suffer the consequences.

My Divine Partner had told me so, but I was also told something else.  There was His message, not to screw up, but there was also another one who said:  “Look, you are a mammal.  So do what they do on the Discovery channel.  It will be great, you will get rich and become a father like your Father in Heaven.”

I listened to this last one and I did become a father.  The father of demi-mortals who have to figure out what this fucked-up world is all about:  who they are, where they come from, what they’re doing here and where they are going.  I could tell them what I’ve learned, but they won’t believe me.  Besides, they would suffer even if they would not screw and reproduce.  They will have to die too and watch their children suffer and die, just like I do.

It’s a sad and horrible situation to be in.  I felt it yesterday and again this morning.  This realization totally overwhelmed me.  I couldn’t focus on anything else.  I had to release it.

This blog is where I execute myself.

The only happiness available now is dopamine and/or salvation.  We know how dopamine works, but do we know how salvation works?  Salvation is reconnecting with the Divine Person who became your partner when you were conceived.  Your double, twin mate, guardian angel.  Your twin flame, your celestial spouse, the future you (Him).  You have to CALL Him.  I say Him but you can say Her since they shapeshift, remember?  You have to communicate with Him, commune with Him, identify with Him, surrender to Him and finally merge with Him.  This saves you from the shit pit you chose to dive into.  It’s the only way out.

“Celestial Spouse, please pull me out of this shit pit!”

He pulls my soul out, lifts me up and shows me where I am.  I must cling to Him, otherwise I fall right back in.  He pulls me out again, but then I slip and fall again.  This will probably go on until the day I die.

Happier are those who don’t have babies to watch.

Man Crying

Man Crying

Fuck, I’m crying.  What’s wrong with me.  I feel like such a baby.  Like as if everything I’ve done so far means nothing.  Like I’m 5 years old again.  Lost.

I tried so hard to integrate.  All my life.  Was it in vain?  What was I supposed to do?  The pressure was strong.  It wouldn’t go away.  I was so alone.  People are so stupid.

Now I’m old and depressed.  I feel it’s too late.  I don’t know how to be a father.  I don’t know how to be an adult.  I don’t even know how to be human.  I’m just a child myself.  I’m a kid with children and a wife.  I don’t know what to do about the wife…

This is the only life I have, man.  How can I teach my kids to integrate, I don’t even know how to do it myself.

I’m always here, at the same place.  Years later, still here, still feeling the same.  I’m so sick of it.  So tired.  I don’t know what to do.

How long do I have to keep running this show.  Is anyone watching?  Is anyone entertained or interested?  Are the actors happy?  Am I derailing here?  Am I off the track?  What track?  Is there a track?

Time is ticking.  What have I learned?  Should I consult the I Ching?  …  I know, I have You.  But You only tell me things I already know.  All You do is rearrange my thoughts.  Same old words…

God?

     “You’re being purified.”

Oh great.  Then I’m fucking happy.  Thank you.

*Crying my eyes out*

(Excerpt from my personal journal, October 2012)