Something unexpected has happened to me.
I’m not proud of it. I never asked for it.
So I’m going to write about it.
I avoid talking to people more and more. It started about a year ago and it has developed into some kind of obsession. I don’t want to talk to anyone!
I don’t mind writing, but being face to face with someone makes me uncomfortable.
And I think I know exactly why.
People are not transparent. I know it sounds crazy, but I have been pondering on this for quite some time, and I think this is it. People are not transparent and I can’t see through them and there is no way I can ever see through them.
I cannot rely on appearances. I cannot rely on what they say either. I can’t rely on what I think of them or on what other people have said. I can’t even rely on my own judgment.
So when I am talking to someone, I feel like I’m opening myself up to a mysterious living creature that has the power to lie, cheat and fake it, and that there is no way for me to ever know or to protect myself.
I feel this with the members of my own family!
I know exactly why. I have been so naïve all my life, I used to trust and believe everyone, and one day I realized that my most precious loved-ones had been lying, cheating, manipulating and taking advantage of me for years, without being aware of it.
This has caused me to almost completely shut down. This is the major cause of my depression.
I don’t trust people, especially loved-ones. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone again, not until they become completely transparent. I have to be able to see through them, to see what’s really going on behind the facades. This will never happen, not on this earth anyway.
So my family life is doomed and so is my social life. Fortunately I can still write to people, and that I do.