Whatever

I don’t know what to write.  But I want to write because I’m bored.  I’m almost always bored, except when I write.  It’s a sure way out of boredom.  It works every time.  As long as I write.  Doesn’t really matter WHAT I write.  Nonsense is good enough.  It’s just sad for whoever is reading.  Expecting some well thought out blogpost.  This is not one of them.  It’s completely spontaneous.  Going nowhere.  I’m full of everything and nothing.  Don’t know what’s going to come out next.  Change paragraph.

This is a new paragraph.  My mother-in-law is coming.  My sister-in-law too, with her new baby.  I’m drinking wine.  Well not really, my glass is empty.  Refill, please!  I never ask my wife to serve me.  Never.  Never.  I never ask for anything for that matter, from anyone.  When I want something, I get it myself.  I have this saying:  “If you want to be well-served, then serve yourself.  There is no better service.”

We went to a wedding yesterday.  Afterwards, when we got home, my wife said that I was not antisocial.  I keep saying how antisocial I am, but when I find myself in a group, I am social.  Then why do I think that I am not social?  She said I was more sociable than she was yesterday.  It’s true, I was.  I have to figure out this mystery.

I guess it’s because I don’t get a kick out of it.  Social people get energized, excited and happy when they socialize.  I don’t.  It leaves me kind of blank.  It does nothing for me.  I can make people laugh or not laugh and it’s just the same to me.  My self-worth is not based on how other people perceive me.

So what is my self-worth based on?

A belief.

Wedding Alert!

Wedding

Where to run, where to hide?
I’ve been invited to a wedding!
A violent assault on the antisocial guy.

My wife knows I don’t like social gatherings, especially weddings, but her best friend is getting married this afternoon.  She said to me with the sad puppy eyes:  “I can’t go there alone, will you come with me?”  I said yes.  That was two months ago.

Now the day I have been dreading has arrived.  There is no turning back.  I have to go.

At least it’s not family.  I know the bride but that’s it.  Never met her fiancé.  None of the guests know me.  I feel better among strangers than I do among family.  No one will talk to me.  Smiles and friendly handshakes, I can do that.  My acting skills are rusted, but when the situation calls for it, I can summon them back to life.  I think… we’ll see.  Hope it doesn’t suck the life out of me.

Sit in church.  *yawn*
Watch the show.  (Hope she trips)
Stand, sit, stand, sit, kneel.  (WTF?)
Clap when they kiss.  (She’s not a virgin)
Congratulate them.  (In two years you’ll be separated)

Then eat, drink and dance.  That’s how people celebrate.  What are they celebrating exactly?  Who cares.   We have food, alcohol and music.  Let’s do what they do.  Stuff your face, get drunk and move your body.  Pretend to be happy.  Woopy!

People

people

Something unexpected has happened to me.
I’m not proud of it.  I never asked for it.
So I’m going to write about it.

I avoid talking to people more and more.  It started about a year ago and it has developed into some kind of obsession.  I don’t want to talk to anyone!

I don’t mind writing, but being face to face with someone makes me uncomfortable.

And I think I know exactly why.

People are not transparent.  I know it sounds crazy, but I have been pondering on this for quite some time, and I think this is it.  People are not transparent and I can’t see through them and there is no way I can ever see through them.

I cannot rely on appearances.  I cannot rely on what they say either.  I can’t rely on what I think of them or on what other people have said.  I can’t even rely on my own judgment.

So when I am talking to someone, I feel like I’m opening myself up to a mysterious living creature that has the power to lie, cheat and fake it, and that there is no way for me to ever know or to protect myself.

I feel this with the members of my own family!

I know exactly why.  I have been so naïve all my life, I used to trust and believe everyone, and one day I realized that my most precious loved-ones had been lying, cheating, manipulating and taking advantage of me for years, without being aware of it.

This has caused me to almost completely shut down.  This is the major cause of my depression.

I don’t trust people, especially loved-ones.  I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone again, not until they become completely transparent.  I have to be able to see through them, to see what’s really going on behind the facades. This will never happen, not on this earth anyway.

So my family life is doomed and so is my social life.  Fortunately I can still write to people, and that I do.