Deception

Deception

I remember the events that triggered my depression.  One day I realized that my wife was lying to me, my employer was lying to me, my brother was lying to me, God was lying to me, and finally I was lying to myself by thinking that my loved ones would never lie to me.  That day, I became extremely depressed and I have been trying to pull myself out of this pit of bullshit ever since.

I figured out why people lie.  There is a reason for it.  People usually don’t lie just for the fun of it, since there is a risk involved.  They lie because they feel that they don’t have much choice.  They lie because they are scared and because they are trying to survive.  They are afraid to lose something, so they lie to gain something.  It usually works in the short term, but not in the long term.

But that’s not my problem.  My problem is how to deal with it.  I can choose to be honest, but that won’t change the people around me who choose to continue to lie.  I had to come up with a solution.  Trust became an issue.  I realized I was surrounded and involved with people who lie and others who might or might not be lying, and that there was no way for me to be absolutely sure if they were.  This made me very uncomfortable and depressed.

How can I deal properly if I don’t even know if I’m dealing with truth or with lies?  All the deep connections I had with people were put on hold, until I found a solution.  Of course, trust is not really necessary with the superficial connections I have with people, but it is necessary to some degree with deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Have I found a solution?  I’m not sure.  Something weird did arise from the depression of not being able to profoundly trust anyone.  I would call it detachment.  This is what this blog is all about.  The process of detaching from this world and connecting with something better that might seem, from the outside, to be imaginary.

This detachment solution was given to me.  I didn’t have to fabricate it.  It opened up, and I received it, not knowing where it would lead me.  It got me quite far, much farther than I could have ever imagined, almost to a point of no return.  I’m looking back now and I’m asking:  “Could I ever go back to the way I used to deal with life?”  I don’t think I could.  How could I reattach to all the people and the things I detached myself from?

I realized that the only way I could truly trust people and their world would be if all of it was transparent.  As long as the world is not transparent, it will always remain possible for things to be hidden.  And hiding something is the root of deception, the foundation of every lie.

I aspire to more than this bullshitting planet, and if this means I have to daily escape in some fantastic dimension, then so be it.  If you have discovered a better solution, please let me know.

I Trust Me

Trust12

I seek I
I sees me

I talk to I
I listens to me

I ask I
I answers me

I cry to I
I consoles me

I thank I
I welcomes me

I trust I
I unveils me

I close my eye
I exposes me

I desire I
I touches me

I allow I
I caresses me

I let I
I hugs me

I embrace I
I squeezes me

I sense I
I stimulates me

I invite I
I enters me

I permit I
I moves me

I incite I
I fills me

I open my eye
I hypnotises me

I fall in I
I becomes me

I die to I
I kills me

I lose I
I takes me

I am I
I am me

I trust I
I trust me

My Frigging Loved Ones

monsters

I have trust issues.

The worst part of it is that the group of people I trust the least is the one I call my “loved ones”.

I don’t trust my loved ones because the individuals who have hurt me the most during my life were all members of that group.

Very seldom have I been hurt by total strangers.

Some people have suicidal ideation, but my ideation is the thought of being abducted by aliens.  Which says a lot about the kind of people I trust:  those who come from the farthest places.

There is a reason why I blog.  Opening myself up to total strangers feels safe.  Sitting behind a computer screen feels even safer.  No one can touch me.

I’m sick and tired of being hurt.  I’ve had enough.  After a while there was no other choice but to withdraw.

Forgiveness doesn’t work.  It’s easy to forgive those who have hurt me but are now gone, like dead relatives of ex-girlfriends.  But when you live with the people who have hurt you the most, and these people continue to hurt you, then how can you forgive them?  There has to be regret, otherwise the forgiveness is useless.

I could run away from them, like when I left my first wife after our marriage had failed.  But I’m tired of running away.  People are the same everywhere.  I figured I had to find a way to live with them.

I decided to withdraw, for the moment, within my cocoon and do some serious introspection (again).

I noticed that I started to transform and I’m afraid that if ever I decide to come out, no one will recognize me.  What will I have become?  Or maybe I’m just going to die in here and reappear somewhere else, like in a totally different realm (this is what I wish for the most actually).

I thought of psychotherapy, but the problem is:  I don’t even WANT to trust them.  Why would I want to risk getting hurt again by the same people?  It would devastate me.  It’s not worth it.  I don’t need them to be unhappy.  I can be totally unhappy without them.

One day I will break free.  I don’t know when it’s going to happen but it will have to happen eventually.  I can’t stay locked up inside myself forever.

People

people

Something unexpected has happened to me.
I’m not proud of it.  I never asked for it.
So I’m going to write about it.

I avoid talking to people more and more.  It started about a year ago and it has developed into some kind of obsession.  I don’t want to talk to anyone!

I don’t mind writing, but being face to face with someone makes me uncomfortable.

And I think I know exactly why.

People are not transparent.  I know it sounds crazy, but I have been pondering on this for quite some time, and I think this is it.  People are not transparent and I can’t see through them and there is no way I can ever see through them.

I cannot rely on appearances.  I cannot rely on what they say either.  I can’t rely on what I think of them or on what other people have said.  I can’t even rely on my own judgment.

So when I am talking to someone, I feel like I’m opening myself up to a mysterious living creature that has the power to lie, cheat and fake it, and that there is no way for me to ever know or to protect myself.

I feel this with the members of my own family!

I know exactly why.  I have been so naïve all my life, I used to trust and believe everyone, and one day I realized that my most precious loved-ones had been lying, cheating, manipulating and taking advantage of me for years, without being aware of it.

This has caused me to almost completely shut down.  This is the major cause of my depression.

I don’t trust people, especially loved-ones.  I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone again, not until they become completely transparent.  I have to be able to see through them, to see what’s really going on behind the facades. This will never happen, not on this earth anyway.

So my family life is doomed and so is my social life.  Fortunately I can still write to people, and that I do.

I Found the Cure!

Imagine if the cure for your mental illness was found.  Not just a relief, but a cure.  A permanent cure, 100% effective and guaranteed.

Imagine if the cure was presented to you, and even given to you freely!  Would you take it?

Now stay with me, this is important.

Before taking it, you would probably ask yourself if you can trust the person who is offering you the cure.  Next, you would surely wonder if the cure itself can be trusted.

Let’s stop right here.
You haven’t taken the cure yet.
What’s stopping you from taking it immediately?

Trust.  That’s right.  The thing that is preventing you from taking the cure is not the person offering it, nor the cure itself, but it’s a question of trust.

Lack of trust is what is keeping you from taking the cure at this point.

So no matter how trustworthy the giver is, as long as you don’t believe what that person is saying, you will probably never accept his cure.

The cure for your mental illness exists.  I won’t tell you what it is because you would not believe me anyway.  In fact, you heard it already.  Nothing is stopping you from accepting the cure except your own beliefs.

The only way around this is to change your beliefs.  And only you can do that.