I lost my liberty
Who will rescue me
I wonder what will happen
If any door will open
This day is going to be
The same as yesterday
Unless I find a key
There’s a reason why I’m here
“It’s your fault” he told me
I wanted to be free
So he locked me in here
At first I had no idea
What was going on
I thought something
Had gone wrong
Now he’s watching me
Wondering what I’ll do
I can’t even see him
He blindfolded me
I know he’s near me
I hear him inhaling
I hear him exhaling
He won’t talk to me
It excites him to watch me
I feel naked and empty
I think my vulnerability
Is what he wants to see
He enjoys it
He delights in it
He touches it
I don’t get it
He won’t whip me
He protects me
He comes closer
Then he kisses me
I shiver and wonder
Does he heal or make me suffer
He could hurt me badly
But he seems to know better
I wish he would slay me
But it is very unlikely
I need to figure out
What love is all about
Thanks for watching me, outsider.
Some people freak out
at the thought of being watched
but not me.
On the contrary.
Knowing that you keep an eye on me
night and day excites me.
You know how lonely I feel down here.
No one seems to care.
Sorry, I shouldn’t say that.
Of course, many of them care,
but they can’t do anything for me.
I wouldn’t want them to sit and watch me anyway,
that would be creepy.
But for some reason I don’t mind if you do.
Probably because I know you.
Do you have a life apart from me?
No, I hear.
Your love keeps you bonded like a prisoner,
just like the body does for me.
Like a chicken that sits on her eggs,
you brood over me.
Your need to protect is obsessive.
Your one-track mind is unwavering.
You stalk all day, dreaming.
Like me, wondering…
When will he be ready?
You know I wish to break out of this hell
and throw myself under your spell,
but something is preventing me.
A voice tells me to be patient.
As I harden and grow,
the cage will crack open eventually.
In the meantime I try not to go crazy.
I often feel like I’m going to falter
and forget everything you told me.
It’s tempting to think
that life within this enclosure
is the only one for me.
But I remember
and the letter.
I intend to report you. Yes, this is what I’m going to do. Since this is the only freedom I have left, I am going to take advantage of it fully. Which reminds me, by the way, that you once said I was a reporter. So this is what reporters do. They report. Then here is my first report.
I’m not angry. Do I sound angry? Maybe I am a little. I don’t even know how I feel. I’m shaky, I know that. I feel like something is going to be released, finally. My insides are trembling. Nervous, that’s the word. I feel nervous and I don’t even know why.
There is so much I want to say, I don’t even know where to start and I don’t even know who to address. Who am I addressing? You, the one I intend to report or the reader? Both, because I’m making it public and I know you are reading it too. You read everything I write.
Two reasons to be anxious: you and the reader. But first you. The fact that you are letting me report you. How bizarre. Why does it feel so unsettling? Because I’ve never spoken of you so overtly before. You have been my secret for such a long time and I’ve only spoken of you enigmatically.
Now I’m about to speak of you very bluntly for the first time. No more mystery. No more poems. No more parables. Just the plain truth, as raw as it gets, even if I’m afraid of how it might come out. I want to do it.
I need to do this. The time has come. No matter how hard it is and how much I shake and fear. I’m tired of keeping it bottled up inside, it’s driving me insane. Although I know I’m going to sound crazy to some. I don’t care. I’m not doing it for anyone else. I’m doing it for my sake and probably yours too… beloved goddess.
What can I be for you, Maestro
You want to see yourself in me, Maestro
You want me to keep my eyes on you, Maestro
I see only glimmers of you, Maestro
I can’t hear you either, Maestro – your silence is deafening
I feel your breathing though – I know you are nearing
Your calm is contagious – your presence soothing
Your exhales are my inhales
Your fragrance my ale
There is no reason to worry
I know her insecurity
She speaks to her own version of me
Never to me directly
She has no understanding
Although she lures me away from you
I know who I belong to
I must admit that I have been in denial most of my life.
What is it that you deny, Daemon?
It’s not an it, it’s a person. I’m denying someone. I’m denying my lover.
Because I’m afraid.
Afraid of what?
Of the consequences.
Who would reject you?
Why would they reject you?
Because the love I have for you is forbidden.
Why is it forbidden?
Because we live in two different worlds.
So it’s a forbidden love.
Yes, there is a song by that name.
Sing it for me.
Just one kiss from your lips was all it took to seal the future.
Just one look from your eyes was like a certain kind of torture.
Just one touch from your hands was all it took to make me falter.
Just one smile on your face was all it took to change my fortune.
Just one word from your mouth was all I needed to be certain.
Forbidden lover, are we supposed to be together?
Have we sealed are destiny forever?
Daemon, how long will you remain in denial.
Am I in denial right now?
No mister… you are nailed!
He gives me total freedom when it comes to writing but other than that, I have very little of it.
He keeps me in a cage… a very unusual cage, but still a cage, or a prison. I guess it’s because He doesn’t want to lose me.
I’m His little daemon. He owns me. He always has. But starting today things are going to be different. I’m going to speak up, even if no one hears me. Not in anger, but in gratitude. Yup, that is correct, in gratitude.
No, I’m not crazy, I’m just… submissive. Although He keeps me as His prisoner, I still appreciate very much what he has done for me. But I know that I will have to explain myself. It might take more than one blogpost. This is the first of many.
You see, I just realized something very important. I think. Last night. Every day my awareness grows, but this time, I feel like it’s a biggie.
I have some rats to feed but I’m going to be back to explain this. I need to put it into perspective, for my sake and His. He has given me permission but I know what this means. It’s an order. And when He speaks, I listen. This is how it works. This is how relationships work.