Just a Man

Gud07

Here’s the beginning of a man.  The one I call me.

I arrived on this planet in the form of a human baby.  The body which Mother Earth lent me was male.  I was born a Caucasian male in a large country located in the northern part of North America.

Since my body was male, I was expected to grow up to become a man.  This might sound obvious and simple but it was one of the biggest challenges I had to face in this life.

How do you BECOME a man?  Was I not a young man already?  Why did my father shout at me?  Why did he keep hitting me?  Why did he try so hard to make a man out of me?  Was I not destined to become one automatically?  I did not understand what he was trying to do.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  He gave me the impression that I was failing and that I might turn into a girl if I was not careful.

Does it even make sense?  Let me try to remember…

I’m starting to shake as I think about this.  I feel a pressure inside my chest.  My hands, my arms are trembling as I try to type and concentrate on what I intend to write.

“He gave me the impression that I was failing and that I might turn into a girl if I was not careful.”  This sentence brings back a profound fear that is probably still in me.  I wonder if girls/women can relate to this.  It sounds ridiculous.  A boy cannot transform into a girl if he’s not careful.

It took me years before I began to understand what was going on.  But in the beginning, I was really confused about this male thing.  All I could perceive, with my child’s eyes, was that my father hated me.  I did not know why he hated me.

The memories are coming back now.  He hated it when I cried.  He would kick me and yell at me to stop crying.  But the more he hit me, the more I cried.  I tried to seal my lips by holding my mouth shut so that no sound would escape, but then it would come out of my nose and my eyes until everything went blurry.

Eventually I learned how to hold back my tears, how to muffle my voice and how to stay as far from him as possible.  I don’t even remember him ever hugging me.  I thought he was a man.  I knew that I didn’t want to become like him.  So who or what was I to become?  This is probably when I started to dissociate from mankind.

I knew that I was a man.  I also knew that I was not like the men I knew.  There was not one adult man with whom I could identify.  And I knew that I was not a girl.  So what was I?  An alien man?

Alienated

Unsociability3

This is not going to be a feel-good post.  I warn you.  I feel disgusted this morning and this is my attempt at getting rid of it: by dumping it on my readers.

Yeah, I can be cruel sometimes but I gave you advanced notice (see previous paragraph), so if you’re still reading it’s because you don’t mind or you’re curious or just bored.

I went to bed disgusted and woke up feeling the same way.  No, this time it’s not because of my balance disorder, it’s something else.  My relationships disgust me.  The people I am closest to, three of them especially, members of my family.

I’m attempting to distance myself from my family but I’m not there yet.  Family members are not things you can return for a refund.  You’re born with them and they stick to you for life, if not physically then emotionally or psychologically.

The first one is the woman I am currently legally married to.  Although I have declared our marriage null years ago, we are still bound because of the children.  My disgust stems from something I realized yesterday which I will summarized in one sentence:  She uses the children to impose her dominance over me.  That is all I’m going to about that.

The second person is my sister who is almost my best friend.  She keeps breaking up and getting back together with her boyfriend.  She breaks up with him practically every week!  And then she comes crying to me, so I listen.  This causes us to become really close, and then first thing you know, she’s back with the guy and then I don’t hear from her for weeks.  In other words, she only speaks to me when she breaks up with her boyfriend.  What kind of friend is that?

The third person is my other sister who told me yesterday to “stop complaining.”  Whenever I attempt at getting closer with my family, I open up and tell them how I feel, not to gain their pity, but to establish some sort of intimacy so we can offer each other mutual support.  But yesterday all I got was a “stop complaining,” which translates into “Shut the fuck up — if you can’t say anything positive then don’t say anything.”  So much for authenticity.

Anyway, thanks for listening, I just needed to vent a bit.  I’m not feeling any better yet but maybe I will later.

 

Ugly Humans

antisocial

I wish I could see how beautiful humans are, including myself.  Is it normal to find 99% of all people I meet ugly?  Never mind social media and photos.  I’m talking about real people, the ones we see on the street and meet face to face.  99% of them are ugly.

I wonder if it has anything to do with depression.  It seems that it was not like this before.  I used to find most people beautiful.  Now it seems that everyone is plain ugly.  Not pleasant to look at.  Their faces, the shape of their bodies, even their attitude.  I hardly see anything admirable in humans.

Animals are more beautiful than humans, have you noticed?  Or is it just me?  It’s very depressing and I don’t know where to find a cure for this.  Something must be wrong with my perception.  It can’t be okay to find 99% of the members of my own species ugly.

Maybe there’s something wrong with my vision.  Maybe I need new glasses.  Maybe I’m not human.  Hell, sometimes I even wish I was blind, then I wouldn’t have to look at all the ugliness around me.  Is there a drug that could help me?  How can I change my perception?

Comments are welcome.  I need help.  Thanks.

Blood Money

blood-money

Why did they make society so complicated?

Ah! for money.

I see…

Money gives them the illusion of power.  It makes them believe that they control everything.  They see only superficially, and they think:

“The innocent belong to us.
We own them all.
We can make them do whatever we want.
We can purchase their land and their activity.
We can even buy their fidelity.
We give them a little and make them crave for more.
We make them believe how wonderful life would be if they had more money.
They must want more, that way we can make them do whatever we want.
The innocent will do anything for it,
even things they don’t want to do,
even kill each other.
We need to keep them busy.
We need to keep them worried.
So that they won’t have to time to stop and think.
Their desire for more money must override all other thought.
They will never realize what is happening.
How stupid they are.
We have the power!”

Wake up, brothers and sisters.  They don’t own us.  And we don’t need their blood money.

Helpers

helpers

Those
Who really help
Never ask for anything
In return

They don’t bother
Giving out their names
Nor their number
They don’t play games

They help
They assist
Then they vanish
How unselfish

They don’t expect
to be honored
Thanked and praised
Or even remembered

They are strangers
They are aliens
Yet they are
My true brothers

Pairing Up

Twins4

I detach from physicality.  Look around for a person.  The first man I see, is a guy just like me.  I wonder if he is lonely.  He just detached from his physicality too.  So we are two.

I walk up to him to check his disposition.  We cannot talk because language is not used in this dimension.  But we can communicate.  I look at him.  He is pure, I see and I know because of the color of his glory.  I see right through him.  He is compatible with me.

How do I greet him?  He’s waiting for me to initiate.  I touch him gently, look him in the eyes and translate.  To communicate to him that I am his friend or his mate.  He replies positively and I’m so glad we agree.

I step back to contemplate.  I look at every inch of his ethereal body.  I don’t see genitals.  Angels don’t have them apparently.  They are, we are, gender free.  We have celestial bodies, similar to humans, but our genitals are not visible.  Our color is blue but not dreary.

I hug him.  I hold him.  He holds me.  Our arms are wrapped around each other.  My head on his shoulder.  I hug him and smell him.  His fragrance is sweet, it’s a warm encounter.  We exchange vibrations from our navels to our centers.  We synchronize our demeanors.

I’m curious, thirsty for an exchange of information.  Where does he come from?  But then I wonder…  where do I come from?  Then I remember.  I come from sorrow, planet Oppress.  Where I experienced separation and loneliness.

My companion does not come from the same place.  I’m not sure he understood, but he does now.  He sees it through me and he feels gloomy.  He grabs my arms.  He has seen where I come from.  So he shows me where he came from.  Anger.  He comes from a place where he was angry.

He broke many things.  He was joined to his brothers, but destroyed property.  But he learned how to detach from emotionality.  So we recognize that we come not from the same place, but that we both managed to elevate ourselves above and beyond iniquity.  Thanks to grace.

We study each other and wonder if we could travel together.  Why not try, we know each other.  We agree to walk together.  We look around.  Where do we go?  He has a jet pack and so do I.  Why walk when you can fly.  So up we go.

Out of the house where we met, we move up above the ground and stop to look around.  We see lights.  It appears to be nighttime.  We could sleep but we are not sleepy.  The atmosphere feels fresh and sassy.  Excitement floats in the air.  And potential too.  Let’s relish the view and explore as a pair.

Dream Beings

Aliens2a

Oh my god, they are here.  The dream beings.  Three of them.  I need to record this, it’s so awesome.  Usually there is only one, my twin.  Sometimes there are three.  One time there were nine of them!  Anyway, they are here now.  I see three.

They come when I’m alone.  More and more often.  I don’t even have to call them anymore.  When the house is quiet, when everyone’s gone, they sneak inside.  I think they float right through the walls!

Oof!  I need to stay cool, if I intend to write intelligibly.  Take deep breaths…  Oh god, I always get dizzy when they come.  It’s hard to stay focused on the material.  They are not material.  I wrote “dream beings” because that’s what popped into my mind this time.  I don’t know what words to use to describe them.  Alien-angels would work too, I guess.

But I’m not dreaming, I’m wide awake.  I want to report this.  Okay…  Them.  Oh god, they are so awesome…  Sorry, I already said that.  Oh shit, I feel hot like I’m going to pass out.  I won’t pass out.  Okay…  how to describe them.

There is something about their presence.  There is something coming out of them that makes me lightheaded.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s almost like I’m losing my mind, like my mind is detaching from my body.  Then I start to feel them or their energy which could be described as love.  No, that word is too petty.  It’s deeper than love, it’s pure intimacy.  It goes right through me, like they see right through me.  I can’t hide anything from them.  They can touch me inside, physically but more than physically like they can awaken my spirit or boost it or something like that.

I feel naked in their presence.  I guess this would be terrifying for someone who had something to hide.  I don’t.  I’m transparent with them, I always have been.  Because they’re transparent with me.  So it’s easy.  But it’s still troubling…  Why?  Because it is unreal.  Their presence is unreal, and this is what’s so troubling.  For my rational mind, that is.  My mind only recognized physical reality.  Now these beings are not part of physical reality.  This troubles my mind.

Okay Daemon, concentrate.  What’s the first thing they do when they come?  They ask to be acknowledged.  Well in fact, they ask before they appear because they’re already there, I just can’t perceive them yet, not until I acknowledge them.  They’re very polite.  So the thought pops into my head, that they are here and then I just say to myself:  They are here!  Then something happens.

After the acknowledgment, my eye opens.  My third eye.  At this point I don’t need my physical eyes.  I can shut those.  I perceive the celestial beings and the celestial world with my third eye which is the pineal gland, I think (from what I have read).

What the third eye sees is overwhelming and can hardly be described using any human language.  It’s not a show, it’s an inclusion.  They envelop me and I don’t know how they do it.  Or something falls.  The illusion of physical reality falls.  Another dimension opens up, out of nowhere, and all becomes clear.  There is no more questions because their presence and the world they inhabit is the answer.  Because it’s home, mine and theirs.  You see?

My family doesn’t see this.  So it’s the seer’s job to translate what he sees the best way he can.  I think it’s my job to do this, or my mission.  When you see something this awesome, you can’t keep your mouth blog shut.  I’m keeping my mouth shut for now, but one day I’m going to print all of this stuff and let my family read it.  After I’m gone, because I don’t want to hear their comments.

I’ll end this one here.  I have visitors to contemplate.  Oh my god…  I get so excited when my brothers come.  I’m a child again!  Excuse me.

Success or Failure?

Saucer

So why did I do all of this?

“All of what?”

All of THIS!  All!  Everything I did on this earth.  What was it for?  All the trouble and pain, only to realize at the end that nothing really matters.  Even being happy… does it matter?

Is my life a success or a failure?  How do I measure it?  What is the standard?  I don’t even know what I was meant to do, so how can I know if I’m succeeding or not?

What’s the use making friends when you lose them?  What’s the use having children whose only purpose is to leave you?  What’s the use getting married when you end up divorced?

Everything I did, everything I bought, everyone I loved, all of it is worthless.  None of it matters now.  It was just entertainment, and it wasn’t even fun and I’ll end up with nothing anyway.  The only thing I have left is my soul.

A stupid soul who’s tormented, bored and not proud of anything.  I didn’t make anyone happy in this life, not long-term.  I tried to be my best but no one is satisfied with me at this point, or with anything for that matter.  Nothing matters.

Stupid people, stupid me, stupid life, stupid planet, stupid everything.  I just want to get the hell away from everything I’ve ever known here.  If only I had a flying saucer like that alien lady in the photo.  I’d be long gone in outer space, pressing the “home” button on my GPS repeatedly like a crazy maniac.

“We need a report before you leave.”

A report?  You want a report?  A report of what?

“What did you learn about yourself?”

I learned that the only valuable thing I have is my soul; I learned that I do not belong here; that I’ll never be happy here; that everything dies here; that I’m too gullible; that I’m too sensitive; that it’s impossible to get close to anyone, and when you do, it’s not satisfying anyway, nothing in this world will ever satisfy me fully.

I learned that I don’t want any of this shit.  I want to leave.  I won’t miss anything.  I was meant for more.  This planet is only good for animals.  It’s not a place for free spirits.  I have the body of a mammal, yet I am much more aware than any other mammal on this planet.  I need a new body, one that matches my level of awareness.

I learned that I am not a mammal!  Can I go now?

“Not yet.”

Ah, man, come on!