Derealization

Derealization

God, I feel so unsure.  It’s like I can’t take control of my life.  Maybe I don’t trust myself.  That’s it, I don’t trust myself!  I don’t trust my feelings.  I don’t trust my desires and my urges.  I feel that they were put there to mislead me.

My own feelings want to mislead me.  That’s horrible!  How about my mind?  I don’t even know what to think.  I want to drink.  Get drunk.  Pass out.  And die, yeah!

This afternoon I took a nap.  I fell asleep.  I dreamed that I was walking inside a warehouse.  Then I must have stepped on something because I was electrocuted.  I was being electrocuted and I couldn’t move and I thought:  “I’m overpowered and I’m going to die, finally!”  And I was happy.  Then I woke up.

I wasn’t dead.  I never seem to die.  Why does death always elude me?

Does my life have something to do with you, cloaked man?  I don’t think you can help me.  I doubt I can help you.  I’m not sure anymore.  I don’t trust anything.  I feel paralyzed.  I should make a move but all I want to do is make a no-move.  Just sit here and wait.  For someone to come.

But no one will come.  I even disconnected the phone.  I don’t want to hear it ring.  I’m not going to answer anyway.  I’m tired of these fake connections.  I need the real thing.  When I feel like this I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I couldn’t talk anyway.  My throat is numb.  My voice has been disactivated.  I’m not even sure I have a breath.

I am lost because the meaning of things was removed today.  Does this ever happen to you?  Nothing has meaning.  Maybe I’m dissociating again.  Or derealizating.  The environment, the thoughts and the feelings seem unreal.  Where’s my reality?

Maybe I’m just lonely.  If someone would knock on my door, it would surely bring me back to reality.  I need to be touched.  Maybe shaken.  Maybe slapped in the face or kicked in the stomach.

“What you need is a big strong hand to lift you to your higher ground.”

Now I’m channeling Madonna.

Ready, Willing & Able

Rebel1

I felt safe inside my bubble
Until I turned into a rebel

Now I accept the unacceptable
And don’t respect the respectable

My new flag is colorful
And my briefs are edible

My dreams are probable
And my fantasies plausible

My shoulders are huggable
And my lips are kissable

My thighs are touchable
And my excitement is visible

My ideas are unconventional
And my secrets discoverable

My hunger is insatiable
And my thirst unquenchable

If I find you irresistible
Oh man, you’re in trouble

My Ego

My ego has been begging me for attention.  He wants to be recognized on my blog!  (asshole)  He thinks that he’s so important and that his life matters.  He’s arrogant and emotional.  He’s also mortal.  But I’m stuck with him.

Anyway, I thought I should give him a post and let him express himself a little bit.  Let’s see what he comes up with.

I introduce you to Denny, my ego:

– – – – – – – – – –

Hi, Everyone!

I want to tell you about me.  You have to see what I look like.  So I gathered some photos from my album and here they are.  I’ll start at the beginning.

Here is my first school photo.
I was 6 years old and in grade one:

Ego06

I was intelligent, shy and very cute  🙂

Then I grew up and became an adult.
Here is my first passport photo when I was 23:

Ego23

Then I got married and had two kids.
Here is a photo that was taken after the birth of my second child, when I was 30:

Ego30

Then I got divorced and remained single for 4 years.

At age 37, I decided to get married again.
Here is a boudoir photo of me which was taken shortly after the wedding:

Ego37

Then I kept getting older and had two more kids.
Here is a photo of me at the cottage, when I was 47:

Ego47

I don’t want to tell you how long ago that last photo was taken.  What I want is for you to continue thinking that I am intelligent, shy and very cute.

Thank you for watching, and thank you Daemon for allowing me to show off on your blog.

Denny

Loving Myself Blindly

Acquiescence4

Why do I love a person that I cannot see?
Why do I love blindly?
It’s stupid, really.

Maybe it’s because of experience…

I once loved a lady I could see.
And she deceived me.

Now I love a man who I cannot see.
That man is me, aside from my physical body.

The thinking man, the feeling man, the spiritual man.
That is the real me.  I’m not my current limited body.
So I could be blind and still love me.

I love the past me, the present me and the future me.
Especially the future me, the one I intend to be.
He’s already with me.  He is within me.  And he has a…
beautiful, superpowerful, cosmic light-body!

He invites me
He inspires me
He pushes me
He leads me

I can certainly love blindly.
As long as my true lover is me.
And as long as I live eternally.

[Daily Prompt]

My Temple

Temple8

Okay, I’ve had enough of this.
I’m rebuilding my temple right now!

You tried to ruin me but it didn’t work.  You thought you had defeated me but you didn’t.

Among the ruins there was still something shining, a gem.  My tabernacle didn’t die.  My holy of holies went into a coma, temporarily, but has awakened.  Beware because it gained strength.  You think you have subjugated me but you haven’t.  I played dead so you would stop kicking and leave me alone.  I was still breathing undetectably.

I’m rebuilding my temple right now.  I’m making it stronger this time.  I will not let thieves like you enter, ever!  My temple is sacred.  It’s my permanent dwelling place, my home and my fortress.  I live in it, I rule within it, I control every aspect of it.  And I have an ally.

My temple is my castle but also the abode of the god who uplifted me.  My rescuer and my power, the one who reminded me who I really was.  The only one who told me how much I was worth in his eyes and in the eyes of those who love me, the sons of eternity and Eternity himself.

I’m rebuilding my temple right now.  I picked up the scattered stones and placed each one in its proper place.  You will see it and probably think that it’s the same old temple, but it’s not.  You see the exterior but not the interior.  You can throw words at it and anything else you want, but you will not have access to the one living inside of it.

I’m rebuilding my temple right now and it will be indestructible.  It is a living temple, a breathing temple, a self-healing temple.  This temple is nothing less than the house of god and guess who that god is.  The temple will transmute as the person within it transforms.  You won’t see the transformation of course, because you are blind to the resurrected.

I’m rebuilding my temple right now and I will protect it.  I have hired a watchman, a doorkeeper, a guardian.  I gave him clear instructions:  never to let you in.  I know you will try.  You will act nice and innocent.  You will call me honey, flatter me and tell me that you love me.  Perhaps even kiss me.  I know you, daughter of Judas.  I can see through you now.  I have new eyes, bionic eyes, bullshit-sensitive eyes, and I WILL use them.

I’m rebuilding my temple right now and don’t even try to sneak in.  Don’t say you are sorry, don’t waste your breath.  My relationship with you is beyond repentance.  It is nonredeemable.  One day you might wake up and assume your divine nature but you won’t enter my temple.  You’ll have to build your own.  But it won’t happen.  Not in this realm because it is thicker and even more fucked up than you ever were.

I’m rebuilding my temple right now and I will not allow anyone inside except those who love the god within it.

I Trust Me

Trust12

I seek I
I sees me

I talk to I
I listens to me

I ask I
I answers me

I cry to I
I consoles me

I thank I
I welcomes me

I trust I
I unveils me

I close my eye
I exposes me

I desire I
I touches me

I allow I
I caresses me

I let I
I hugs me

I embrace I
I squeezes me

I sense I
I stimulates me

I invite I
I enters me

I permit I
I moves me

I incite I
I fills me

I open my eye
I hypnotises me

I fall in I
I becomes me

I die to I
I kills me

I lose I
I takes me

I am I
I am me

I trust I
I trust me