Dying in Your Sleep

Abduction2

Some people go to bed at night and thank God for all the wonderful things that happened to them during the day.

Not me.

I go to bed at night feeling disgusted, and also relieved that the day is finally over and then I ask God to please let me die in my sleep.

I have a friend who died in his sleep.  His life situation was similar to mine.  He was married, in his forties, had four kids and was healthy.  He died in 2011.

I had not been in touch with him for quite a while, so one day I decided to do an Internet search using his name to see if I could find any information concerning his whereabouts.

I found his obituary!  So then I searched for his sister on facebook and found her.  I sent her a message immediately to get some info about the cause of his death.  She said he had “heart arrhythmia” and died in his sleep.

I thought how lucky he was.  I can’t think of a more pleasant way to die.  I wondered if he had actually wanted to die in his sleep or if it just happened unexpectedly.

Ever since that day, I think of him every night before falling asleep and I wish that the same thing would happen to me.

Depressed people will understand.  There is nothing negative about death.  It is the ultimate metamorphosis of the human being.  Of course I believe in an afterlife, so basically I visualize death as some kind of release, where the real me (the soul) detaches from its eggshell (the physical body) and starts a new life.  To me, death is a birth.

Every morning I wake up, open my eyes, look around the room and think:  “Shit, I’m still here.”

Wishful Thinker

caterpillar

I long for a stranger
My heart wants a flyer
One my size, one like me
The finer the better

Who could it be
Hero or fairy
He’s hiding from me
My eyes just can’t see

His phantom makes sure
That forever I look
Ahead and within me
Not in any great book

He draws me nearer
Inside his manor
Do I have a choice
When I hear his voice

He’s very tricky
And very strange too
I’m sure there must be
A reason or two

He shows me where to go
So I never get lost
Pulls me with his lasso
Weird kind of Pentecost

I’m sure he’s what I shall become
I’m attracted to my future
I wonder if you think it’s dumb
To be drawn to my true nature

I want to take him
I want to kiss him
I want to eat him
Infuse into him

I think that if I do that
My body will transform
I will no longer be flat
Mistaken for a worm

Pleasuring myself and you
Unafraid of the mirror
Maybe even turn into
My own secret admirer

Not to envy my body
Simply fluttering proudly
Stimulating the others
Implying that it matters

Understand what is mine
Meant to glow and to shine
Can’t believe that it’s greed
To find one’s own star seed

This seed is my core
Pushes me forward
I just can’t ignore
Love that is inward

Honor it, hug it
Give it importance
And presidency
Spirit is the key

But why is it like this
It hurts to not be ready
I’m not yet the reflection
Of the one I wish to be

The mirror is a liar
It shows the exterior
The bumps, the pits, the scars
An aging caterpillar

But this is not me
It’s just a fur top
It’s like an eggshell
A shield I must drop

Oh I can’t wait to get out
Geez I can’t wait to break free
Can’t stop dreaming of those wings
How beautiful they will be

Pathetic Prayer

Fallen Angel 3

If all I get from my relationship with you is an escape from this corporeal world, then that’s good enough.

I know you love me.  You have proved it to me multiple times.  I searched for you my whole life.  And you came as promised.  But you know what I am sad about?  I’m ashamed to say that I want more.  Not more stuff, but more intimacy.  You want more too, eh?  Well this is why I’m here sitting in my room.  I just enjoy being with you.  I feel alive and full in your presence.  Nothing else matters.

This corporeal life stresses me out.  Fuck, I slept all morning.  My mundane tasks bore me.  I would like to do something more interesting than clean, organize stuff, file paper, cook, and listen to people talk.  I like creating stuff.  I created some houses in Minecraft.  It makes me happy even though no one cares, except my kids (they said my houses were nice).  Adults don’t care about creativity, especially within video games.

I want to create things that will uplift people.

I also have an ego who wants to be recognized.  When I was in primary school, I wished I had big angel wings, that I could spread out when I walked out of the school, and fly away home.  All the kids would see me and be in awe.  I always wanted this kind of recognition.  I wish I could be happy with just being an ordinary man.

I have strange desires.  Corporeality does not allow them.  So I play with virtual realities and my imagination:

I have wings that no one knows about
My father is a god
My mother is human
So I’m a demigod!

I’ve kept my wings hidden most of my life
Flying is going above corporeality
and seeing it from a higher perspective
Like Horus, the Egyptian falcon god!

The Eye of Horus = seeing things from above
Up there, there is nothing but peace… and light

I see this man down there
I know this man
I control this man
I can go inside this man and see through this man’s eyes
and experience the world within this man’s body
feel what he feels
hear what he hears
He’s my vehicle

I intend to always remember who I am.
I intend to make this body do interesting things.

Amen