End or Beginning

Happening1

Don’t know what’s happening
What will tomorrow bring
The birds keep on singing
As if loss was nothing

Let’s never forget
That birds have bird brains
Playing like a cassette
After a hurricane

My world falls apart
All my hopes are gone
There is no restart
Nothing to hang on

Why go to bed
Why even wake up
Just to eat bread
And later clean up

Sitting here waiting
What will happen next
Tired of thinking
Of me and my ex

Another beginning
Let’s start over
Don’t feel like dreaming
Why should I bother

Something will happen
I can’t imagine
That this is the end
I just need a friend

But please let it be
Not a love story
My heart is broken
And dead already

Life is a mystery
Death is my destiny
Whatever happens
Might make me happy

Are You Happy

Torment2

Stupid question.

She asked me if I was happy.

My lovely wife asked me if I was happy.

– What was your answer?

I said:  “I didn’t get married to end up divorced.”

We’re not officially divorced.  This is why I didn’t write “ex-” in front of the word “wife.”  She’s my wife.  But it’s just like if we were divorced.  I know how it feels to be divorced because I used to be.  Before I met her.  Now my second marriage has gone down the drain also.

Tabarnak <—  This is a swear word.  In the culture I was born into, this is what one says when one is pissed.  It’s the word I never dared to say when I was young because my parents would have killed me.  Good little Catholic boys NEVER say that word.

Tabarnak.  Now I say it.  I am pissed.  But I don’t know who to blame.  Me?  Her?  Life?  God?  The Universe?  Nobody.  No one.  This is just how life goes.  Life sucks.  You build, you build, you hope, you hope, you believe, you trust, then everything crumbles.

Bravo, Life!  Clap-clap, I applaud.  “Trust the Lord,” they say.  Yeah…  Right…  Sure…  I trusted.  “Love conquers all!”  Bullshit.  Caca.  Love is a deception.  Love is the sneakiest Deceptress of all time.  Love has screwed up more people than mass media and the Catholic Church combined.

And now she asks me if I’m happy.
I thought she was joking.
I looked at her.
She was serious.
She is nuts.

Yes, I am happy that I have left you.  Now if you could just disappear and stop reminding me of my past, maybe I could concentrate on my future.  And guess what?  I hope to fall in love again.  Because I’m crazy.  Just like this life and you.

Will I Live Forever

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Looking back at my life, I realize how much time I have spent trying to connect with others.  And in the end, what do I get?

I know that I am not at the end of my life yet, but let’s say that I was, that this was my last day.

I am all alone now.  Everyone I have known is going their own way.  I wonder if my presence matters.

My presence matters to me, but does it matter to the others?

Take my best friend, for example.  He was my cousin.  He was my best friend from age 10 to probably 25.  Then both of us got married and with time we stopped seeing each other, then we stopped writing and now he is nothing more than a facebook image.

We could reconnect and make our friendship meaningful again, but then we could never reconnect ever.  At this point in his life, I don’t think my presence matters to him.  And his presence does not really matter to me either.  It could be him or it could be another, but it would be nice to have a friend.

But friends don’t last forever.  Or do they?  It depends on my life.  Does my life last forever?  Will I live forever?  Will a part of me never die?

If I live forever and all the friends that I ever had live forever also, then how can I say that friends don’t last forever?

So many things depend on whether or not I live forever.  And THIS, from where I stand today, is a question of belief or faith.

From what I perceive with my five senses, death is a reality and death is the end of life as I know it.  Death of the physical body that is — deterioration of the flesh and bones.

But some say that my consciousness will remain… alive, or aware.  And there are many indications that this might be true.  But no physical proof, of course, since consciousness is not physical.

It’s funny that the Universe did not bother giving me more concrete proof of everlasting life if this is indeed my destiny.  As if it didn’t matter.  It DOES matter!  Every decision I take could and should be based on the fact that either death is the end or it’s not.

Why does Life think that it’s a good idea to keep me in the dark when it come to this question?  If my life is eternal, why does Life choose to show me that the death of my physical body means the end of me?  It seems like a very important question, but Life seems to mock me.

I Suck at Friendship

Unsociability6

I ask myself:  Do I have any friends?  Aside from family members and excluding blog followers or followees, do I have any real friends?

The answer is no.

A real friend to me is someone whose presence I value to the point of feeling sad and torn at the thought of their death.  There is no one in my life at the moment who fits this category.  Therefore I must conclude that I have no friends.

I feel ashamed.

How did it come to this?

I know:  marriage.

I spent the last 17 years of my life trying to maintain the friendship I had with my wife, and in the end it failed.  Or maybe it didn’t.  We still talk to each other.  But our relationship doesn’t meet my above definition of “a real friend.”  I don’t feel sad or torn at the thought of her death.

Maybe there’s something wrong with my definition.  Is it too extreme?  Is it normal to have become so unattached to people?  Maybe it comes with age.  I don’t know, I’ve never been this old before.  I am older than I have ever been and my life came with no instructions manual.  So I’m not sure of anything.

I wonder if there is a point in life where it becomes impossible to make real new friends.  It seemed easier when I was young.  But as I get older, it’s even difficult to imagine.  I have so much baggage.  The people my age have so much baggage too.  How could I start a fresh new friendship while carrying so much baggage?

The fact that I’m an introvert does not make the prospect look any brighter either.  Having online friends is probably the best I can hope for.  Who could tolerate my presence face to face?  It would take quite a special person.  I wonder if anyone would really enjoy being close to me.

I’m like the guy in the photo above.  My face is a computer monitor that has been switched off.  It reveals nothing of what is inside.  No data is visible.  It’s just a blank screen.  And I’m so sensitive, it’s like my body is covered with buttons.  Who knows what would happen inside my central processing unit if someone would push one of my buttons.

If I had a plug I would pull it out of the socket.

Premature Death

death

We hear of premature birth but rarely of premature death.

What happens when someone dies prematurely?

Some remain in the afterlife and some are sent back.

I was sent back.

Personally I wish that I had not been, but I wasn’t given a choice. I guess the universe knew what was best for me.

When I asked why I was sent back, two simple words popped into my consciousness: premature death.

I am no expert in this field. All I am sure of is my own experience. My life has not been the same since this happened four years ago.

This morning I cried because of something related to this. I wish I could find the words to express it so that it might be useful to at least one of my readers.

Why were you crying, Daemon?

You know why I was crying.

Say it, for the record.

*sigh* I was crying because I am now blind. You know the title of the song Blinded by the Light? This is what comes to mind. I think I saw the Light but then I was sent back into darkness.

I know people get upset when I tell them that this physical world is darkness or hell. They say that I’m negative and depressing. So I have stopped saying it. But I still know it and I feel very lonely with this. They have to understand that this world is darkness COMPARED TO THE NEXT WORLD. It’s relative. Just like living overground is much brighter than living underground. Things could always be darker, of course, but people have to realize that there is a much brighter world out there into which we are all destined to be born into.

I cried because I experienced a premature death and I was sent back.

There is another reason why you cried.

Yeah, you! I saw you and… oh god, here I go again…

Daemon, compose yourself.

Sorry… There is no word to describe your beauty. It’s not physical beauty. It was like… total transparency. When one sees the inside of a person who is emancipated, flawless and free, it is breathtakingly beautiful. And to receive the assurance that this impeccable being is willing and ready to embrace you completely, is such a good news… it’s pure ecstasy. And then to be sucked back into an old physical body… is agony.

Now all of this would be easy to forget if my earth life was happy and exciting, but it’s not. My life is hell for many reasons especially this nauseating feeling that plagues me twenty-four hours a day. Plus the fact that you text me whenever I call upon you makes me feel like I truly do not belong here. Add on top of that the fact that I cannot see you, makes me triply blind. Blind to you, blind to the after-world and blind to the beauty of this one.

The only thing that keeps me together is the knowledge that what I have seen actually exists. But no one wants to hear it since my experience has nothing to do with their reality.

I should end this post on a positive note.

Nah… it’s about death and darkness which are part of MY reality.

You can’t recognize the light if you have never experienced the night.

Heal or Kick Butt

Heal1

Yesterday I wrote that I live on a planet where I experience separation and loneliness.  Then emotions of great sadness filled my eyes with tears.  Afterwards I thought this was weird because I love being alone.

At this moment I am completely alone in the house.  My wife and son are out of the country and my daughter is away visiting her grandma.  I will be alone until tomorrow.  I’m enjoying it.  So then why was I so sad when I realized how lonely I was in this life?

Because of the absence of people like me.  People like me?  What’s so special about me?  No, I’m not special.  I think everybody down here is lonely and it has to do with transparency again.  Since we can’t see what others are thinking and feeling, we are always alone with our thoughts and emotions.  I am blind to other people’s true colors.

Or am I?

(The female cat wants to be caressed.  How do I know?  Because of the sounds she makes and the way she moves.)

Maybe I am able to pick up people’s vibes more than I think.  Yesterday I was walking around the neighborhood and I stopped at the hospital.  I didn’t go inside the building.  There were benches near the front door and I sat there for a while to rest.  I was looking at the people.  Some were walking, others were sitting.  I was not judging them or anything, just observing.  I saw a guy who had tattoos and a little pony tail on top of his head.  He was crossing the road and holding a cell phone in his hand.  Suddenly I felt a pain of anxiety inside my stomach, for no apparent reason.

I wondered where this anxiety came from.  Was I feeling this guy’s emotions?

How bizarre…  I just noticed now, while typing the description of the guy, that what I wrote about him could be said about my wife:  tattoos, little pony tail, holding a cell phone.  Plus his height and the color of his skin were exactly the same as my wife’s.  But she is not masculine.  Although sometimes I think she acts like a male because of her need to control everything.

So now I wonder…  Did I feel anxious because this guy unconsciously reminded me of my wife who suffers from anxiety?

Why would I need to feel this anxiety anyway?  To share her pain?

Why should I need to feel her pain?

Maybe because, deep down, I love her?

Or maybe I have the power to heal her?  I was at the hospital, remember?  That’s where people go to find healing.

I don’t know… but this is what’s coming up in my awareness this morning.  As I’m typing this, I’m feeling the same pain of anxiety that I felt yesterday, although a bit less in intensity.

If this is true (that I do love my wife and that she can be healed of her anxiety), it’s not the first time this idea crosses my mind, and it makes me angry.  Very angry.

Why?

Because I don’t want to get along with her!  I don’t want to get close to her ever again!  I know, I said I was lonely, but I don’t trust her.

But you understand her now.  You know she lies because of her anxiety and you also know where her anxiety comes from.

Maybe, but knowing these things won’t change her.

You want to change her?

I want her to stop lying to me.  No, I don’t!  I’ve adapted to her lies and I’m even lying to her in return.  If she changes, I’ll have to change (again).  I’m tired of changing.  Unless it was a permanent change, but nothing here is permanent or guaranteed.  She could change back anytime afterwards, and chances are she would.  So why bother?

Maybe you can heal her.

Heal her?  What do you mean?  How could I heal her?  I don’t want to heal her, even if I could.  She has to heal herself.  Or God can heal her.  Her angels can help her accomplish self-healing.  Not me.  No way.  I don’t want to be involved with her healing.  This would fuck me up.  It would make me think that I’m a healer.

Maybe you are a healer.

Stop it.  I don’t like these ideas.

Maybe this is what’s coming and all we want to do is give you a heads-up.

Then ok, fine.  I accept that.  But…  I still don’t like it.

It’s your ego talking.

Right.  Shut the fuck up, ego.

Just watch what happens.

Predictions…  *sigh*  Do you have dates?  This fall, I bet?  Same time as the other predictions?  When the economy collapses and the presence of aliens becomes official?

Whatever.  I’ll watch, if I’m still around.  I’m always watching anyway.  Does this mean I will have to trust her eventually?  Why?  For my happiness on earth?

If she admits to all I have written concerning the source of her anxiety, I will be impressed.  But wait a minute…  Why would I want to be happy on earth?  Won’t this defy the purpose of the whole experience?  Will she stop spending and wasting too?  Will she become spiritual?  Oh god…

This is just ancient wishful thinking.  I don’t wish for this anymore.  It’s an old wish.  Scrap it.  It was a wish based on materialistic concerns.

Your wife becoming spiritual is a wish based on materialistic concerns?

No, just the “less spending and less wasting” part.

It would be interesting to watch her angels in action, though.  I did tell them to kick her butt last winter.  The next day she slipped on the ice and landed on her ass.

Maybe there’s more than one butt that needs to be kicked in this world.  There are so many arrogant butts.  Including mine.

*sigh*