My Shadow

Smoke Man

He’s here.  He means business.  I wish he would speak.  He remains silent.  But his silence speaks louder than words.  How does he do it?

The Shadow Man follows me, watches everything I do.  He’s not a spy.  I think he likes me.  Yes… he loves me.

He seems to be attached to me.  As far as I can tell, he has no choice.  He’s devoted to me.  But he’s not a servant.  He’s more like a companion.  A silent companion.

His presence is felt in the present only.  Warm and enveloping.  Calm, reassuring.  He doesn’t seem to be concerned with my material preoccupations.  He is concerned with my well-being though.  It’s impossible to worry with him around.

He seems to have a knowledge of the world, of the universe.  He’s from another world, another dimension, but he’s well-grounded on earth.  Anchored to me.

I’m obsessed with him.  No, he’s obsessed with me.  Trying to seduce me.  He’s so mysterious, but he’s so close, he never leaves me.  I don’t think he has a life apart from me.

He’s almost boring, but he’s not!  His presence means everything, but what does it mean?  Why am I so obsessed with him?

He fills a gap.  A gap that has existed since as far back as I can remember.  No one could fill this gap.  He’s the missing piece of the puzzle.  The puzzle of life.  He’s the missing piece of me.

Sounds like the man my mother calls Jesus.  Maybe he is Jesus.  But he never told me his name.  In a way he’s just like him.  But he doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Christianity.

He’s mine.  He’s not a member of any church.  He’s like a partner.  A twin.  Probably my twin flame.  Although he appears to be unreal.  I can’t touch him with any of my five senses.  He’s more than physical to me.  People think physicality is the ultimate reality.  I have to disagree.

Invisibility is the ultimate reality.

He watches me as I write this.  He sits not beside me, but through me.  Like an aura, all around me.  His shape merges with mine but it overflows, as if he’s bigger than me, like a shadow.

What does he want?  Nothing.  He seems happy that I recognize him.  Simply.  As though this was his ultimate desire.  But then he stays silent.  I’m the one who needs to talk.  He just listens.  And when I talk and he listens something happens.  He communicates.  How does he do it?

At first he appeared in front of me.  Now that I have accepted him, he comes so close he blends his body into mine.  But at the beginning, he would politely just sit in front of me.

When I first saw him, I understood.  Understood what?  This is what I’m trying to put into words.  I understood everything.  My whole life, in one flash.  The answer.  He was the answer to all my questions.  Questions such as:  Who am I?  Where do I come from?  Where am I going?  Does God exist?  What’s my purpose?

Him.  The answer to all those questions is him.  This shadow man who is more real than any of the visible ones.  He is me.  I come from him.  I’m going to him.  He exists, he’s my god.  He’s my purpose.  He’s my destiny.

It doesn’t even make sense.  I know.  I don’t really understand.  I’m not even sure I can explain.  What bothers me is that this is what I have heard others say about Jesus.  But he’s not Jesus.  Or maybe he is.

Why is he not Jesus?  Because he is me, and I know that I am not Jesus.  But maybe I am.  Maybe everybody is Jesus.  I know some have this perception of Jesus.  But many don’t.  Jesus might be a myth.  This guy who accompanies me is not a myth.

I think each person has one.  Each person is one.  A spirit.  He’s my etheric double.  I’m convinced of that.  Each person has one.  He’s not separate from me.  He’s the ultimate me.

He’s the eventual me, the final me, the last me, the supreme me, the future me, and maybe even the first me, the only real me.

But when I look at myself in the mirror, I’m so not like him.  I’m so artificial compared to him.  How could I think that I am him?  He’s above, I’m below.  He’s in another dimension.  He transcends time.  I function according to time.  We’re not from the same time.  Yet we are.

If I would be like him, I would simply be there.  I would BE.  “Thanks for being there.”  A reassuring presence.  Maybe that’s all I am.  How boring.  Like the cat.  A reassuring calm warm furry presence.  Then why all the rest?

What have we done to our world?  What have THEY done to our world?  It’s so artificial.  Probably because of money.  And control.  Greed, money, control.  Servitude, bondage, slavery.

Slavery is alive and well.  It has never been abolished, just transformed.  Is it easier to break free?  It’s not even possible for me without the Shadow.  He sets me free.  And you can’t be set free if you can’t see it.  The best slave is the one who thinks he’s free.

Man Crying

Man Crying

Fuck, I’m crying.  What’s wrong with me.  I feel like such a baby.  Like as if everything I’ve done so far means nothing.  Like I’m 5 years old again.  Lost.

I tried so hard to integrate.  All my life.  Was it in vain?  What was I supposed to do?  The pressure was strong.  It wouldn’t go away.  I was so alone.  People are so stupid.

Now I’m old and depressed.  I feel it’s too late.  I don’t know how to be a father.  I don’t know how to be an adult.  I don’t even know how to be human.  I’m just a child myself.  I’m a kid with children and a wife.  I don’t know what to do about the wife…

This is the only life I have, man.  How can I teach my kids to integrate, I don’t even know how to do it myself.

I’m always here, at the same place.  Years later, still here, still feeling the same.  I’m so sick of it.  So tired.  I don’t know what to do.

How long do I have to keep running this show.  Is anyone watching?  Is anyone entertained or interested?  Are the actors happy?  Am I derailing here?  Am I off the track?  What track?  Is there a track?

Time is ticking.  What have I learned?  Should I consult the I Ching?  …  I know, I have You.  But You only tell me things I already know.  All You do is rearrange my thoughts.  Same old words…

God?

     “You’re being purified.”

Oh great.  Then I’m fucking happy.  Thank you.

*Crying my eyes out*

(Excerpt from my personal journal, October 2012)

 

Drifting Transformer

transformer3

Wake up
Sleeper

What do you see
Perceiver

What do you suppose
Thinker

What do you accept
Believer

Where do you belong
Dweller

Where do you go
Voyager

What do you look for
Seeker

What do you admire
Contemplator

How do you behave
Player

What form do you take
Shape-shifter

Who do you touch
Lover

What do you plant
Seeder

What do you gain
Winner

What do you accomplish
Achiever

When does it end
Repeater

How do you fix it
Healer

How do you start over
Time-traveller

Daemon and His Spirit

Spirit

Did you try to rapture me?

Isn’t that what you wanted?

Yes, but I got scared.

Why?

I didn’t know what was happening and where you were going to take me.

I just wanted to take you home.

Okay, I know that I called aliens to come and get me a while ago, but this is freaking me out.  I’m not so sure anymore.

Don’t you trust me?

I don’t know… probably not.

You cannot be lifted without merging with me.
Do you WANT to be raptured?

Yes… but…

But what?

 I can’t believe you.  But I’m afraid you might be right.

Why can’t you believe me?

I don’t know, it’s too weird and I can’t see you.

You don’t need to see me.
You can feel me and hear me, this is all that is necessary.

What if you’re not who you say you are?  Not of God?

You analyse too much.

God gave me a brain, shouldn’t I use it?

He also gave you a heart.

I have to be sure about this.

You don’t have to be.  All you need to do is trust me.

That’s the problem.  I don’t know if I should trust you.

Try it, you have nothing to lose.

What’s going to happen to me if I let you rapture me?

It’s going to transform you.

Into what?

Into one of us.

Am I going to die?

No.

Am I going to disappear?

Not physically.

How is it going to change me?

You’re going to detach.

Detach from what?

From everything that is on earth.

Is it going to hurt?

Maybe a little.

Can I bring a friend along, or a family member?

No.  Abductions are only accomplished on an individual basis.

Why?

So that all of the attention is focused on you.

Will you gain anything from it?

I will gain a brother.

What will I gain?

Celestial life.

Is celestial life better than terrestrial life?

It lasts longer.

Is it better?

Definitely.  One thousand times better.

Hmm…  Well, I know I will eventually die if I don’t do SOMETHING.

This is your chance to get a life extension and to experience something different.

It’s tempting.  I feel I have no choice.

You have a choice.  The problem is, you are scared.

Yes.

You need to get over your fear.  A brave person is not someone who is never scared, it’s someone who is afraid but goes ahead anyway.

It’s not that easy, you know.

It’s not that hard either.

It helps when we talk like this.  You always seem to have the right answer.

You are lucky that this opportunity is being offered to you today.

You think an abduction is an opportunity?

Of course.  A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

I think I need more time.

You have twenty-four hours.

*I look at the clock.  It’s 11:11 p.m.*

Really?

You have a whole day to think it over.  By this time tomorrow, I need to know if you want to be abducted or not.

What if I can’t make up my mind?

I need a definite “yes” from you.  Indecision means no.

I can’t believe this is happening.  I’m imagining this.  Even if I say yes, I bet nothing will happen.

The beauty of it is you don’t even have to believe it.  As long as you trust God, open your heart and say yes, it will happen.  I WILL abduct you.

What exactly will happen?

Look up the word “abduct” in the dictionary.

It says:  “to carry off or lead away (a person) illegally and in secret or by force, especially to kidnap.”

This sounds like an accurate definition, except for one thing.  I am kind enough to ask your permission first.

What “force” are you going to use to kidnap me?

Love

You kidnap with love?  Sounds contradictory.

It’s the greatest force in the universe.  The only one I need.  It’s very effective.

I’m not as scared anymore, but I still have questions.

Shoot.

If you abduct me, are you going to take my soul?

Do you even know what a soul is?

Let me rephrase…
Are you going to take my will?  My ability to think for myself, my free will, is it going to be taken from me?

No.  You get to keep your free will.  But you will have to take down your defenses to allow me to kidnap you.

Take down my defenses?

Yes.  Willingly surrender.

Surrender what?

Your life on earth.

My life?

On earth.

You want to take my life?

I don’t want your earth life.  You can keep that.  But why would you want to keep this ephemeral earth life?  Eventually you will have to give it up anyway.

You said that I would not die.

The abduction will not kill you, if this is what you’re thinking.  But in order for me to take you, you need to let go of your attachment to earth.

Will you bring me back?

Father will decide.

Is he God or something?

Yes.  He rules.

So you’re not even sure if I will ever return?

I’m pretty sure that you will, but either way, you have to be willing not to return.  This is part of the surrendering that is required for the abduction to be successful.

So total trust in you is required.

I’m not doing this for myself, it’s part of God’s plan for you.

You could be lying.

Daemon, if you don’t trust me, trust God.  There has to be trust.  But I will be the one abducting you.  Do you think your Creator would allow a liar to take away your free will without His consent?

Not if He loves me.

Your Creator loves you and He wants to extend your life and this is how he chooses to do it.

Thank you.  I have no more questions right now.  I will ponder what you have just said and give you an answer before the deadline.

All right.

(Oh my God, this is crazy)

My Creation Myth

Book1

In the beginning
there was me
and I was in a library.

The Vision:

I am young.
I want to know where I came from.
So I walk up to the front desk and ask the librarian to give me a book.  She gives me a large, old, dusty book.  I take it, turn around and look for a place to sit.  I see a burgundy armchair not too far.  I go and sit in it.

I take a deep breath and open the book.  I can’t see the title, my vision is blurry.  I think maybe I need glasses.  I look up, wink a few times to clear my eyes, and then look down at the title again.  I can distinguish three words:  “The Orphic Immersion“.

I turn the page.  It’s a Table of Contents.

I turn the next page.  It’s an Introduction.

I read the first sentence:  “Those who wish to join the coalition are warned.  The task will not be easy, but the rewards will be great.

I turn the page.  Chapter One.

I read the first sentence:  “Are you an adventurer?

I flip through the pages.

The author writes about going to the underworld and being allowed to bring only one light.  “All you will need to do is keep your light on,” he says.  The rest of the book is very enigmatic, I’m not sure what he’s talking about.

I close the book.  I’m very curious.  I want to know more.

I stand up and walk to the front desk.  I hand the book back to the librarian.  She says thank you.

I turn around.  I see a huge exit door across the room.  It’s a bright day.  The sun shines through the tainted glass around the door.  Birds are singing.

These two phrases echo inside my head:

“Those who wish to join the coalition are warned.
The task will not be easy, but the rewards will be great.”

I decide to join the coalition.  I head towards the exit, push the door and walk out.

The next thing I know, I’m in a hospital.  Close to the ceiling looking down.  A woman is lying on a very narrow table.  I think it’s an operating table.  She’s holding on to it tight.  There are blinding lights above her.  She’s wearing a thin robe and no underpants.  Two doctors walk into the room and stand on each side of her.  They smile and one of them says:  “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be alright.”  Then the other one gently lifts her robe and I can’t see what he’s doing.  I don’t like the thought of it.  The woman starts screaming.  I see blood and I feel like the life is being sucked out of ME!  What’s happening?  I feel extremely nauseous.  Then I pass out.

I snap out of the vision.

Find a Lifeboat

Lifeboat

Our ship is sinking.
If you cling to it you will die.
Where are the lifeboats?

My last blogpost got me thinking.  If my children were to read it and ask me:  “Papa, what do you mean?  What is a lifeboat and where can I find one?  I don’t want to die!”

What would I tell them?

Dear kids,

This story concerns you.  The Titanic is your body.  Rose represents you, the person inside the body.  The lifeboat is the “thing” that will allow you to “detach” from the body.  If you cling to the body (identify with it) you will die with it.  You are not your body, but a person inside the body.

In the film Titanic, Mr. Andrews was the shipbuilder.  He knew the ship, he built it.  Who built your physical body?  It doesn’t really matter who built it, what matters is the vital information he gives you concerning it:  “I assure you, she can sink…  and she will.  It’s a mathematical certainly.”

He also tells Rose to get to a lifeboat quickly:  “Don’t wait.  You remember what I told you about the lifeboats?”

What is a lifeboat?  Is it something far away which is hard to find?  No, it’s easy to find and it’s not far away.  The lifeboat is not in the air, under the sea or on land.  The lifeboat is on the ship!  Remember, the ship is your body.  The lifeboat is inside your own body, not outside of it.

Once you find a lifeboat what are you going to do?  Sit in it and pray?  No, the lifeboat has to be hoisted down, down, down until it touches the cold, dark, roaring sea.  It’s going to be scary.  Some people might tell you that’s it safer to remain onboard the big ship, that you have plenty of time, that another ship will come and rescue you.

Don’t listen to them.  Get on the lifeboat quickly.  Make sure it’s hoisted down.  And then what?  Cling to the ship?  No, if you do that, your lifeboat will be pulled downward along with the ship when it sinks.  You need to paddle far away from the ship.

Kids:  “Papa, I still don’t know what a lifeboat is and where to find one!”

Listen children.  Don’t panic.  You need to find something within you that allows you to turn your attention away from your physical body, it’s appearances and it’s insatiable greedy desires.  You are not your body.  You are Rose, the person inside the body.  Give life to this person.  Save this person before she drowns.

All in the Same Boat

Titanic

Fact #1  – Earth is deteriorating.
Fact #2  – The body is expiring.
Fact #3  – Death is a certainty.

Quotes:

Rose:  Mr. Andrews…  I saw the iceberg and I see it in your eyes…  please, tell me the truth.

Mr. Andrews:  The ship will sink.

Rose:  You’re certain?

Mr. Andrews:  Yes.  In an hour or so, all of this will be at the bottom of the Atlantic.  Please, tell only who you must.  I don’t want to be responsible for a panic.  And get to a boat quickly, don’t wait.  You remember what I told you about the boats?

Rose:  Yes…  I understand.

Ismay:  But this ship can’t sink!

Mr. Andrews:  She’s made of iron, sir!  I assure you, she can…  and she will.  It is a mathematical certainty.

Rose

– – – – – – – – – – – –

Now back to poor little me on earth:

Do I understand the basic facts?
Do I know what a lifeboat is and where to find one?
Do I want to live or just find comfort while I sink?

Freedom Inside

Freedom

Where’s the freedom?

Most people spend their lives looking for love.  I spent my life looking for freedom.  Love too, but freedom was always first.  Love was easier to find than freedom, so I settled for love.  I thought I might find freedom in love.  Bad love took away the little freedom I had.

I hate love, in a way.  Love is a freedom sucker.  Or maybe it’s marriage…

Marriage promised me love but it didn’t deliver.  All my attempts at love scalded me.  Eventually both the motivation and ability to love were lost. And so was freedom.

Today I am stuck at home with three kids and three cats.  Just like yesterday and the day before.  I am blessed.  That’s what they say here:  “You have beautiful kids, you are blessed!”

Indeed, I am “blesse-d”.  The word blesse in French means hurt, injured, wounded, offended.  (My first language is French by the way).  So I don’t mind being told that I am blessed.  I just smile, nod and reply:  “Yes indeed, I am so blesse-d, you have no idea.”

I got sidetracked.  I was talking about freedom.  So, yeah:

Where’s the freedom?

There is very little freedom left in this world.  We are free to obey and free to choose what kind of slave we wish to be… to serve society.  Free to pay taxes, free to vote for assholes, free to buy all the useless junk we want.  Vive la liberté!

I can’t just run outside, jump and dance, run and fly freely like the animals do.  I’d be dead within a week.  Humans are so fragile.  Seems like we were never meant to be free on the outside.

So where’s the freedom?

I Am PERIOD!

I-AM

You are a boy
No I am PERIOD

You are 5½ pounds
No I am PERIOD

You are my baby
No I am PERIOD

You are Canadian
No I am PERIOD

You are a Christian
No I am PERIOD

You are 6 years old
No I am PERIOD

You are a student
No I am PERIOD

You are a teenager
No I am PERIOD

You are a graduate
No I am PERIOD

You are my employee
No I am PERIOD

You are married
No I am PERIOD

You are my husband
No I am PERIOD

You are a taxpayer
No I am PERIOD

You are a homeowner
No I am PERIOD

You are a father
No I am PERIOD

You are divorced
No I am PERIOD

You are unemployed
No I am PERIOD

You are an ex-Christian
No I am PERIOD

You are depressed
No I am PERIOD

You are mentally ill
No I am PERIOD

You are old
No I am PERIOD

You are dead
No I am PERIOD

You are…
No listen:

I am  I am Junior
The offspring of
The Great I Am
PERIOD!

Why Are You Happy Anyway?

death

There is no reason to be happy, really.  You’re going to die no matter what.  Eventually you’re going to lose everything you have, maybe even the people you love.

You laugh and dance now, but one day you’re going to cry and taste despair, just like me.  Don’t pity me if I’m depressed, I’m ahead of you.  You should be depressed too.

Can’t you see that this world sucks?  What, are you blind?  Can’t you see that the rich one percent has turned every one else into consumer slave zombies?  Wake up, earthling!

You are doomed!  This planet is doomed.  Even the sun will one day stop shining, probably sooner than you think.  A meteorite could hit at any moment.

And for those who believe in the Bible, have you not read this verse:  “The day you die is better than the day you are born.”  When a baby is born, you should cry, not celebrate.  And when someone dies, you should rejoice.

Depressed people are not sick, they see clearly.  Happy people are sick, they live in fantasy and think this world is an everlasting amusement park and that they will never die.  Bunch of fools.  They should be taking their medication, something to make them see the horrors of living in this useless temporary materialistic place called Hell on Earth.