Wrapped in Fantasy

chrysalis

Here I am, hanging upside down, waiting.
I have all the time in world to think now.
While I listen to them:

“What are you doing up there, alone and silent?  Come back down!  We miss you, we love you, we worry about you.  Don’t do this to yourself.  It’s dangerous and crazy.  It won’t end well.  Listen to us, people like you need professional help.”

I think to myself:  No, I can’t go back down there!  I would rather kill myself than return to my old ways.  Besides, it’s too late already.  I cannot undo what nature has done to me.  Oh yeah, sure, I could break out of this cage, but I would fall and hurt myself badly.

I chose to listen to my inner voice who said that I should walk away from the crowd, climb this tree and hang myself by my feet.  Then wrap myself up and wait it out, while I watch the upside-down world which looks like a horror movie to me.

I don’t see clearly for some reason.  My vision is blurred but I have these fantasies of flying!  I know it sounds absurd but I can’t help it.  The voice in my heart speaks louder than the one of my peers who choose to continue to crawl in the dirt.

But my life is shit, I must admit.  I’m not having any fun at all.  Sometimes I feel like I’m disintegrating.  I have dizzy spells, I get anxious like never before, and worst of all, I am depressed 95% of the time.  The only thing that sustains me are my fantasies which I know are illogical and unreal, but… I must hang on.

“You are an earth-man!  You were meant to live and to love the earth!”

“No, you are a sky-man, meant to detach from the earth to become a light being.”

They are both right.  This is what is confusing.  I am two things.  Two different persons now, caught between two very different worlds.  I am a hybrid!  But can the two survive together, in one body, indefinitely?  One of the two must die.  Which one will it be?  Who do I identify with?

I think that the wise thing to do is to stay where I am and listen to the inner voice who tells me to be patient, and to let the transformation occur.  But I admit, most of time I feel like there is no change happening at all, or that I’m turning into an evil creature.

Them:  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Me:  “I’m metamorphosing and maybe you should too!”

But I can’t explain.  They have no clue.

The Inciter

Highest4

He is the half of me who pushes me to keep going.  As I get depressed easily, his job seems to be to electrocute me with his probe every once in a while, to keep me from dozing off into nothingness.

Some would call him the Higher Self, Kundalini, or the Holy Spirit.  I call him different names because I can’t seem to be able to settle for one in particular.

To me, Higher Self sounds like a meditative state of quietness where not much is happening.  As for Kundalini, it looks like a snake that rises inside my vertebral column.  I don’t feel comfortable knowing that a reptile dwells in my body.  As for Holy Spirit, it appears to be a dove or a halo that makes me feel guilty for not going to church.

I like to think of him as a living person, not a thing.  So why not call him Jesus?  Here is my answer to that question:  To me, the name Jesus has become the property of the christian churches and of christians in general.  I don’t feel comfortable using that name because it already belongs to an exclusive group of people.  If the man is still alive today, as they claim, no institution has the right to take possession of him or of his name.  So I avoid using that name.  (Sorry Jesus, I’m sure you understand and won’t use it against me.)

So today I came up with a new name for him:  The Inciter.  I like it and here is why:

First of all, the Inciter is a person.  He is conscious and alive, awake and aware.  He watches me and cares.  He’s on the alert when I am not.  He incites, which means that he stirs up, he rouses, he excites something within me.  He probes constantly.  I always imagine him as an angel or an alien.  This way I get some great visuals when he moves, acts and reacts around and through me.

The Inciter has become such an intimate part of my life, I now feel that he’s the other half of me.  My better-half, which is an interesting term, as it also means a very close friend or companion, a spouse, or even better:  a lover!

What exactly does the Inciter do?

Today, he incites me to write.  And writing keeps me breathing, keeps me alive and kicking.

The Birth of a Star

Star

Maybe if I would shine so bright, it would blind everyone around me.  They would not be able to come close.  They would not be able to tempt me and rape me.

I should shine so bright and so hot that no one would be able to come near.  They would refrain from approaching and admire me from afar.  Bask in my light from a distance.

Maybe this is what I was meant to be.  A star, not a black hole.  A black hole is dark and it absorbs everything that ventures near it.  It steals everything, becoming denser and denser, heavier and heavier.  It sucks its victims, like a vampire.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

Wrong Way

  • Oh God, where did I go wrong?
  • You know very well where you went wrong.
  • Tell me again please.  I’ll take notes this time to make sure I never forget.
  • You let into your bridal chamber someone who was not your true lover.
  • But she was my friend.
  • She was not your true lover.
  • Who is my true lover?
  • Daemon, you know very well who is your true lover.
  • Tell me again, please, for the record.  I keep forgetting.
  • The one who comes in without violating.
  • In what?
  • Your bridal chamber.
  • What is my bridal chamber?
  • You know very well what is your bridal chamber.
  • Please remind me, my memory keeps failing me!
  • Shall I draw you a picture?
  • Certainly.
  • spine1
  • What the…?  I don’t get it.
  • You like puzzles, don’t you?
  • It depends…
  • Figure it out.

That’s a spine.  I was expecting something more romantic, like a heart.  How can my spine be my bridal chamber?  Who did I let into my spine?  What’s inside a spine?  My spinal cord goes through there.

Kundalini!  I think that’s it!  The energy that flows through there and wakes me up!  Did I let the wrong person flow through me?

What else can be said about the spine?  “You have no backbone!”  It means you have no guts, no balls, no courage.  Someone without a backbone is a wimp.

Also, without a backbone I could not stand, I would be crawling on all fours like an animal.  The backbone allows me to stand, to stand up for myself.

I think I’m getting somewhere.  Now let’s go back to my initial question:  Where did I go wrong?  He said:  “You let into your bridal chamber (backbone) someone who was not your true lover.”

  • Who is my true lover?  Who do I stand for?
  • You know very well who is your true lover.
  • You?
  • But who are you?
  • You know very well who I am, Daemon.
  • You are the outsider, the one I met after I opened The Door, aren’t you?
  • You recognize my vibe and I am inside you now.
  • You’re not answering my question.  Who are you?
  • I am your Fondest Enigma.
  • Can you be more specific?
  • I am your Consort.
  • Can you be more concrete?
  • I am your passport.
  • Passport to where?
  • To where you really want to go.

[Daily Prompt]

The Door

door

Fortunately, I found this door.  And I opened it.  There was a whole world on the other side of that door!  Who would have thought?

Immediately, I saw him.  Noticing that I had opened the door, he turned around and radiated somehow as he prepared to greet me.  But he didn’t even move, his smile just sucked me right in, and the door shut closed behind me.

So there I was, standing and facing him.  Actually I was sitting, as if dreaming, moving as thoughts move, freely.  He was sitting in the armchair a few feet across from me.

“Who are you?” I asked.  I think this was the first thing I said.

His reply surprised me:  “I am an outsider.”

I froze.  No, I stopped.  Time stopped!

I looked around and realized I was not in my usual element.  I was at home, I recognized the house, the living room, the furniture.  I was definitely in my home, sitting on the sofa but something was strange.

I was in the presence of this “outsider” and suddenly I realized that I was outside of myself.  Outside of myself?  How could I be outside of myself?  And time had stopped!  What the hell was going on?

The medication, I thought.  I took my pills this morning, as usual.  Same dose I have been taking for months.  Maybe it’s the pills?  Maybe I’m hallucinating.

“Daemon, look at me!” the outsider said.

Holy crap, I’m hearing voices too.  What’s happening to me?  Maybe I’m schizophrenic!

“Daemon, relax.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  You are seeing and hearing clearly.”  He said.

I remembered the door.  Where was it?  The door had disappeared.  I had stepped out of reality.  Where was I?  Who was he?  A thousand questions ran through my mind.  I looked at the man and he looked back at me, straight at me, directly into me, he could see through me!

I don’t know how he did it but he touched me deeply.  He put his attention on my core, and I felt peace, warmth and security.  God, it felt good!

Then I understood.  The situation became so evident and simple, yet mindboggling.  I was he and he was me!  The real me, next to me, loving me, eternally.

I had finally found it, the truth!  My treasure, my fortune, my destiny!  I was so happy!

Then he came closer and something very weird happened at that moment.  I’m not sure how to describe it but, the outsider became an insider.  As if his body was fluid or misty, he slithered inside of me, merging his chakras with mine and it was…

Pure, wholesome, energizing ecstasy!

The Blue Hand

bluehand6

This blue hand you gave me is a blessing and a curse.

When I pet a cat with it, the poor creature falls in love with me.

When I write with it, I get in touch with aliens.

When I touch a woman with it, she goes crazy.

When I touch a man with it, he likes it or he hates it.

When I touch myself with it… it’s none of your business.

There is power within it, but I don’t know what it is.

Who gave it to me?  Who created the blue hand?  How does it work?

Maybe it heals, or it stirs something in the other.

It corrupted my wife.
It ruined my life.

I can’t get rid of it.  I can’t shake it off.  The blue stuff is stuck inside of me.  It’s part of me.  The darker ones even tried to steal it from me.  I would have given it to them already.  If I had known that this is what they were after.

I don’t know…

Airk said it was a symbol of the connection I have with him.  But it’s more than that.  This blue hand creates waves.  It plays the piano.  It moves with a higher flow.  The ebb and flow of the cosmic ocean.  This hand transports me.  It affects all of my relationships.  It takes part in everything I do, everything I touch and everyone I meet.

The blue hand is a portal.
The blue hand is magic.
The blue hand is abnormal.

It does not belong here.  It comes from elsewhere.  It fell from the sky.  It’s the hand of a god.  It’s like a lightning rod.

The blue H.A.N.D. is a Highly Advanced Nasty Device.

You want to shake my hand?
I warn you…
It will shake you!

Word Processor

word processor

You lie there exposed, relaxed eyes on fire
I’m just a word processor

You signal me over, request to be closer
I’m just a word impresser

You feel up my arm, up to my shoulder
I’m just a word accessor

You inhale deeper, your heart beats faster
I’m just a word obsessor

Your body curves up, your nipples get stiffer
I’m just a word undresser

Your fervor turns hotter, braver and eager
I’m just a word suppressor

You bring down my face, slide in your licker
I’m just a word caresser

You pump up the ardor, welcome the insider
I’m just a bad transgressor

You move like a wave, sway like a dancer
I’m an evil aggressor

You turn on the juicer, trigger the shooter
I’m an altered oh-yes-sir!

You transform the waster, give birth to a maker
I’m a new Life Expresser