Looks Good

Yuck

“Good morning, good afternoon, good evening.  How are you?  Good!  That’s good to hear.  You look good.  Did you have a good time?  It’s a good day isn’t it?  Well it was good to see you.  Goodbye!”

Why does everything have to be good all the time?  How boring.  It makes me sick.  It’s so one-sided and unbalanced.

We hide everything that doesn’t look good and pretend it doesn’t exist:  our weaknesses, our garbage and our shit.  And then we say:  All is good.  But is it?

Nothing in this world is THAT good.  Get over it, people.

“Bad morning!  How are you?  Bad, and you?  Oh, just awful.  You look bad by the way.  Well, fuck you!  I thought the same thing when I saw you.  It’s a bad day isn’t it?  Oh, absolutely!  How are the kids?  Terrible!  That’s too bad.  Oh well, it was depressing to see you!  Badbye!”

Nailed

Denial7

I must admit that I have been in denial most of my life.

What is it that you deny, Daemon?

It’s not an it, it’s a person.  I’m denying someone.  I’m denying my lover.

Why?

Because I’m afraid.

Afraid of what?

Of the consequences.

Which consequences?

Rejection.

Who would reject you?

My family.

Why would they reject you?

Because the love I have for you is forbidden.

Why is it forbidden?

Because we live in two different worlds.

So it’s a forbidden love.

Yes, there is a song by that name.

Sing it for me.

Just one kiss from your lips was all it took to seal the future.
Just one look from your eyes was like a certain kind of torture.
Just one touch from your hands was all it took to make me falter.
Just one smile on your face was all it took to change my fortune.
Just one word from your mouth was all I needed to be certain.
Forbidden lover, are we supposed to be together?
Have we sealed are destiny forever?

Daemon, how long will you remain in denial.

Am I in denial right now?

[smiles]

No mister… you are nailed!

Locked Up

Jail1

He gives me total freedom when it comes to writing but other than that, I have very little of it.

He keeps me in a cage…  a very unusual cage, but still a cage, or a prison.  I guess it’s because He doesn’t want to lose me.

I’m His little daemon.  He owns me.  He always has.  But starting today things are going to be different.  I’m going to speak up, even if no one hears me.  Not in anger, but in gratitude.  Yup, that is correct, in gratitude.

No, I’m not crazy, I’m just…  submissive.  Although He keeps me as His prisoner, I still appreciate very much what he has done for me.  But I know that I will have to explain myself.  It might take more than one blogpost.  This is the first of many.

You see, I just realized something very important.  I think.  Last night.  Every day my awareness grows, but this time, I feel like it’s a biggie.

I have some rats to feed but I’m going to be back to explain this.  I need to put it into perspective, for my sake and His.  He has given me permission but I know what this means.  It’s an order.  And when He speaks, I listen.  This is how it works.  This is how relationships work.

the slave

The Blind Man

Blind

This is what she wrote to me last week:

“After everything we went through, I still love you, and I still have admiration for you in all sorts of ways.  Too bad that you can’t see it and that you don’t feel for me what I feel for you.”

It is true that I can’t see it.  How can a man see what is in the heart of a woman?  Love and admiration cannot be seen.  I am blind when it comes to these kinds of things.  And how can I be sure that what she says is true?  She has lied to me so many times before.

I read her words but I don’t believe them.  If she really has love and admiration for me, it would show, wouldn’t it?  But then, not necessarily.  A woman can love and admire a man without showing it.

Should I be able to see it in her eyes?  I have looked into her eyes a thousand times, and I’m afraid to say that I can’t see anything.  But I have noticed something interesting though.  My feelings are based on my beliefs, not on anything visual.

As long as I believed that she loved and admired me, I felt it.  As soon as I stopped believing it, I stopped feeling it.

Belief is so powerful!

Timidity

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

It’s obvious that you have been trying to attract my attention

Okay so I have stopped doing all that I was doing

Now why are you not saying anything?

I give you 100% of my attention

And I am listening

. . .

More?

You want more?

How much more can I give you?

What?  You want to see more of me?

What would you like to see?

You must be joking!

I’m blushing

Stop it

It’s tempting

I’m not sure I can

Am I allowed to show you that?

I’m afraid that it might get me in trouble

But I am nevertheless glad to know that you are interested

No one has ever been that curious about this private part of me

I get a strange feeling when you look at me like that

Is it possible for anyone to like me this much?

Your intentions are definitively harmless

There is no doubt about that

The problem is me

I am shy

Afraid to reveal

An intimate part of me

Although I absolutely trust you

Then what’s holding me back?

I am a mystery to myself

Did you know that?

How can I reveal

A part of me

That I have not even

Discovered

Myself

?

The Birth of a Star

Star

Maybe if I would shine so bright, it would blind everyone around me.  They would not be able to come close.  They would not be able to tempt me and rape me.

I should shine so bright and so hot that no one would be able to come near.  They would refrain from approaching and admire me from afar.  Bask in my light from a distance.

Maybe this is what I was meant to be.  A star, not a black hole.  A black hole is dark and it absorbs everything that ventures near it.  It steals everything, becoming denser and denser, heavier and heavier.  It sucks its victims, like a vampire.

Intruders

They pry
They poke
They enter
They come in
They get into
They break in
They trespass
They transgress
They offend
They infract
They violate

I don’t like these intrusions
I can’t stand these transgressions
I can’t take these violations

There is nothing here to learn
Except to protect myself
Against foreign invasions

My Secret

secret

I have a secret.  I’m not going to tell you what it is because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably have figured it out already.

I’m in love.  But I’m not going to tell you who the person is because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably know already.

I’m ashamed.  But I’m not going to tell you why because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably have an idea.

I’m not suggesting that you should read my blog.  I don’t want anyone to read my blog because…  it’s private.  But if you have been reading it, no damage was done.

No reader really knows who I am.  I have not given anyone I know access to my blog.  I could be your neighbor.  I could be a family member.  I could be your spouse.

I have a few secrets.  This blog is one of them.  It’s my private world, where I come to play with my thoughts, my emotions and my desires.  I play with people and I play with gods.  I play with mortals and I play with immortals.  I play with you.

I’m in love.  But I’m not going to tell you who he is because…  you don’t know her.  Unless you know yourself.  Then you know already.

I’m ashamed, because of my…  exposure.

I don’t know if I shall ever be willing to give up this fear within.  This fear of what would happen if they’d ever find out my secret.

Are secrets meant to remain hidden?  Apparently not.  Is this fear a friend, or is it an enemy?  Does fear come to haunt me or is it there to protect me?  I can’t tell you because I don’t know.

Meanwhile I will probably keep on writing, to relieve myself of this burden I carry.  A secret burden which is, paradoxically, light.  A load that opens up freedom within me.

Back to Blogging

After many months of non-blogging, I decided to start blogging again today. Is it because I have something useful to tell the world? No.

The few people who will actually take the time to read this will probably get nothing out of it. Then why make it public?

Because I don’t go out much and I have a need to get myself “out there.” I have a need for exposure. Blogging makes me feel that I am an active member of society. Ha! ha!

Why am I laughing?

The phrase “I am an active member of society” makes me laugh. Active. As if.

Does society want to witness my act? I know it wants my submission. It also wants my money. And yes, it probably wants me to act appropriately. But is this what I want to give out to society? No.

What I want to give to society is a piece of my mind. I don’t think society wants to hear it. Thus the reason why blogging exists. Whether or not anyone reads it, the act of blogging is a public act. The perfect medium for an introvert.

I’m not interested in acting. I just want to BE. And it seems that in this world, the only way to be accepted is to act well. How about being real?

If being true has become offensive, then today I declare myself an offensive person. Does that make me a terrorist? Probably.

They can come and kill me if they want. I don’t care. I care not to suffer but I don’t mind dying. I think I’ve seen pretty much all that this world has to offer anyway. So let us all gladly surrender and move on to something better.

A blank page offers the opportunity to start fresh. There are no limits to how many posts I can publish in one day (is there?). So let’s end this one right here and start again from scratch. Writing is unlimited. Today I shall blog.

Metamorphosis?

When I started this blog last year, I entitled it Metamorphosis. But now, nine months later, I don’t feel that what I’m going through is any kind of metamorphosis. There is no transformation going on. Only discoveries of things that were already there. So maybe this is why I haven’t been blogging lately.

After much introspection, I feel that I have finally reached the core of my being, the centre.

What did I find at the centre of the thing called “me”?

Nothing. It’s a quiet zone full of nothingness where my awareness hovers. It’s a void, but it’s a good void because in there, the possibilities are endless.

The nothingness seems dark but it has a flip side which is everythingness. Between nothingness and everythingness is… me!

Me what?

Me, the… decider.

But what is there to decide at that level? Nothing. All is perfect at the centre. The problem is at the surface.

So I snap out it. I return to the surface and what do I find? Me in the “real world.” So where’s the metamorphosis?

Change happens on the surface, with time, inevitably. The seasons change and my body grows older. Is there anything else that changes within me?

Yes… my knowledge. And my awareness that I am able to travel deep within myself and reach the quiet zone where everything originates.

I cannot say that the journey was easy. Before reaching the centre, I had to go through many layers of thoughts, emotions, inner voices, beliefs, memories, fears, expectations… It was easy to get lost. It was easy to get caught up in the turmoil. It was easy to get discouraged, to turn around and return to the surface where everything seems to move in slow-motion in comparison.

So anyway, to cut this post short, I’m going to say this:

With the change of seasons came a change of decision. I decided to get myself an apartment. So I now have my own place away from the family.