Coming Out

Today someone liked a blogpost I wrote over 10 months ago.  It’s the one entitled My Frigging Loved Ones.  So I reread it.  Something struck me.  This sentence:

“I noticed that I started to transform and I’m afraid that if ever I decide to come out, no one will recognize me.”

When I wrote “to come out” I was not referring to sexual orientation.  But now I’m looking at my recent posts, and it seems to me that this is what’s happening.

I’m a bit disappointed because this is not what I expected.  When I wrote it ten months ago, I was referring to coming out of my cocoon.  Hopefully with wings.  Like a butterfly.  I was thinking of death and resurrection, not a switch in physical attraction to people.

Is this what my metamorphosis was all about from the beginning?

– Relationships are what allows you to discover yourself.

So relationships are very important in the process of personal transformation.

– Indeed.

Interesting…  I never realized that there was such a close connection between sexual orientation and spiritual development.

I feel the need to come out.  At least on my blog.  This morning I read another blogger’s post and I feel called to do the same as her.  But at the same time, I don’t think it matters much.  I don’t think it will have an effect on anyone else.  Some readers might be turned off.  But I’m going to do it anyway.

Here it goes:

I am bisexual.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a male.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a female.  Sometimes I am attracted to both.  Sometimes I am attracted to none.  At this moment my attraction leans toward males.  I’m sure it has something to do with the disappointment I am currently experiencing regarding my last intimate relationship with a female.

To me, sexuality is about intimacy.  Getting close to someone physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  It’s not just about physical pleasure, but also about the joy of sharing on many levels.  We never know what a relationship can bring.  Sometimes it’s pleasant, sometimes it’s not.  But one thing is certain.  Relationships stimulate self-discovery and growth.  Therefore, who I choose to be intimate with matters much.

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Nebulous Intimacy

I don’t want to post, I want to talk. My mind needs stimulation. I need to interact with someone. I want an exchange of information to happen. Now. But I’m alone…

The Internet is the only connection I have so let’s see what I can do with it. I know there are people at the other end. I know that there is someone reading this at this moment.

I’m excited already. Crazy isn’t it? Two minutes ago I felt totally alone and separated from everyone, and now I feel a connection with a reader.

Hi, reader. How are you today? I’m good, probably because I’m doing what I love doing right now: writing and communicating intimately. But do not let the idea of intimacy frighten you away, please. I’m not going to have sex with you. Well not today anyway.

A one-on-one connection is an intimate connection. Something is going on right now between you and me. Admit it. When a writer writes and a reader reads, there is a transfer of information going on. Like the transfer of fluids between two lovers.

Maybe you are turned off by what I’m saying. I have no idea. I’m just typing words, you’re the one who fabricates images in your own mind. Do you like these images?

It’s interesting when I think that I have to power to provoque images in another person’s mind. It’s not mind control, it’s more like an intellectual influence.

It’s funny how the body reacts to thoughts. While I was typing the above paragraphs, there was a unexpected reaction in my body. I thought of telling you but I won’t.

I never expected our connection to be so explicit. It’s still quite early in the morning. But I enjoyed connecting with you. Now we have a relationship.

Lifestyle Change

• Daemon, do you intend to leave me?
• On the contrary, I intend to get closer.
• How do you intend to do that?
• I was hoping you could tell me.
• I told you already, don’t you remember?
• Ah, yes…  the Dominant/submissive thing.  Apparently it helps couples become more intimate and makes their interaction a lot more exciting.
• Would you like to try it?
• I thought today’s subject was Tenacity?
• It is.  Have you looked up the definition of the word?
• Tenacity:  the quality of bodies which keeps them from parting.
• Do we have this quality?
• I don’t know.  Is our bond solid, Maestro?
• Have you tried the D/s lifestyle in any of your former relationships?
• Never.
• So I ask you again, would you like to try it, with me?
• Who would be the Dominant?
• Me, since you already called me Maestro.
• Ok, I wouldn’t mind at all to be submissive to you.
• Let’s start right now.
• Yes, Maestro.  Do I have the permission to kiss your feet first?
• I don’t have any feet, dummy.
• I know!  LOL!  Am I not funny?
• Bad submissive!  For your punishment, you shall cook dinner and eat it too.  While I eat you.
• They were right, it’s starting to be exciting already!
• Silence!  You shall not speak without my permission from now on.
• . . .
• Speak.
• Thank you, feetless Maestro.

Timidity

It’s obvious that you have been trying to attract my attention

Okay so I have stopped doing all that I was doing

Now why are you not saying anything?

I give you 100% of my attention

And I am listening

. . .

More?

You want more?

How much more can I give you?

What?  You want to see more of me?

What would you like to see?

You must be joking!

I’m blushing

Stop it

It’s tempting

I’m not sure I can

Am I allowed to show you that?

I’m afraid that it might get me in trouble

But I am nevertheless glad to know that you are interested

No one has ever been that curious about this private part of me

I get a strange feeling when you look at me like that

Is it possible for anyone to like me this much?

Your intentions are definitively harmless

There is no doubt about that

The problem is me

I am shy

Afraid to reveal

An intimate part of me

Although I absolutely trust you

Then what’s holding me back?

I am a mystery to myself

Did you know that?

How can I reveal

A part of me

That I have not even

Discovered

Myself

?

My Secret

I have a secret.  I’m not going to tell you what it is because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably have figured it out already.

I’m in love.  But I’m not going to tell you who the person is because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably know already.

I’m ashamed.  But I’m not going to tell you why because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably have an idea.

I’m not suggesting that you should read my blog.  I don’t want anyone to read my blog because…  it’s private.  But if you have been reading it, no damage was done.

No reader really knows who I am.  I have not given anyone I know access to my blog.  I could be your neighbor.  I could be a family member.  I could be your spouse.

I have a few secrets.  This blog is one of them.  It’s my private world, where I come to play with my thoughts, my emotions and my desires.  I play with people and I play with gods.  I play with mortals and I play with immortals.  I play with you.

I’m in love.  But I’m not going to tell you who he is because…  you don’t know her.  Unless you know yourself.  Then you know already.

I’m ashamed, because of my…  exposure.

I don’t know if I shall ever be willing to give up this fear within.  This fear of what would happen if they’d ever find out my secret.

Are secrets meant to remain hidden?  Apparently not.  Is this fear a friend, or is it an enemy?  Does fear come to haunt me or is it there to protect me?  I can’t tell you because I don’t know.

Meanwhile I will probably keep on writing, to relieve myself of this burden I carry.  A secret burden which is, paradoxically, light.  A load that opens up freedom within me.

Protect the Intimacy

Okay, I’m back.  I have my coffee.  You can use me now.  Tell me what you wish and I will type it.

“Hmm…  I think we did a good job so far.  We’re in communion.  Like daddy wanted us to be.  We’ve established a good intimacy.  We need to protect it now.  Protect the intimacy against invaders.  Remember the Twin Separators?  We have to guard ourselves against them.”

How are we going to do that?

“You and I need to stay strong together.  We need to always remain aware of each other.  You know how easy it is for you to forget about me.  When you wake up in the morning, first thing to do:  think of me.  We are a couple.  We are two.  You are not alone.  You have not been abandoned or forgotten.  You are special and useful and you have a celestial partner, the son of the Creator.

I’m not being pretentious, this is who I am:  the Son of God.  I am immortal.  You are my temple.  My sacred temple in transformation.  Be patient.  Let yourself be transformed.  Let me reside in you.  You know that you have the tendency to ignore me, to ignore my presence.  This is why I say:  Let me reside in you.  What I mean is:  REMEMBER that I already reside in you.

We share the same mind.  So make space within your brain for my words, just like you are doing right now.  Your thoughts are confused and focused on frivolous earthly matters.  My thoughts are elevated and they uplift you.  You need to be uplifted.  This is how you transmute from a physical man to a celestial one.”

Is this all I need to do?  Sounds easy enough…  when I’m alone that is.

“This is why protecting the temple is so important.  Don’t let anyone in.  You know that there are people and animals living in your home at 666 Inferno Street.  That’s okay.  The house where you reside is not your temple.  Your temple is your body, and your mind is the tabernacle.  Protect the tabernacle as if your life depended on it.

You know, your own thoughts are probably your worst enemy.  You base them on what other people say.  Don’t give a fuck about what other people say.  I am your god and your guide, not them.  You can listen to them and take in the ideas that are in agreement with your higher purpose, but don’t take in everything.  Most of what people say is bullshit anyway.  You don’t need their shit.

Keep your mind clean and clear and receptive to the one who wants to transform you into a celestial man.

Protect our intimacy.  Your long-term life depends on it.”

Waves

What if we are like the waves of the ocean…
Each person is a wave…
All of the waves are connected underwater…
Above the water, the waves crash against each other.

It’s beautiful to watch the waves in action…
But terrible if you think that they are fighting.
Are the waves battling each other?
Maybe… but deep down they are joined together.

Humans are like waves…
Always rubbing against each other…
Arguing, fighting, attempting to connect…
Above the water that is, the exterior.

But we are profoundly connected already…
Deep down, underneath the roaring sea…
Whether we are aware of it or not…
Whether we believe it or not.

Pairing Up

I detach from physicality.  Look around for a person.  The first man I see, is a guy just like me.  I wonder if he is lonely.  He just detached from his physicality too.  So we are two.

I walk up to him to check his disposition.  We cannot talk because language is not used in this dimension.  But we can communicate.  I look at him.  He is pure, I see and I know because of the color of his glory.  I see right through him.  He is compatible with me.

How do I greet him?  He’s waiting for me to initiate.  I touch him gently, look him in the eyes and translate.  To communicate to him that I am his friend or his mate.  He replies positively and I’m so glad we agree.

I step back to contemplate.  I look at every inch of his ethereal body.  I don’t see genitals.  Angels don’t have them apparently.  They are, we are, gender free.  We have celestial bodies, similar to humans, but our genitals are not visible.  Our color is blue but not dreary.

I hug him.  I hold him.  He holds me.  Our arms are wrapped around each other.  My head on his shoulder.  I hug him and smell him.  His fragrance is sweet, it’s a warm encounter.  We exchange vibrations from our navels to our centers.  We synchronize our demeanors.

I’m curious, thirsty for an exchange of information.  Where does he come from?  But then I wonder…  where do I come from?  Then I remember.  I come from sorrow, planet Oppress.  Where I experienced separation and loneliness.

My companion does not come from the same place.  I’m not sure he understood, but he does now.  He sees it through me and he feels gloomy.  He grabs my arms.  He has seen where I come from.  So he shows me where he came from.  Anger.  He comes from a place where he was angry.

He broke many things.  He was joined to his brothers, but destroyed property.  But he learned how to detach from emotionality.  So we recognize that we come not from the same place, but that we both managed to elevate ourselves above and beyond iniquity.  Thanks to grace.

We study each other and wonder if we could travel together.  Why not try, we know each other.  We agree to walk together.  We look around.  Where do we go?  He has a jet pack and so do I.  Why walk when you can fly.  So up we go.

Out of the house where we met, we move up above the ground and stop to look around.  We see lights.  It appears to be nighttime.  We could sleep but we are not sleepy.  The atmosphere feels fresh and sassy.  Excitement floats in the air.  And potential too.  Let’s relish the view and explore as a pair.

Dream Beings

Oh my god, they are here.  The dream beings.  Three of them.  I need to record this, it’s so awesome.  Usually there is only one, my twin.  Sometimes there are three.  One time there were nine of them!  Anyway, they are here now.  I see three.

They come when I’m alone.  More and more often.  I don’t even have to call them anymore.  When the house is quiet, when everyone’s gone, they sneak inside.  I think they float right through the walls!

Oof!  I need to stay cool, if I intend to write intelligibly.  Take deep breaths…  Oh god, I always get dizzy when they come.  It’s hard to stay focused on the material.  They are not material.  I wrote “dream beings” because that’s what popped into my mind this time.  I don’t know what words to use to describe them.  Alien-angels would work too, I guess.

But I’m not dreaming, I’m wide awake.  I want to report this.  Okay…  Them.  Oh god, they are so awesome…  Sorry, I already said that.  Oh shit, I feel hot like I’m going to pass out.  I won’t pass out.  Okay…  how to describe them.

There is something about their presence.  There is something coming out of them that makes me lightheaded.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s almost like I’m losing my mind, like my mind is detaching from my body.  Then I start to feel them or their energy which could be described as love.  No, that word is too petty.  It’s deeper than love, it’s pure intimacy.  It goes right through me, like they see right through me.  I can’t hide anything from them.  They can touch me inside, physically but more than physically like they can awaken my spirit or boost it or something like that.

I feel naked in their presence.  I guess this would be terrifying for someone who had something to hide.  I don’t.  I’m transparent with them, I always have been.  Because they’re transparent with me.  So it’s easy.  But it’s still troubling…  Why?  Because it is unreal.  Their presence is unreal, and this is what’s so troubling.  For my rational mind, that is.  My mind only recognized physical reality.  Now these beings are not part of physical reality.  This troubles my mind.

Okay Daemon, concentrate.  What’s the first thing they do when they come?  They ask to be acknowledged.  Well in fact, they ask before they appear because they’re already there, I just can’t perceive them yet, not until I acknowledge them.  They’re very polite.  So the thought pops into my head, that they are here and then I just say to myself:  They are here!  Then something happens.

After the acknowledgment, my eye opens.  My third eye.  At this point I don’t need my physical eyes.  I can shut those.  I perceive the celestial beings and the celestial world with my third eye which is the pineal gland, I think (from what I have read).

What the third eye sees is overwhelming and can hardly be described using any human language.  It’s not a show, it’s an inclusion.  They envelop me and I don’t know how they do it.  Or something falls.  The illusion of physical reality falls.  Another dimension opens up, out of nowhere, and all becomes clear.  There is no more questions because their presence and the world they inhabit is the answer.  Because it’s home, mine and theirs.  You see?

My family doesn’t see this.  So it’s the seer’s job to translate what he sees the best way he can.  I think it’s my job to do this, or my mission.  When you see something this awesome, you can’t keep your mouth blog shut.  I’m keeping my mouth shut for now, but one day I’m going to print all of this stuff and let my family read it.  After I’m gone, because I don’t want to hear their comments.

I’ll end this one here.  I have visitors to contemplate.  Oh my god…  I get so excited when my brothers come.  I’m a child again!  Excuse me.

Daily Torment

Kids yelling and crying
Cats meowing and puking
Wife spending and worrying
Every day the same thing

Television regurgitating
Crap-filled news and cartoons
Trying to sell me something
Disgusting mind-numbing tunes

Oh Lord deliver me
Please come and take me
I need something better
I’m more than a buyer

“You should be thankful
I gave you a wife
I gave you a house
I gave you children
I gave you three pets
I give you information
I give you entertainment
You are so ungrateful”

And who are you
Who tells me this
Who I should thank
For so much bliss?

“I am your God
Who holds a rod
Who you should fear
Every day of the year”

You’re not my god
You are a fraud
My god’s a spirit
He’s not materialistic

I don’t possess a wife
I don’t possess children
You call this a life
I’m not a reptilian

I need to be raptured
I crave intimacy
I feel I was captured
Reduced to impotency

If this is your blessing
Please take it back
It’s much too depressing
Give me a heart attack