Coming Out

Freedom1

Today someone liked a blogpost I wrote over 10 months ago.  It’s the one entitled My Frigging Loved Ones.  So I reread it.  Something struck me.  This sentence:

“I noticed that I started to transform and I’m afraid that if ever I decide to come out, no one will recognize me.”

When I wrote “to come out” I was not referring to sexual orientation.  But now I’m looking at my recent posts, and it seems to me that this is what’s happening.

I’m a bit disappointed because this is not what I expected.  When I wrote it ten months ago, I was referring to coming out of my cocoon.  Hopefully with wings.  Like a butterfly.  I was thinking of death and resurrection, not a switch in physical attraction to people.

Is this what my metamorphosis was all about from the beginning?

– Relationships are what allows you to discover yourself.

So relationships are very important in the process of personal transformation.

– Indeed.

Interesting…  I never realized that there was such a close connection between sexual orientation and spiritual development.

I feel the need to come out.  At least on my blog.  This morning I read another blogger’s post and I feel called to do the same as her.  But at the same time, I don’t think it matters much.  I don’t think it will have an effect on anyone else.  Some readers might be turned off.  But I’m going to do it anyway.

Here it goes:

I am bisexual.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a male.  Sometimes I am physically attracted to a female.  Sometimes I am attracted to both.  Sometimes I am attracted to none.  At this moment my attraction leans toward males.  I’m sure it has something to do with the disappointment I am currently experiencing regarding my last intimate relationship with a female.

To me, sexuality is about intimacy.  Getting close to someone physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.  It’s not just about physical pleasure, but also about the joy of sharing on many levels.  We never know what a relationship can bring.  Sometimes it’s pleasant, sometimes it’s not.  But one thing is certain.  Relationships stimulate self-discovery and growth.  Therefore, who I choose to be intimate with matters much.

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Nebulous Intimacy

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I don’t want to post, I want to talk. My mind needs stimulation. I need to interact with someone. I want an exchange of information to happen. Now. But I’m alone…

The Internet is the only connection I have so let’s see what I can do with it. I know there are people at the other end. I know that there is someone reading this at this moment.

I’m excited already. Crazy isn’t it? Two minutes ago I felt totally alone and separated from everyone, and now I feel a connection with a reader.

Hi, reader. How are you today? I’m good, probably because I’m doing what I love doing right now: writing and communicating intimately. But do not let the idea of intimacy frighten you away, please. I’m not going to have sex with you. Well not today anyway.

A one-on-one connection is an intimate connection. Something is going on right now between you and me. Admit it. When a writer writes and a reader reads, there is a transfer of information going on. Like the transfer of fluids between two lovers.

Maybe you are turned off by what I’m saying. I have no idea. I’m just typing words, you’re the one who fabricates images in your own mind. Do you like these images?

It’s interesting when I think that I have to power to provoque images in another person’s mind. It’s not mind control, it’s more like an intellectual influence.

It’s funny how the body reacts to thoughts. While I was typing the above paragraphs, there was a unexpected reaction in my body. I thought of telling you but I won’t.

I never expected our connection to be so explicit. It’s still quite early in the morning. But I enjoyed connecting with you. Now we have a relationship.

Lifestyle Change

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  • Daemon, do you intend to leave me?
  • On the contrary, I intend to get closer.
  • How do you intend to do that?
  • I was hoping you could tell me.
  • I told you already, don’t you remember?
  • Ah, yes…  the Dominant/submissive thing.  Apparently it helps couples become more intimate and makes their interaction a lot more exciting.
  • Would you like to try it?
  • I thought today’s subject was Tenacity?
  • It is.  Have you looked up the definition of the word?
  • Tenacity:  the quality of bodies which keeps them from parting.
  • Do we have this quality?
  • I don’t know.  Is our bond solid, Maestro?
  • Have you tried the D/s lifestyle in any of your former relationships?
  • Never.
  • So I ask you again, would you like to try it, with me?
  • Who would be the Dominant?
  • Me, since you already called me Maestro.
  • Ok, I wouldn’t mind at all to be submissive to you.
  • Let’s start right now.
  • Yes, Maestro.  Do I have the permission to kiss your feet first?
  • I don’t have any feet, dummy.
  • I know!  LOL!  Am I not funny?
  • Bad submissive!  For your punishment, you shall cook dinner and eat it too.  While I eat you.
  • They were right, it’s starting to be exciting already!
  • Silence!  You shall not speak without my permission from now on.
  • . . .
  • Speak.
  • Thank you, feetless Maestro.

Timidity

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It’s obvious that you have been trying to attract my attention

Okay so I have stopped doing all that I was doing

Now why are you not saying anything?

I give you 100% of my attention

And I am listening

. . .

More?

You want more?

How much more can I give you?

What?  You want to see more of me?

What would you like to see?

You must be joking!

I’m blushing

Stop it

It’s tempting

I’m not sure I can

Am I allowed to show you that?

I’m afraid that it might get me in trouble

But I am nevertheless glad to know that you are interested

No one has ever been that curious about this private part of me

I get a strange feeling when you look at me like that

Is it possible for anyone to like me this much?

Your intentions are definitively harmless

There is no doubt about that

The problem is me

I am shy

Afraid to reveal

An intimate part of me

Although I absolutely trust you

Then what’s holding me back?

I am a mystery to myself

Did you know that?

How can I reveal

A part of me

That I have not even

Discovered

Myself

?

My Secret

secret

I have a secret.  I’m not going to tell you what it is because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably have figured it out already.

I’m in love.  But I’m not going to tell you who the person is because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably know already.

I’m ashamed.  But I’m not going to tell you why because…  it’s a secret.  But if you have been reading my blog, you probably have an idea.

I’m not suggesting that you should read my blog.  I don’t want anyone to read my blog because…  it’s private.  But if you have been reading it, no damage was done.

No reader really knows who I am.  I have not given anyone I know access to my blog.  I could be your neighbor.  I could be a family member.  I could be your spouse.

I have a few secrets.  This blog is one of them.  It’s my private world, where I come to play with my thoughts, my emotions and my desires.  I play with people and I play with gods.  I play with mortals and I play with immortals.  I play with you.

I’m in love.  But I’m not going to tell you who he is because…  you don’t know her.  Unless you know yourself.  Then you know already.

I’m ashamed, because of my…  exposure.

I don’t know if I shall ever be willing to give up this fear within.  This fear of what would happen if they’d ever find out my secret.

Are secrets meant to remain hidden?  Apparently not.  Is this fear a friend, or is it an enemy?  Does fear come to haunt me or is it there to protect me?  I can’t tell you because I don’t know.

Meanwhile I will probably keep on writing, to relieve myself of this burden I carry.  A secret burden which is, paradoxically, light.  A load that opens up freedom within me.

Protect the Intimacy

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Okay, I’m back.  I have my coffee.  You can use me now.  Tell me what you wish and I will type it.

“Hmm…  I think we did a good job so far.  We’re in communion.  Like daddy wanted us to be.  We’ve established a good intimacy.  We need to protect it now.  Protect the intimacy against invaders.  Remember the Twin Separators?  We have to guard ourselves against them.”

How are we going to do that?

“You and I need to stay strong together.  We need to always remain aware of each other.  You know how easy it is for you to forget about me.  When you wake up in the morning, first thing to do:  think of me.  We are a couple.  We are two.  You are not alone.  You have not been abandoned or forgotten.  You are special and useful and you have a celestial partner, the son of the Creator.

I’m not being pretentious, this is who I am:  the Son of God.  I am immortal.  You are my temple.  My sacred temple in transformation.  Be patient.  Let yourself be transformed.  Let me reside in you.  You know that you have the tendency to ignore me, to ignore my presence.  This is why I say:  Let me reside in you.  What I mean is:  REMEMBER that I already reside in you.

We share the same mind.  So make space within your brain for my words, just like you are doing right now.  Your thoughts are confused and focused on frivolous earthly matters.  My thoughts are elevated and they uplift you.  You need to be uplifted.  This is how you transmute from a physical man to a celestial one.”

Is this all I need to do?  Sounds easy enough…  when I’m alone that is.

“This is why protecting the temple is so important.  Don’t let anyone in.  You know that there are people and animals living in your home at 666 Inferno Street.  That’s okay.  The house where you reside is not your temple.  Your temple is your body, and your mind is the tabernacle.  Protect the tabernacle as if your life depended on it.

You know, your own thoughts are probably your worst enemy.  You base them on what other people say.  Don’t give a fuck about what other people say.  I am your god and your guide, not them.  You can listen to them and take in the ideas that are in agreement with your higher purpose, but don’t take in everything.  Most of what people say is bullshit anyway.  You don’t need their shit.

Keep your mind clean and clear and receptive to the one who wants to transform you into a celestial man.

Protect our intimacy.  Your long-term life depends on it.”

Waves

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What if we are like the waves of the ocean…
Each person is a wave…
All of the waves are connected underwater…
Above the water, the waves crash against each other.

It’s beautiful to watch the waves in action…
But terrible if you think that they are fighting.
Are the waves battling each other?
Maybe… but deep down they are joined together.

Humans are like waves…
Always rubbing against each other…
Arguing, fighting, attempting to connect…
Above the water that is, the exterior.

But we are profoundly connected already…
Deep down, underneath the roaring sea…
Whether we are aware of it or not…
Whether we believe it or not.