Here I am, hanging upside down, waiting.
I have all the time in world to think now.
While I listen to them:
“What are you doing up there, alone and silent? Come back down! We miss you, we love you, we worry about you. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s dangerous and crazy. It won’t end well. Listen to us, people like you need professional help.”
I think to myself: No, I can’t go back down there! I would rather kill myself than return to my old ways. Besides, it’s too late already. I cannot undo what nature has done to me. Oh yeah, sure, I could break out of this cage, but I would fall and hurt myself badly.
I chose to listen to my inner voice who said that I should walk away from the crowd, climb this tree and hang myself by my feet. Then wrap myself up and wait it out, while I watch the upside-down world which looks like a horror movie to me.
I don’t see clearly for some reason. My vision is blurred but I have these fantasies of flying! I know it sounds absurd but I can’t help it. The voice in my heart speaks louder than the one of my peers who choose to continue to crawl in the dirt.
But my life is shit, I must admit. I’m not having any fun at all. Sometimes I feel like I’m disintegrating. I have dizzy spells, I get anxious like never before, and worst of all, I am depressed 95% of the time. The only thing that sustains me are my fantasies which I know are illogical and unreal, but… I must hang on.
“You are an earth-man! You were meant to live and to love the earth!”
“No, you are a sky-man, meant to detach from the earth to become a light being.”
They are both right. This is what is confusing. I am two things. Two different persons now, caught between two very different worlds. I am a hybrid! But can the two survive together, in one body, indefinitely? One of the two must die. Which one will it be? Who do I identify with?
I think that the wise thing to do is to stay where I am and listen to the inner voice who tells me to be patient, and to let the transformation occur. But I admit, most of time I feel like there is no change happening at all, or that I’m turning into an evil creature.
Them: “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Me: “I’m metamorphosing and maybe you should too!”
But I can’t explain. They have no clue.