The Inciter

Highest4

He is the half of me who pushes me to keep going.  As I get depressed easily, his job seems to be to electrocute me with his probe every once in a while, to keep me from dozing off into nothingness.

Some would call him the Higher Self, Kundalini, or the Holy Spirit.  I call him different names because I can’t seem to be able to settle for one in particular.

To me, Higher Self sounds like a meditative state of quietness where not much is happening.  As for Kundalini, it looks like a snake that rises inside my vertebral column.  I don’t feel comfortable knowing that a reptile dwells in my body.  As for Holy Spirit, it appears to be a dove or a halo that makes me feel guilty for not going to church.

I like to think of him as a living person, not a thing.  So why not call him Jesus?  Here is my answer to that question:  To me, the name Jesus has become the property of the christian churches and of christians in general.  I don’t feel comfortable using that name because it already belongs to an exclusive group of people.  If the man is still alive today, as they claim, no institution has the right to take possession of him or of his name.  So I avoid using that name.  (Sorry Jesus, I’m sure you understand and won’t use it against me.)

So today I came up with a new name for him:  The Inciter.  I like it and here is why:

First of all, the Inciter is a person.  He is conscious and alive, awake and aware.  He watches me and cares.  He’s on the alert when I am not.  He incites, which means that he stirs up, he rouses, he excites something within me.  He probes constantly.  I always imagine him as an angel or an alien.  This way I get some great visuals when he moves, acts and reacts around and through me.

The Inciter has become such an intimate part of my life, I now feel that he’s the other half of me.  My better-half, which is an interesting term, as it also means a very close friend or companion, a spouse, or even better:  a lover!

What exactly does the Inciter do?

Today, he incites me to write.  And writing keeps me breathing, keeps me alive and kicking.

The Door

door

Fortunately, I found this door.  And I opened it.  There was a whole world on the other side of that door!  Who would have thought?

Immediately, I saw him.  Noticing that I had opened the door, he turned around and radiated somehow as he prepared to greet me.  But he didn’t even move, his smile just sucked me right in, and the door shut closed behind me.

So there I was, standing and facing him.  Actually I was sitting, as if dreaming, moving as thoughts move, freely.  He was sitting in the armchair a few feet across from me.

“Who are you?” I asked.  I think this was the first thing I said.

His reply surprised me:  “I am an outsider.”

I froze.  No, I stopped.  Time stopped!

I looked around and realized I was not in my usual element.  I was at home, I recognized the house, the living room, the furniture.  I was definitely in my home, sitting on the sofa but something was strange.

I was in the presence of this “outsider” and suddenly I realized that I was outside of myself.  Outside of myself?  How could I be outside of myself?  And time had stopped!  What the hell was going on?

The medication, I thought.  I took my pills this morning, as usual.  Same dose I have been taking for months.  Maybe it’s the pills?  Maybe I’m hallucinating.

“Daemon, look at me!” the outsider said.

Holy crap, I’m hearing voices too.  What’s happening to me?  Maybe I’m schizophrenic!

“Daemon, relax.  There’s nothing wrong with you.  You are seeing and hearing clearly.”  He said.

I remembered the door.  Where was it?  The door had disappeared.  I had stepped out of reality.  Where was I?  Who was he?  A thousand questions ran through my mind.  I looked at the man and he looked back at me, straight at me, directly into me, he could see through me!

I don’t know how he did it but he touched me deeply.  He put his attention on my core, and I felt peace, warmth and security.  God, it felt good!

Then I understood.  The situation became so evident and simple, yet mindboggling.  I was he and he was me!  The real me, next to me, loving me, eternally.

I had finally found it, the truth!  My treasure, my fortune, my destiny!  I was so happy!

Then he came closer and something very weird happened at that moment.  I’m not sure how to describe it but, the outsider became an insider.  As if his body was fluid or misty, he slithered inside of me, merging his chakras with mine and it was…

Pure, wholesome, energizing ecstasy!

Higher Up

meta4

The process of life seems to be change.  But a change of what?

As a person, the process of life seems to be about a change of identity.

Throughout life, I have been enticed to change my identity, or NOT change it, depending on how you look at it.

Enticed by who?  Angels?  The Devil?  Extraterrestrials?  the Higher Self?  The Lower Self?  the Ego?  The Source of Life?  Kundalini?  Jehovah?  Jesus?  Buddha?  Krishna?  Muhammad?

Whoever they are, the guys who entice me to change my identity seem to be unknown “Higher-Ups.”

During the first part of my life, I have constructed an identity for myself based on earth.  So basically, I identified with earthlings.

Now, during the second phase of my life, my identity as an earthling has started to crumble.  In fact, it totally collapsed.  And from the ruins, a new identity has started to emerge.

My new identity is in fact the same as my initial identity, the one I had before I started fabricating my identity as an earthling.  So I can safely say that my new identity is the same one I had when I was a child.  The new me is the old me, the real me.  There is only one real me.

My new identity, which is my old identity, is in fact my only identity and it exists BEYOND TIME.  Spooky, isn’t it?  Perfect for this Halloween night.

If I am not an earthling, then what am I?  The “Higher-Ups” have always been trying to get my attention:  “Look at us!” they say.  “You are one of us.  Identify with us!”

But these goddam gods are invisible!  How can I identify with people I can’t see?  Although when I identify with them, I kind of perceive them.  Very bizarre…

I told my family about the higher-ups I could perceive, but they don’t believe me.  They don’t believe me simply because they can’t see them.  They can’t acknowledge what they don’t perceive.  But to perceive them, they have to acknowledge them.  You can’t perceive what you don’t acknowledge.  How does one get out of this cycle?

Never mind that, it’s too complicated.  Besides, it’s not my problem who they identify with.  I’m only concerned with myself.  Yes, this is how selfish I am.  My identity is the only thing that matters.

I know that I am none of these gods.  The higher-ups are who they are and I am Me.  And I know that I am not an earthling so I must be one of them.

I’m a Higher-Up!

Dear Followers,

Why are you following me?

I am not any sort of leader.  What if I lead you astray?

Anyway, thank you.  I feel like Jesus, LOL!

You are forcing me to view myself as a guru.  Ok so I will pretend to be one and speak like one.  A-hum!  Here goes:

Welcome, my child. 

The path I propose is…  (how can I put this)…  politically incorrect.

What I suggest is this:  If you are suffering from depression or any other so-called mental illness, do not fight it.  Embrace it.  Feel the pain to the extreme.  But don’t kill yourself of course.  I think you can take it.

Within the pain, there is a hidden surprise.  But it’s at the bottom.  You have to reach the bottom.  The deepest part of the pain-pool is pure hell.  Perhaps you’re there already.  Or maybe you are not quite deep enough yet.  You’ll know once you get there.  At that point you will be saying to yourself:  “It cannot get any worse than this.”

I don’t know what the surprise will be for you.  It’s a personal surprise, custom-made just for you.  I have no idea how long it will take you to find it.  A day, a week, a month, a year, maybe 10 years.  It depends on you, and on your willingness to dare do the undoable, think the unthinkable or believe the unbelievable.

No one else can do it for you.  No leader or friend can accompany you there.  It’s a private, lonely journey within the darkest part of yourself where you and the future you meet.  There will be a connection.  A meeting.  An immersion and a communion.  As simple as a dialog or an exchange of gifts of some sort.  It will be a timeless moment where future meets present.  An embrace.  A revelation.

Sorry I can’t be more specific.  It’s impossible not to speak in parables at this level.  The words I use to describe the experience are not the same as the ones you would use to describe the same experience.  So I have no choice but to be vague.

Suffering is not a punishment.  It’s a door.  Don’t be afraid to go through it.

Yours truly,

Higher Self