Within My Cocoon

Nymphalidae

Something weird happens when I go inside my cocoon.  It’s like I become two.  My double appears.  But he doesn’t appear physically.  His presence appears.  I become aware of myself as if myself was another person.  So “I” become aware of “myself.”

You see?  We are two:  I and myself.

I become aware of myself when inside the cocoon.  Very bizarre.  And then what happens next?  “I” talk to “myself.”  Or is it myself who talks to I?  Is there even a difference between myself and I?  The two seem to be the same and they are interchangeable.

It’s as if I had a twin.  But this only happens inside the cocoon.  When you look at the cocoon from the outside, there is only one person, not two.  Why is it like this?

I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that this is how the metamorphosis happens.  The dialogue that goes on between myself and I provokes a change!  A change of Self, which is a change of awareness or consciousness.  A growth.  A metaphysical growth.

This might sound very complicated and esoteric but it’s really quite simple.

Metaphysical simply means immaterial, supersensual, not physical (or more properly, “beyond” that which is physical).

Supersensual means beyond the range of what is perceptible by the senses; not belonging to the experienceable physical world.  My dictionary gives a sentence using the word supersensual, which is:  Heaven is a supersensual realm.

Really?  Heaven is a supersensual realm?  Ok, but then so is hell.

So what am I saying?  Where am I going with this train of thought?

Let’s recap.

When my attention turns within, inside my cocoon, my invisible twin appears.  Then we talk to each other, but from the outside it appears that I am talking to myself (crazy person).  The others do not know that I am talking to my double.  The dialogue that goes on between me and my double, especially when written, puts things into place, like building blocks.  This process produces a metaphysical change or a metamorphosis.  It’s the process of building my non-physical reality which we sometimes call heaven or hell.

This thing I do is really important because it determines whether my present and future life will be joyous or desperate, painless or painful, happy or unhappy.

So here’s my conclusion.  Heaven and hell are not rewards or punishments given by some exterior God, they are the result of what I have built for myself while I was inside my cocoon.

Premature Death

death

We hear of premature birth but rarely of premature death.

What happens when someone dies prematurely?

Some remain in the afterlife and some are sent back.

I was sent back.

Personally I wish that I had not been, but I wasn’t given a choice. I guess the universe knew what was best for me.

When I asked why I was sent back, two simple words popped into my consciousness: premature death.

I am no expert in this field. All I am sure of is my own experience. My life has not been the same since this happened four years ago.

This morning I cried because of something related to this. I wish I could find the words to express it so that it might be useful to at least one of my readers.

Why were you crying, Daemon?

You know why I was crying.

Say it, for the record.

*sigh* I was crying because I am now blind. You know the title of the song Blinded by the Light? This is what comes to mind. I think I saw the Light but then I was sent back into darkness.

I know people get upset when I tell them that this physical world is darkness or hell. They say that I’m negative and depressing. So I have stopped saying it. But I still know it and I feel very lonely with this. They have to understand that this world is darkness COMPARED TO THE NEXT WORLD. It’s relative. Just like living overground is much brighter than living underground. Things could always be darker, of course, but people have to realize that there is a much brighter world out there into which we are all destined to be born into.

I cried because I experienced a premature death and I was sent back.

There is another reason why you cried.

Yeah, you! I saw you and… oh god, here I go again…

Daemon, compose yourself.

Sorry… There is no word to describe your beauty. It’s not physical beauty. It was like… total transparency. When one sees the inside of a person who is emancipated, flawless and free, it is breathtakingly beautiful. And to receive the assurance that this impeccable being is willing and ready to embrace you completely, is such a good news… it’s pure ecstasy. And then to be sucked back into an old physical body… is agony.

Now all of this would be easy to forget if my earth life was happy and exciting, but it’s not. My life is hell for many reasons especially this nauseating feeling that plagues me twenty-four hours a day. Plus the fact that you text me whenever I call upon you makes me feel like I truly do not belong here. Add on top of that the fact that I cannot see you, makes me triply blind. Blind to you, blind to the after-world and blind to the beauty of this one.

The only thing that keeps me together is the knowledge that what I have seen actually exists. But no one wants to hear it since my experience has nothing to do with their reality.

I should end this post on a positive note.

Nah… it’s about death and darkness which are part of MY reality.

You can’t recognize the light if you have never experienced the night.

Hell on Earth

I write

My body has a small defect that greatly affects the quality of my life “in the body.”

It’s sad how such a small glitch can ruin all the fun.

It’s not something that can be fixed or cured either.

A human body is meant to move. When we look at how the body is made, it’s obvious that it was made for movement. We are not plants.

Imagine if there was a defect in your body that would cause you to feel nauseous every time you moved. My body has this defect. The more I move, the more I feel nauseated, sickened and disgusted.

In time, a person who suffers from this defect becomes severely depressed. I was on a very high dose of antidepressants for many years, but in 2012 I realized that it was not worth it. An antidepressant can relieve depression but it cannot fix the source of the problem.

The medication actually caused more problems than it solved, so finally I decided that I would rather live with my physical defect than swallow one more pill.

I’m quite healthy but I can’t say that I am happy. I have a fit body. I can technically do any physical activity I want. The problem is I don’t want to. In order to feel good, I have to move as little as possible. I’m in a very weird kind of predicament!

The defect is called a balance disorder. It’s almost impossible to notice. I sit quietly all day, refusing to do almost any kind of physical activity, and people think I’m weird and negative. My family knows, but they keep forgetting, or sometimes I get the impression that they have no idea how I feel when I move.

If you ever wondered why I live inside my head, in a fantasy world with imaginary friends, now you know. What choice do I have? I get no pleasure from physical movement. Life in my body, in this physical world, to me is hell.

The Nether World

Netherworld1

“There is a place below called the Nether World.  You enter this place when you “die” or when you are in a city (away from nature).  You enter via a special entrance.  Once down there, you cannot leave unless a substitute is found to take your place.  You will know that you have entered the Nether World because:

  1. noise will irritate you
  2. you will feel vulnerable and will have a hard time defending or protecting yourself
  3. you will feel dirty or bad
  4. you will not behave in a normal manner towards your family
  5. you will feel stuck
  6. not many things will appear to be good.

These six conditions exist in the Nether World and you must accept them.  If you don’t, you will be held there by the inhabitants of the world until a god intervenes on your behalf.

After descending into the Nether World, you will have to cross a river with the help of a boatman.  Then, you will judge yourself.  If the judgement is positive, you will live a life of happiness.

The Nether World is a dark place, and living there is depressing.”

– – – – – – – – – –

The above description was written over 5000 years ago.  It is part of the Sumerian Texts, one of the oldest texts found on earth.  It describes a place they call the Nether World.

I was surprised to notice that it was quite an accurate description of what today we call Depression.

Hell

Following my experience with people, and the realization that I was being lied to, the descent into hell was quick and unhindered, like a freefall.  Nothing could stop it.

Hell3

Hell is depression and depression is hell.  To me those two words are synonyms.

I was more than hurt.  I could not believe that loved-ones could lie to me like this.  My whole belief system collapsed and I lost all my reference points.  It’s hard to explain, it’s like nothing made sense anymore.  All the connections I had with reality disintegrated in one day.  All the connections I had with people became meaningless.  I even lost my faith in God.  The concept of a loving Father became absurd.

I couldn’t even think anymore.  I was totally lost and unable to grasp logic.  It felt like I had fallen from a cloud and was now trapped, caught, stuck in a dark place, chained to the ceiling in a room with no light and no door.  I was finished, alienated and annihilated.  My spirit was dead.

I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist because I didn’t know what else to do.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and prescribed the highest dose of antidepressant allowed by law.  Plus sleeping pills because I could not sleep anymore.

I became an automaton, able to function and perform my duties but emotionless, clueless and pointless.  No pills could cure me.

This hell lasted eight years.  I’m not going to go into all the details because it would be useless.  What I want to get to is how I was rescued, which will be the subject of my next blogposts.