Yesterday I wrote that I live on a planet where I experience separation and loneliness. Then emotions of great sadness filled my eyes with tears. Afterwards I thought this was weird because I love being alone.
At this moment I am completely alone in the house. My wife and son are out of the country and my daughter is away visiting her grandma. I will be alone until tomorrow. I’m enjoying it. So then why was I so sad when I realized how lonely I was in this life?
Because of the absence of people like me. People like me? What’s so special about me? No, I’m not special. I think everybody down here is lonely and it has to do with transparency again. Since we can’t see what others are thinking and feeling, we are always alone with our thoughts and emotions. I am blind to other people’s true colors.
Or am I?
(The female cat wants to be caressed. How do I know? Because of the sounds she makes and the way she moves.)
Maybe I am able to pick up people’s vibes more than I think. Yesterday I was walking around the neighborhood and I stopped at the hospital. I didn’t go inside the building. There were benches near the front door and I sat there for a while to rest. I was looking at the people. Some were walking, others were sitting. I was not judging them or anything, just observing. I saw a guy who had tattoos and a little pony tail on top of his head. He was crossing the road and holding a cell phone in his hand. Suddenly I felt a pain of anxiety inside my stomach, for no apparent reason.
I wondered where this anxiety came from. Was I feeling this guy’s emotions?
How bizarre… I just noticed now, while typing the description of the guy, that what I wrote about him could be said about my wife: tattoos, little pony tail, holding a cell phone. Plus his height and the color of his skin were exactly the same as my wife’s. But she is not masculine. Although sometimes I think she acts like a male because of her need to control everything.
So now I wonder… Did I feel anxious because this guy unconsciously reminded me of my wife who suffers from anxiety?
Why would I need to feel this anxiety anyway? To share her pain?
Why should I need to feel her pain?
Maybe because, deep down, I love her?
Or maybe I have the power to heal her? I was at the hospital, remember? That’s where people go to find healing.
I don’t know… but this is what’s coming up in my awareness this morning. As I’m typing this, I’m feeling the same pain of anxiety that I felt yesterday, although a bit less in intensity.
If this is true (that I do love my wife and that she can be healed of her anxiety), it’s not the first time this idea crosses my mind, and it makes me angry. Very angry.
Why?
Because I don’t want to get along with her! I don’t want to get close to her ever again! I know, I said I was lonely, but I don’t trust her.
But you understand her now. You know she lies because of her anxiety and you also know where her anxiety comes from.
Maybe, but knowing these things won’t change her.
You want to change her?
I want her to stop lying to me. No, I don’t! I’ve adapted to her lies and I’m even lying to her in return. If she changes, I’ll have to change (again). I’m tired of changing. Unless it was a permanent change, but nothing here is permanent or guaranteed. She could change back anytime afterwards, and chances are she would. So why bother?
Maybe you can heal her.
Heal her? What do you mean? How could I heal her? I don’t want to heal her, even if I could. She has to heal herself. Or God can heal her. Her angels can help her accomplish self-healing. Not me. No way. I don’t want to be involved with her healing. This would fuck me up. It would make me think that I’m a healer.
Maybe you are a healer.
Stop it. I don’t like these ideas.
Maybe this is what’s coming and all we want to do is give you a heads-up.
Then ok, fine. I accept that. But… I still don’t like it.
It’s your ego talking.
Right. Shut the fuck up, ego.
Just watch what happens.
Predictions… *sigh* Do you have dates? This fall, I bet? Same time as the other predictions? When the economy collapses and the presence of aliens becomes official?
Whatever. I’ll watch, if I’m still around. I’m always watching anyway. Does this mean I will have to trust her eventually? Why? For my happiness on earth?
If she admits to all I have written concerning the source of her anxiety, I will be impressed. But wait a minute… Why would I want to be happy on earth? Won’t this defy the purpose of the whole experience? Will she stop spending and wasting too? Will she become spiritual? Oh god…
This is just ancient wishful thinking. I don’t wish for this anymore. It’s an old wish. Scrap it. It was a wish based on materialistic concerns.
Your wife becoming spiritual is a wish based on materialistic concerns?
No, just the “less spending and less wasting” part.
It would be interesting to watch her angels in action, though. I did tell them to kick her butt last winter. The next day she slipped on the ice and landed on her ass.
Maybe there’s more than one butt that needs to be kicked in this world. There are so many arrogant butts. Including mine.
*sigh*
Metamorphosis 