Here is a brief history of my sexual preferences from age 3 to 25. It contains some explicit thoughts and some dirty words.
When I was a boy (from age 3 up to 12) I was physically attracted to ladies only. But when puberty started, my attention turned to my penis and its erections. I was intrigued by the pleasure I got when I did certain things with it. I was 12 or 13 when I had my first ejaculation.
At that time, I became curious about boys my age and their penises. I wondered if they pleasured themselves in secret just like I did. My interest in the male form (physique) started to awaken also. I began to notice the difference between cute guys from the not-so-cute ones.
At age 14, I started having wet dreams. This was a surprise and an embarrassment — to wake up in a puddle of sticky sperm every now and then. But the content of my dreams was what troubled me the most. In these lucid dreams, I was almost always in the school yard and I would pull down a boy’s pants, suck his dick and then force him to suck mine. These dreams disturbed me because I would find myself so excited when I woke up. I thought I was turning into a homosexual and I was horrified!
In the meantime, in real life, I would date girls only. Girls were attracted to me and it was easy to find a girlfriend. I had many. I would discreetly look at guys from the corner of my eyes, but would only allow myself to hug, fondle and French kiss girls. I wanted my interest in guys to go away, but the more I repressed it, the more explicit my dreams became.
At age 19, I decided to do something about it. I went to see a counselor. I was so afraid to speak about this issue that prior to seeing him, I wrote everything down. I scribbled a 5-page letter, spelling out exactly what I wanted to say to the counselor. I remember walking into his office, sitting down, pulling out my letter, and starting to read.
Basically what I was telling him was that I was gay and that I had never been able to admit it to anyone, not even to myself. My dreams proved to me that deep down I was gay. I read the letter to the end without stopping. I was shaking. To me it was like admitting defeat: I had failed as a man. I thought that I would never be a real man, that I was doomed, that I was a loser. I was ready for execution. I wanted him to pull out a gun and shoot me, right there on the spot, no questions asked.
I finished reading the letter and I sat there, staring at the floor. I didn’t want to look into his eyes. I felt relieved but at the same time totally extinguished. I thought my life was over. Finally I looked up at him and he was smiling and he said: “Daemon, you’re not gay. Dreams don’t mean anything. You’ve never had sex with a man. How can you possibly know whether or not you are gay?”
I was shocked! His comment was so unexpected. I could not believe my ears. I was also a bit disappointed because it had taken me 5 years to gather up enough courage to finally admit to someone my most secret fantasies, proving that I was gay, and he tells me that I am not!? I was so surprised, I could not speak. I simply stood up, thanked him, shook his hand and walked out.
From that moment on, whenever I would feel attracted to a guy, I would replay his words in my head, visualize his smile, hear his gentle, caring voice say: “Daemon, you’re not gay.” I chose to believe him. Yes it was a choice and it was also what I wanted to believe, so I accepted it.
My physical attraction to females was a given. I was attracted to women by default. No doubt about that. So the years went by and I continued chasing women and dreaming about sucking dick and at age 25, I married a young lady my age.
To be continued… (maybe).