My Frigging Loved Ones

monsters

I have trust issues.

The worst part of it is that the group of people I trust the least is the one I call my “loved ones”.

I don’t trust my loved ones because the individuals who have hurt me the most during my life were all members of that group.

Very seldom have I been hurt by total strangers.

Some people have suicidal ideation, but my ideation is the thought of being abducted by aliens.  Which says a lot about the kind of people I trust:  those who come from the farthest places.

There is a reason why I blog.  Opening myself up to total strangers feels safe.  Sitting behind a computer screen feels even safer.  No one can touch me.

I’m sick and tired of being hurt.  I’ve had enough.  After a while there was no other choice but to withdraw.

Forgiveness doesn’t work.  It’s easy to forgive those who have hurt me but are now gone, like dead relatives of ex-girlfriends.  But when you live with the people who have hurt you the most, and these people continue to hurt you, then how can you forgive them?  There has to be regret, otherwise the forgiveness is useless.

I could run away from them, like when I left my first wife after our marriage had failed.  But I’m tired of running away.  People are the same everywhere.  I figured I had to find a way to live with them.

I decided to withdraw, for the moment, within my cocoon and do some serious introspection (again).

I noticed that I started to transform and I’m afraid that if ever I decide to come out, no one will recognize me.  What will I have become?  Or maybe I’m just going to die in here and reappear somewhere else, like in a totally different realm (this is what I wish for the most actually).

I thought of psychotherapy, but the problem is:  I don’t even WANT to trust them.  Why would I want to risk getting hurt again by the same people?  It would devastate me.  It’s not worth it.  I don’t need them to be unhappy.  I can be totally unhappy without them.

One day I will break free.  I don’t know when it’s going to happen but it will have to happen eventually.  I can’t stay locked up inside myself forever.

Family Won’t Budge

 

same old way

How does family react to personal transformation?  Not very well, I’m afraid.  Seems like the role of the family is to make sure nothing ever changes.

I’ve been very isolated with my thoughts lately.  I don’t socialize very much.  When you are depressed, you don’t want to see anyone.  I use my depression to transform my inner self.

I’ve been getting messages from my family members.  “We miss you!” they say.

How sweet.

This was my response to them.  I don’t know if it was rude or what, but it was the truth:
“You miss the old me.  Well let me tell you, the old me is dead.  The brother you once knew no longer exists.  I buried him.  You won’t ever see him again.”

Their reply was like…  WTF?

Next, they tried to offer help.

So I told them about metamorphosis (personal transformation).

How does family react to depression and to personal transformation?  They are scared shit!  They don’t want to lose me.  They are doing everything they can to keep me from changing.  They want me to be the same guy I was before.  How do you deal with that?

At the moment I am avoiding them.  More introspection.  Asking myself what is happening.  If the change is positive, then why are they reacting like this?  Of course, all they see is a guy locked up inside his cocoon.  They can’t see what is happening inside.  Even though I tried to explain to them, the more I try to explain, the worse it gets.  Now a couple of them seem to think that I am possessed.  That’s right, possessed by an evil spirit!

I am possessed, by the spirit of transformation and I decided to let it happen.  Sorry, dear family, but if you can’t accept it, that’s not my problem.  I just wish you could understand, and perhaps strive to transform yourselves too.

Maybe one day I will give them access to my blog, a few minutes before I die.

People

people

Something unexpected has happened to me.
I’m not proud of it.  I never asked for it.
So I’m going to write about it.

I avoid talking to people more and more.  It started about a year ago and it has developed into some kind of obsession.  I don’t want to talk to anyone!

I don’t mind writing, but being face to face with someone makes me uncomfortable.

And I think I know exactly why.

People are not transparent.  I know it sounds crazy, but I have been pondering on this for quite some time, and I think this is it.  People are not transparent and I can’t see through them and there is no way I can ever see through them.

I cannot rely on appearances.  I cannot rely on what they say either.  I can’t rely on what I think of them or on what other people have said.  I can’t even rely on my own judgment.

So when I am talking to someone, I feel like I’m opening myself up to a mysterious living creature that has the power to lie, cheat and fake it, and that there is no way for me to ever know or to protect myself.

I feel this with the members of my own family!

I know exactly why.  I have been so naïve all my life, I used to trust and believe everyone, and one day I realized that my most precious loved-ones had been lying, cheating, manipulating and taking advantage of me for years, without being aware of it.

This has caused me to almost completely shut down.  This is the major cause of my depression.

I don’t trust people, especially loved-ones.  I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone again, not until they become completely transparent.  I have to be able to see through them, to see what’s really going on behind the facades. This will never happen, not on this earth anyway.

So my family life is doomed and so is my social life.  Fortunately I can still write to people, and that I do.