Hell on Earth

I write

My body has a small defect that greatly affects the quality of my life “in the body.”

It’s sad how such a small glitch can ruin all the fun.

It’s not something that can be fixed or cured either.

A human body is meant to move. When we look at how the body is made, it’s obvious that it was made for movement. We are not plants.

Imagine if there was a defect in your body that would cause you to feel nauseous every time you moved. My body has this defect. The more I move, the more I feel nauseated, sickened and disgusted.

In time, a person who suffers from this defect becomes severely depressed. I was on a very high dose of antidepressants for many years, but in 2012 I realized that it was not worth it. An antidepressant can relieve depression but it cannot fix the source of the problem.

The medication actually caused more problems than it solved, so finally I decided that I would rather live with my physical defect than swallow one more pill.

I’m quite healthy but I can’t say that I am happy. I have a fit body. I can technically do any physical activity I want. The problem is I don’t want to. In order to feel good, I have to move as little as possible. I’m in a very weird kind of predicament!

The defect is called a balance disorder. It’s almost impossible to notice. I sit quietly all day, refusing to do almost any kind of physical activity, and people think I’m weird and negative. My family knows, but they keep forgetting, or sometimes I get the impression that they have no idea how I feel when I move.

If you ever wondered why I live inside my head, in a fantasy world with imaginary friends, now you know. What choice do I have? I get no pleasure from physical movement. Life in my body, in this physical world, to me is hell.

Are You Bored?

bored

If you are not bored, then don’t read this post because it contains only boring thoughts from a bored person.

What could I do that is worthwhile, fun and useful, on this rainy day?

Don’t bother suggesting anything that requires movement, because I can’t move.

I’m disabled.

Never told you about my disability, did I?

*sigh*

Ok, I’m going to tell you:

One day, I lost something.  One day I had it, and the next day it was gone.  Things have never been the same since that day.  It happened in 1999.  On the 10th of June.  That day, I lost my balance.  I don’t even know what caused it.

Most people don’t even realize that they have balance.  But when you lose it, holy shit…

Without balance, you can’t walk.  I had to re-learn how to walk.  But the worse thing was what followed:  depression.  I mention depression in many of my blogposts but not what caused it.

This disequilibrium makes me feel a little drunk most of the time.  So if you ever wondered why my posts were unbalanced, now you know.  My balance system is broken and it can’t be fixed.  You want the technical details?  Boring!  But this is a boring post so I’m going to tell you.

The sense of balance is in your inner ear.  Ever heard of equilibrioception?  Me neither.  We all think we have only five senses, but we have more.  The sense of balance is one of them and it is definitively being taken for granted.

When the sense of balance breaks down, it causes dizziness, disorientation and nausea.  Motion sickness if you will.  It sucks.  I said earlier that I couldn’t move but it’s not true.  I can move as much as I want, but it makes me feel sick.  The more I move, the worse it gets.  I feel like I’m going to vomit.  Loud sound also affects it for some reason.  When there is too much noise, I feel like barfing.

I learned to live with it.  I had no choice.  I can walk but running is out of the question, unless I want to get hurt.  I feel best when I don’t move and all is quiet.  Boring, isn’t it?  This is my life.  I write because I don’t move much, so I think and dream a lot.  I don’t like watching TV so I have to use my imagination to find satisfactory entertainment.  What else can I do?  Oh, I read also, but I prefer to daydream and write creatively.

So this is my disability.

What is yours?