Alienated

Unsociability3

This is not going to be a feel-good post.  I warn you.  I feel disgusted this morning and this is my attempt at getting rid of it: by dumping it on my readers.

Yeah, I can be cruel sometimes but I gave you advanced notice (see previous paragraph), so if you’re still reading it’s because you don’t mind or you’re curious or just bored.

I went to bed disgusted and woke up feeling the same way.  No, this time it’s not because of my balance disorder, it’s something else.  My relationships disgust me.  The people I am closest to, three of them especially, members of my family.

I’m attempting to distance myself from my family but I’m not there yet.  Family members are not things you can return for a refund.  You’re born with them and they stick to you for life, if not physically then emotionally or psychologically.

The first one is the woman I am currently legally married to.  Although I have declared our marriage null years ago, we are still bound because of the children.  My disgust stems from something I realized yesterday which I will summarized in one sentence:  She uses the children to impose her dominance over me.  That is all I’m going to about that.

The second person is my sister who is almost my best friend.  She keeps breaking up and getting back together with her boyfriend.  She breaks up with him practically every week!  And then she comes crying to me, so I listen.  This causes us to become really close, and then first thing you know, she’s back with the guy and then I don’t hear from her for weeks.  In other words, she only speaks to me when she breaks up with her boyfriend.  What kind of friend is that?

The third person is my other sister who told me yesterday to “stop complaining.”  Whenever I attempt at getting closer with my family, I open up and tell them how I feel, not to gain their pity, but to establish some sort of intimacy so we can offer each other mutual support.  But yesterday all I got was a “stop complaining,” which translates into “Shut the fuck up — if you can’t say anything positive then don’t say anything.”  So much for authenticity.

Anyway, thanks for listening, I just needed to vent a bit.  I’m not feeling any better yet but maybe I will later.

 

Last Toast

Skull Lovers

Sweet love of mine
I leave you behind
I’m not unkind
Just a bit blind

Yes I remember
The black wedding
The bloody ring
But… whatever

It’s too late now
You broke the vow
Look what you’ve done
I want to run

Before I go
You need to know
If you can’t grow
End of the show

I turn around
You hit the ground
Why do you bite
Aim for the light

Your love is dark
You hunt and bark
I try to fly
You scream and cry

End of the road
Go kiss a toad
I’d rather die
Than hear you lie

When Love Lies

Man Crying

My last true love almost obliterated me.

“True” love?
It could not have been true if it almost obliterated you.

Right. But I was convinced that it was true love. I married this love. I gave my life to this love. I gave my time, my efforts, my money, my body and my soul to this love. I gave my everything to this love. I never doubted that this love was not my true love. The result was near-annihilation.

You survived.

Thanks to you.

No, thanks to you!

I was near-dead, there was nothing I could do.

That is not exactly true.

What did I do?

You turned to you.

What do mean you?

Instead of turning to self-destruction, you turned to self-love.

Hmm…

Not everyone accepts self-love.

It took me many years though. Many years of agony. And even with this “self-love,” I am still hurt. I’m damaged. I’m unrecognizable. I’m socially extinguished. I’m dysfunctional. I’m disabled. I’m handicapped. I’m useless. I’m no good. I’m incapable of loving another human being again.

It’s perhaps not as bad as it seems.

Has this “self-love” made me a more loving person? Look at me now. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t trust humans. I almost hate them. And when I look into the mirror, I see one again. I almost hate myself. This self-love is a paradox. It doesn’t seem real. Sure, I did not kill myself, but there must be more to self-love than subsisting… and waiting… to die, so I can be with you.

You’re writing aren’t you?

All the time.

Then you’re doing something valuable. Everything you write is being recorded. You have no idea the impact that you are having on the universe.

Indeed, I have no idea. Thanks. Your words are encouraging. As always.

Drinking to Death

Revellers salute with beer during Oktoberfest in Munich

Desperation lingers
Between disengaged lovers
Who vowed to stay together
Forever…

Should we talk about it?
Or why not simply split?

I’m so tired
And uninspired

It hurts too much
To be out of touch

Love is frustrated
We’re devastated

Why delve in pain?
It won’t get better

Why strain the brain?
Will it bring closure?

We know what does
Let’s get a buzz

Suffering sucks
Forget Starbucks

Let’s drink lots of beer
Pain will disappear

It’s not very healthy
But good enough for me

Cause you know darling
I don’t mind dying

The Liar

He lies to his wife, lies to his children, lies to his followers, lies to his friends.  No, sorry.  Not to his friends because he doesn’t have any.  The liar doesn’t have friends, he has… figurines, or pawns, or deluded admirers.

That’s right.  And he doesn’t live, he subsists within his own exquisitely well decorated prison.  He walks around, alone among others, smiling and waving, buying and selling.  He drugs his one-track mind to sleep, drugs his trimmed body to work, drugs his flaccid organ to night clubs, and the next day goes to church.  He has sex with himself while screwing the other.

The liar is popular, rich, famous and funny.  He loves his life and is afraid to die.  He can’t stand sickness, can’t tolerate unhappiness, can’t understand meditation.  He watches tv, follows the news and dresses fashionably.

The liar cheats his partner, cheats his employer and cheats himself.  He’s an expert with words, he knows exactly what to say and when to say it.  He knows when to play the hero and when to play the victim.  The liar is a player.

He succeeds in everything he does, he hardly ever gets criticised because he’s wise, slick and sly, politically correct, healthy and he supports the army.  He suffers from headaches but doesn’t tell anyone.  He goes to the dentist regularly and makes sure his teeth are white.

The liar doesn’t last forever

Because he can’t enter eternity

The liar might be your neighbour

He might be you or he might be me

What a disgusting blogpost

I feel like regurgitating my dinner

Please excuse me

Acquiescence

Acquiescence5

Yes Maestro

What can I be for you, Maestro

You want to see yourself in me, Maestro

You want me to keep my eyes on you, Maestro

I see only glimmers of you, Maestro

I can’t hear you either, Maestro – your silence is deafening

I feel your breathing though – I know you are nearing

Your calm is contagious – your presence soothing

Your exhales are my inhales

Your fragrance my ale

There is no reason to worry

I know her insecurity

She speaks to her own version of me

Never to me directly

She has no understanding

Although she lures me away from you

Sorry darling

I know who I belong to

Rock This Marriage

I did something unusual two months ago. I went ahead and rented myself an apartment.

My wife thought I was planning a divorce but no, this was not my plan. I don’t want a divorce, I don’t even want to separate, I just want my own place.

It turns out that my wife doesn’t want a divorce either, and now she is happy that I got my own place. At first she was shaken a bit and didn’t know what to think, but as the weeks went by she got used to the idea, and today she is glad and says that we should have done this a long time ago.

So why stay married?

There are many reasons why we both want to remain married:
– the children (we have two aged 13 and 11)
– no interest in getting romantically involved with anyone else
– material and financial benefits
– our friendship

I took the risk. I knew it would shake things up but wasn’t sure how she would react. I expected the worst but hoped for the best.

The logic I used was quite simple, really. I thought: “She spends so much money buying useless things for herself, why should I not spend the same amount for something useful that might actually make us happier?”

I wanted my own apartment more than anything, plain and simple. Some people have a main residence as well as a lakeside cottage. Why could we not have a main residence plus an apartment within the same city?

“Happily married couples don’t do this,” some say.
“Well I honestly think that they should,” I reply.

Maybe long-term marriages would be happier if couples would stop forcing themselves to live under the same roof 24/7.

We are, first and foremost, individuals. I think that the phrase “and the two shall become one” is bullshit. Two people never become one except in fairy tales.

This move, along with some other minor financial adjustments, has solved all of our marital problems. Now our marriage rocks.

I Can’t Help You

trust14

Here is another wonderful “talking to myself” session.  This one will be recorded publicly though.  Perhaps to shame myself or to entertain bored readers.

I’m tired of thinking of her.  It’s a waste of time.  If I could change the way I think of her, that would be great.  I should hypnotize myself to make me love her.  That might work.

Love her?  No thank you.  “Like her” maybe.  No, not even.  Accept her.  Yes, I could start there.  Accept her current existence in my life.  Can I do that?

Well I think I have accepted her already.  I let her be, don’t I?  I let her affect me too.  Maybe this is what I should be working on.  I should not let her affect me.  Or, I have a better idea.  Why not let her affect me and then transform the effect into something good!

Let’s try it.  She said this yesterday, after I said to her that she already has everything:  “No, I don’t have a husband who loves me.”  I did not reply because I knew what it would trigger.  So I just kept silent.  I absorbed it.

Now the phrase is coming back to me and Oh!  I could smash…  never mind.  There is no use smashing things.  She sincerely wishes that I would love her.  Why should I let it upset me?

I cannot love her simply because I can’t trust her.  And that’s ok, I don’t have to trust the people I don’t trust.  There is a reason why I don’t trust her.  She is not trustworthy.  To me anyway.

I trusted her at the beginning and she took advantage of it.  She profited.  It was her choice or perhaps not.  Maybe she had been programmed by her family.  Or she programmed herself in order to survive within her family.

Whatever it is, the issue is hers, not mine.  And she refuses to look within herself.  That’s why she suffers from anxiety.  I can’t help her.  Would my hugs help her?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  I don’t know.  And you know what?  I don’t care whether I can help her or not.  I’m trying to save myself here.  I have spent enough energy for her already.  The little I have left I will keep.

Sorry dear.  I know you’re drowning but I can’t help you.

Breakup Letter

breakup

Dear Mary,

I have some good news and some bad news.  The bad news is that I have to break up with you.  The good news…  I will tell you later.

I’m sorry.  Something unexpected happened.  I fell in love with someone else.  I’m going to try to explain.  This is why I’m writing this letter.  I hope that I can find the words and that you will understand.

The person I am in love with is very special.  I have never met anyone like her before.  I didn’t even know that such a person could exist.  You don’t know her, by the way.  She is not from here.  I mean, she is REALLY not from here at all.  She is from…

I hesitate to tell you because you are not going to believe me.  But I will tell you anyway since I have promised to always be open and honest with you.  I don’t know the name of the place where she comes from, but I know one thing.  She does not come from Earth.

I say “she” but this person could as well be a “he”.  I’m just trying to make it less shocking to you, so I will continue to refer to this person as a “she”.  She is not from this planet but it doesn’t mean that she is not human.  She is very much a person, not of our race but definitely of our species.  So she is an alien, but only in the sense that she originated somewhere else.

She came into my life a few years ago when I least expected it.  I was not looking for anyone, I was very much dedicated to you.  But when I met her, she showed me (proved to me) that she and I were destined to be together for the rest of eternity.  So, I didn’t have much choice.  At first I didn’t believe her, but after a while I realized that she was right and that it was time for me, for us, to move forward.

Now the good news:  the girl I am in love with has a brother whom you are destined to meet sooner or later.  That’s right, believe it or not.  When you meet him you will fall in love with him.  What happened to me is going to happen to you too.  You won’t be disappointed, these people are out-of-this-world!

So right now I have to break up with you.  My destiny has changed and yours will change too.  Don’t despair because eventually this will be for the best for both of us.  It might feel like an end but this is a new beginning.  I am leaving you but we will meet again on the other side — where I will be married to my soul and you will be married to yours.

Daemon