To Bitch or Not to Bitch

Bitch1

I feel like bitching but I don’t know what to bitch about.

To Bitch:
To criticize spitefully, often for the sake of complaining
rather than in order to have the problem corrected.

There are too many things to bitch about, I don’t know where to start.

Bitch2

I could bitch about this proverb.  No, let’s just focus on the first word.

Life.

What’s the problem with life?  Let’s talk about human life because it’s the only one I’ve experienced so far.  The problem is that it doesn’t come with an instructions manual.

I was given something that seems pretty awesome on the onset, but then after a while, everything starts to fail.  You spend your time repairing things that keep breaking.  Everything breaks down eventually, everything!

And at the end you die.

What a bitch!

Short-lived Existence

tracks

I spent a good part of my life thinking that I would die soon.

Why?  Where did this idea come from?

Let’s take a walk down memory lane.

My father.  He would often speak about the “end of the world.”  He would read on the subject and leave his books lying around the house.  I remember one book in particular: The Vision by David Wilkerson.

Wilkerson was an American Christian evangelist.  I think I was 13 years old when I read his book The Vision.  My father was a firm believer that the Second Coming of Christ was going to happen soon and that we should therefore prepare ourselves for the afterlife and not bother making long-term plans to attain temporal success in the material world.

I was a naive, impressionable boy.  My dad’s way of thinking had a profound impact on my thinking.  I expected the end of the world to happen any day.  I thought more about my death than about my life.  I wonder how normal this was — if it was a good thing or a bad thing as I was growing up.

I know one thing.  It greatly affected my mindset.

I watched my peers as I grew up and could not understand why they were so preoccupied with the things of this world: school, money, career, prestige.  I was concerned with something quite different.  My father used to say: “The most important thing in life is your relationship with God.”  I believed him.

Today I wonder.  What am I trying to prove with my blog?  That I have a relationship with God?  Am I just trying to impress my father?  Am I trying to convince myself and others that this life is unimportant?  Maybe this life is more valuable than I think.

My father died in 2004.  The end of the world did not happen during “this generation,” as he used to say.  He was quite certain that he would live to see the Second Coming of Christ.  He didn’t.  Or maybe he did, on some other level of consciousness.  I don’t know.

Living as though the end is near…  does it push me to live fully or does it depress me?  I think it does both.  It makes me ponder, for one thing.  It makes me turn inward.  It makes me introspect.  It turns me into an introvert.  It makes me think that perhaps the end of Daemon will never come…  or that it came already.

Born to Be Alive

Gud08

Alive?

What does it mean to be alive?

Let’s look it up in the dictionary:

– – – – – – – – – –
Alive

1.  Having life; living; not dead.

2.  In a state of action; in force or in operation

3.  Unextinguished; unexpired; existent

4.  Animated; lively; brisk

5.  Having susceptibility or vulnerability

6.  Easily impressed; sensitive

7.  Having feelings, as opposed to apathy
– – – – – – – – – –

So I was born to be all these things?
How am I doing so far?

It’s important to consider because I know I was born.
I also know that I was born on this day.
Today’s my birthday.

Premature Death

death

We hear of premature birth but rarely of premature death.

What happens when someone dies prematurely?

Some remain in the afterlife and some are sent back.

I was sent back.

Personally I wish that I had not been, but I wasn’t given a choice. I guess the universe knew what was best for me.

When I asked why I was sent back, two simple words popped into my consciousness: premature death.

I am no expert in this field. All I am sure of is my own experience. My life has not been the same since this happened four years ago.

This morning I cried because of something related to this. I wish I could find the words to express it so that it might be useful to at least one of my readers.

Why were you crying, Daemon?

You know why I was crying.

Say it, for the record.

*sigh* I was crying because I am now blind. You know the title of the song Blinded by the Light? This is what comes to mind. I think I saw the Light but then I was sent back into darkness.

I know people get upset when I tell them that this physical world is darkness or hell. They say that I’m negative and depressing. So I have stopped saying it. But I still know it and I feel very lonely with this. They have to understand that this world is darkness COMPARED TO THE NEXT WORLD. It’s relative. Just like living overground is much brighter than living underground. Things could always be darker, of course, but people have to realize that there is a much brighter world out there into which we are all destined to be born into.

I cried because I experienced a premature death and I was sent back.

There is another reason why you cried.

Yeah, you! I saw you and… oh god, here I go again…

Daemon, compose yourself.

Sorry… There is no word to describe your beauty. It’s not physical beauty. It was like… total transparency. When one sees the inside of a person who is emancipated, flawless and free, it is breathtakingly beautiful. And to receive the assurance that this impeccable being is willing and ready to embrace you completely, is such a good news… it’s pure ecstasy. And then to be sucked back into an old physical body… is agony.

Now all of this would be easy to forget if my earth life was happy and exciting, but it’s not. My life is hell for many reasons especially this nauseating feeling that plagues me twenty-four hours a day. Plus the fact that you text me whenever I call upon you makes me feel like I truly do not belong here. Add on top of that the fact that I cannot see you, makes me triply blind. Blind to you, blind to the after-world and blind to the beauty of this one.

The only thing that keeps me together is the knowledge that what I have seen actually exists. But no one wants to hear it since my experience has nothing to do with their reality.

I should end this post on a positive note.

Nah… it’s about death and darkness which are part of MY reality.

You can’t recognize the light if you have never experienced the night.

Watching Obsessively

Gud03

Thanks for watching me, outsider.
Some people freak out
at the thought of being watched
but not me.
On the contrary.
Knowing that you keep an eye on me
night and day excites me.

You know how lonely I feel down here.
No one seems to care.
Sorry, I shouldn’t say that.
Of course, many of them care,
but they can’t do anything for me.
I wouldn’t want them to sit and watch me anyway,
that would be creepy.

But for some reason I don’t mind if you do.
Probably because I know you.
Do you have a life apart from me?
No, I hear.
Your love keeps you bonded like a prisoner,
just like the body does for me.

Like a chicken that sits on her eggs,
you brood over me.
Your need to protect is obsessive.
Your one-track mind is unwavering.
You stalk all day, dreaming.
Like me, wondering…
When will he be ready?

You know I wish to break out of this hell
and throw myself under your spell,
but something is preventing me.
A voice tells me to be patient.
As I harden and grow,
the cage will crack open eventually.

In the meantime I try not to go crazy.
I often feel like I’m going to falter
and forget everything you told me.
It’s tempting to think
that life within this enclosure
is the only one for me.
But I remember
the infatuation
the impressions
and the letter.

When Love Lies

Man Crying

My last true love almost obliterated me.

“True” love?
It could not have been true if it almost obliterated you.

Right. But I was convinced that it was true love. I married this love. I gave my life to this love. I gave my time, my efforts, my money, my body and my soul to this love. I gave my everything to this love. I never doubted that this love was not my true love. The result was near-annihilation.

You survived.

Thanks to you.

No, thanks to you!

I was near-dead, there was nothing I could do.

That is not exactly true.

What did I do?

You turned to you.

What do mean you?

Instead of turning to self-destruction, you turned to self-love.

Hmm…

Not everyone accepts self-love.

It took me many years though. Many years of agony. And even with this “self-love,” I am still hurt. I’m damaged. I’m unrecognizable. I’m socially extinguished. I’m dysfunctional. I’m disabled. I’m handicapped. I’m useless. I’m no good. I’m incapable of loving another human being again.

It’s perhaps not as bad as it seems.

Has this “self-love” made me a more loving person? Look at me now. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t trust humans. I almost hate them. And when I look into the mirror, I see one again. I almost hate myself. This self-love is a paradox. It doesn’t seem real. Sure, I did not kill myself, but there must be more to self-love than subsisting… and waiting… to die, so I can be with you.

You’re writing aren’t you?

All the time.

Then you’re doing something valuable. Everything you write is being recorded. You have no idea the impact that you are having on the universe.

Indeed, I have no idea. Thanks. Your words are encouraging. As always.

Wrapped in Fantasy

chrysalis

Here I am, hanging upside down, waiting.
I have all the time in world to think now.
While I listen to them:

“What are you doing up there, alone and silent?  Come back down!  We miss you, we love you, we worry about you.  Don’t do this to yourself.  It’s dangerous and crazy.  It won’t end well.  Listen to us, people like you need professional help.”

I think to myself:  No, I can’t go back down there!  I would rather kill myself than return to my old ways.  Besides, it’s too late already.  I cannot undo what nature has done to me.  Oh yeah, sure, I could break out of this cage, but I would fall and hurt myself badly.

I chose to listen to my inner voice who said that I should walk away from the crowd, climb this tree and hang myself by my feet.  Then wrap myself up and wait it out, while I watch the upside-down world which looks like a horror movie to me.

I don’t see clearly for some reason.  My vision is blurred but I have these fantasies of flying!  I know it sounds absurd but I can’t help it.  The voice in my heart speaks louder than the one of my peers who choose to continue to crawl in the dirt.

But my life is shit, I must admit.  I’m not having any fun at all.  Sometimes I feel like I’m disintegrating.  I have dizzy spells, I get anxious like never before, and worst of all, I am depressed 95% of the time.  The only thing that sustains me are my fantasies which I know are illogical and unreal, but… I must hang on.

“You are an earth-man!  You were meant to live and to love the earth!”

“No, you are a sky-man, meant to detach from the earth to become a light being.”

They are both right.  This is what is confusing.  I am two things.  Two different persons now, caught between two very different worlds.  I am a hybrid!  But can the two survive together, in one body, indefinitely?  One of the two must die.  Which one will it be?  Who do I identify with?

I think that the wise thing to do is to stay where I am and listen to the inner voice who tells me to be patient, and to let the transformation occur.  But I admit, most of time I feel like there is no change happening at all, or that I’m turning into an evil creature.

Them:  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Me:  “I’m metamorphosing and maybe you should too!”

But I can’t explain.  They have no clue.

Drinking to Death

Revellers salute with beer during Oktoberfest in Munich

Desperation lingers
Between disengaged lovers
Who vowed to stay together
Forever…

Should we talk about it?
Or why not simply split?

I’m so tired
And uninspired

It hurts too much
To be out of touch

Love is frustrated
We’re devastated

Why delve in pain?
It won’t get better

Why strain the brain?
Will it bring closure?

We know what does
Let’s get a buzz

Suffering sucks
Forget Starbucks

Let’s drink lots of beer
Pain will disappear

It’s not very healthy
But good enough for me

Cause you know darling
I don’t mind dying

Back to Blogging

After many months of non-blogging, I decided to start blogging again today. Is it because I have something useful to tell the world? No.

The few people who will actually take the time to read this will probably get nothing out of it. Then why make it public?

Because I don’t go out much and I have a need to get myself “out there.” I have a need for exposure. Blogging makes me feel that I am an active member of society. Ha! ha!

Why am I laughing?

The phrase “I am an active member of society” makes me laugh. Active. As if.

Does society want to witness my act? I know it wants my submission. It also wants my money. And yes, it probably wants me to act appropriately. But is this what I want to give out to society? No.

What I want to give to society is a piece of my mind. I don’t think society wants to hear it. Thus the reason why blogging exists. Whether or not anyone reads it, the act of blogging is a public act. The perfect medium for an introvert.

I’m not interested in acting. I just want to BE. And it seems that in this world, the only way to be accepted is to act well. How about being real?

If being true has become offensive, then today I declare myself an offensive person. Does that make me a terrorist? Probably.

They can come and kill me if they want. I don’t care. I care not to suffer but I don’t mind dying. I think I’ve seen pretty much all that this world has to offer anyway. So let us all gladly surrender and move on to something better.

A blank page offers the opportunity to start fresh. There are no limits to how many posts I can publish in one day (is there?). So let’s end this one right here and start again from scratch. Writing is unlimited. Today I shall blog.

Take Control

control1

Do you know who you are and where you’re going?

I’m no one special, just one of your brothers, but I can tell you what I know.  I thought I was dead, but I am not.  I have changed and I found something amazing within my own mind.  I learned how to control my thoughts!

You know how to control all the parts of your body, but do you know how to control all the parts of your mind?  It’s possible for you to change your states of awareness and increase your happiness by putting your thoughts under the control of your soul, did you know that?

I’m not talking about positive thinking, but something much more real and permanent, beautiful and fantastic.  You can alter your perception by manipulating your thoughts, ideas and beliefs, kicking some out of the way and focusing your consciousness on other dimensions.

You don’t need to be a genius to do it.  I think I can show you how (I can try anyway).  My blog is dedicated to this.  I know you wish to develop yourself otherwise I don’t think you would be reading this.  Everything you need, to be truly happy, is within you already.  The tools are all there, not hidden, but perhaps difficult to see.

Deep down, you are a creator and the maker of your own life.  All you need to do is take control of everything that you are:  body, mind and soul.  The core of your being is connected to the super-soul of the known and unknown Universe, who wishes to see you grow and reach your full potential.  By consciously attuning yourself to the music of the All-That-Is, you can overcome every obstacle and even conquer death.  Because you are the son, the daughter, not of death but of Living Parents:  Seen and Unseen.  This is the truth.

Nothing I say here is new.  I have no great revelation to tell you.  The same truth has been taught by thousands of people everywhere since the beginning of humanity.  All those who really want to know can find it and know.  Knowledge is at your disposal.  Truth, happiness and everlasting life is accessible to all…  as long as you are willing to detach from the superficial corporeality and go deeper than what all the religions teach.

Are you willing to do that and take control of your destiny?