I’m not afraid when they come during the day but when they come at night, it’s another story.
The scenario is the same — always the same, ever since I was a child.
I fall asleep peacefully and then suddenly, in the middle of the night, I sense them, all around me. The fear builds up as I take a deep breath and then when they are just about to touch me, I force a scream out of my mouth, as loud as I can, and I wake up suddenly at the sound of my own voice. Sometimes it wakes up my wife and I have to explain that there were some ghosts who tried to grab me.
I don’t know how many times this has happened, probably more than a hundred. One time I woke up and I was standing in the middle of the room, about five feet away from my bed! Now THAT was creepy.
More recently, for about four years now, they started coming but during the day. I can handle that. It’s quite awesome actually. We have long discussions and they explain a lot of things to me.
When night comes, I feel secure, so I invite them to return and show me their faces in my dreams, because during the day I don’t see anything. So I fall asleep with a huge smile on my face, but then suddenly, just after falling asleep, I feel them all around me and I scream to wake myself up. Then I tell them to go away and leave me alone.
At first I thought that there were some good ones and some bad ones. The good ones come during the day to communicate with me and the bad ones during the night to scare me. I never invite the bad ones but then why do they come?
Today I read an interesting article on the subject which forces me to change my line of questioning. I’m asking myself a new question: “Why do I perceive the night visitors as bad? They have never hurt me. They come every time I invite them to do so. Why do I freak out when they approach my body?”
I think it has to do with my upbringing and all the ghost movies I watched when I was a child. Plus the fact that it’s dark at night. Who’s not afraid of that, at least a little bit?
Now I scratch my head and wonder: perhaps the ones who come at night are the same as the ones who come during the day. The only difference is… my reaction.
Last night I tested my bravery. I went to bed alone, took off my clothes, turned off the lights and lied on my back, on top of my bed, completely exposed and vulnerable. I even kept my eyes open. I relaxed, tuned off my thoughts and dropped my expectations. Then I invited them to come… and I waited.
After a few minutes, while I kept staring at the dark, things started to move, literally. The darkness was moving and changing colors and shapes started to form! I watched for awhile, repeating to myself: “Nothing bad is going to happen, nothing bad is going to happen…” But things were moving faster and then shapes started to become more obvious and then… oh my fucking god, chills started going up and down all over my body and the fear just overwhelmed me. I grabbed the blankets and covered myself, but I didn’t turn on the light. I stopped staring at the darkness, turned around, closed my eyes and explained to them that perhaps I wasn’t quite ready yet for a face to face encounter. I fell asleep and they didn’t bother me while I slept peacefully all through the night.
Tonight I should try to push a little farther and see what would happen if I kept staring at the darkness and actually let them touch me, if they can.