I intend to report you. Yes, this is what I’m going to do. Since this is the only freedom I have left, I am going to take advantage of it fully. Which reminds me, by the way, that you once said I was a reporter. So this is what reporters do. They report. Then here is my first report.
I’m not angry. Do I sound angry? Maybe I am a little. I don’t even know how I feel. I’m shaky, I know that. I feel like something is going to be released, finally. My insides are trembling. Nervous, that’s the word. I feel nervous and I don’t even know why.
There is so much I want to say, I don’t even know where to start and I don’t even know who to address. Who am I addressing? You, the one I intend to report or the reader? Both, because I’m making it public and I know you are reading it too. You read everything I write.
Two reasons to be anxious: you and the reader. But first you. The fact that you are letting me report you. How bizarre. Why does it feel so unsettling? Because I’ve never spoken of you so overtly before. You have been my secret for such a long time and I’ve only spoken of you enigmatically.
Now I’m about to speak of you very bluntly for the first time. No more mystery. No more poems. No more parables. Just the plain truth, as raw as it gets, even if I’m afraid of how it might come out. I want to do it.
I need to do this. The time has come. No matter how hard it is and how much I shake and fear. I’m tired of keeping it bottled up inside, it’s driving me insane. Although I know I’m going to sound crazy to some. I don’t care. I’m not doing it for anyone else. I’m doing it for my sake and probably yours too… beloved goddess.
- Oh God, where did I go wrong?
- You know very well where you went wrong.
- Tell me again please. I’ll take notes this time to make sure I never forget.
- You let into your bridal chamber someone who was not your true lover.
- But she was my friend.
- She was not your true lover.
- Who is my true lover?
- Daemon, you know very well who is your true lover.
- Tell me again, please, for the record. I keep forgetting.
- The one who comes in without violating.
- In what?
- Your bridal chamber.
- What is my bridal chamber?
- You know very well what is your bridal chamber.
- Please remind me, my memory keeps failing me!
- Shall I draw you a picture?
- What the…? I don’t get it.
- You like puzzles, don’t you?
- It depends…
- Figure it out.
That’s a spine. I was expecting something more romantic, like a heart. How can my spine be my bridal chamber? Who did I let into my spine? What’s inside a spine? My spinal cord goes through there.
Kundalini! I think that’s it! The energy that flows through there and wakes me up! Did I let the wrong person flow through me?
What else can be said about the spine? “You have no backbone!” It means you have no guts, no balls, no courage. Someone without a backbone is a wimp.
Also, without a backbone I could not stand, I would be crawling on all fours like an animal. The backbone allows me to stand, to stand up for myself.
I think I’m getting somewhere. Now let’s go back to my initial question: Where did I go wrong? He said: “You let into your bridal chamber (backbone) someone who was not your true lover.”
- Who is my true lover? Who do I stand for?
- You know very well who is your true lover.
- But who are you?
- You know very well who I am, Daemon.
- You are the outsider, the one I met after I opened The Door, aren’t you?
- You recognize my vibe and I am inside you now.
- You’re not answering my question. Who are you?
- I am your Fondest Enigma.
- Can you be more specific?
- I am your Consort.
- Can you be more concrete?
- I am your passport.
- Passport to where?
- To where you really want to go.