I’m Dying

So many signs:

  • the cats
  • the crows
  • the owl
  • the clock
  • the near-death experience
  • my friend who died in his sleep
  • little pin pains in my heart
  • detachment from loved ones
  • loss of appetite
  • age spots
  • tooth discoloring
  • sleeping more, staying in my room, not going out
  • loss of interest in things of this world
  • constant thoughts of flying away and going back “home”
  • visions of celestial beings
  • preparing envelopes for the kids
  • saying “I’m dying” whenever someone questions my behavior
  • re-converting to God

Eighteen signs.  I was born on the 18th.  Now I’m dying.
Does a person intuitively know when death is approaching?
Or is this just wishful thinking?

And then the whole blog thing…  When I started this blog my purpose was to write it, print it and leave it to my family as a kind of heritage or spiritual inheritance.  A kind of summary of “This is what life taught me”.  I’m not trying to gain followers and accumulate likes.  I’m preparing my luggage.  I’m packing up.  I’m leaving.

My first blogposts are all about metamorphosis, transformation and death.  I can’t get it out of my  consciousness.  The near-death experience was very vivid.  I remember very clearly.  The next day I knew.  I had died already but was sent back to “wrap things up”.  There was no doubt about it.  As months went by, my mind stopped taking it seriously, but my soul didn’t.

Today I calculated the age of my death based on the age of death of my father, grandfather, great-grandfather and great-great-grandfather.  If the trend continues, I will be dead by the end of next year.  I even told my mother a few weeks ago when she came to visit and she replied:  “No-no, you look very healthy.”

It’s raining right now.  The sky is gray.  I hear thunder coming closer.  I feel solemn (a mixture of sadness, seriousness and peace), like when you know that something is finished, or… dead.  I cannot envision any kind of turnaround at this point.

Is this simply depression or is it something else?  I don’t know, but it’s raining harder.  The raindrops fall heavily like bullets.  I look at our rosebush outside the window.  One of the roses is losing its petals to the rain.

It’s raining very hard now.  The red petals fall to the ground like drops of blood.

Am I dying or just imagining that I am?  I’m not sure if I should publish this or keep it private.  I know, I’ll put it in the Impressions category with all my other weird ideas.  But this is a biggie.  Something has changed in me.  I can’t tell the difference between what is real and what is not anymore.  It’s all the same to me now.

Goodbye cruel world…

I won’t miss you.

I Write

I write

I write to escape you
Corrupted society
My words have more value
Than this world’s currency

I write to deface you
Atrociously wealthy
My blog has more value
Than all of your jewelry

I write to foreclose you
Depleted economy
If I could do to you
What you did to me

I write to transform you
Physical reality
Visions have more value
Than all of earth’s money

Whatever

I don’t know what to write.  But I want to write because I’m bored.  I’m almost always bored, except when I write.  It’s a sure way out of boredom.  It works every time.  As long as I write.  Doesn’t really matter WHAT I write.  Nonsense is good enough.  It’s just sad for whoever is reading.  Expecting some well thought out blogpost.  This is not one of them.  It’s completely spontaneous.  Going nowhere.  I’m full of everything and nothing.  Don’t know what’s going to come out next.  Change paragraph.

This is a new paragraph.  My mother-in-law is coming.  My sister-in-law too, with her new baby.  I’m drinking wine.  Well not really, my glass is empty.  Refill, please!  I never ask my wife to serve me.  Never.  Never.  I never ask for anything for that matter, from anyone.  When I want something, I get it myself.  I have this saying:  “If you want to be well-served, then serve yourself.  There is no better service.”

We went to a wedding yesterday.  Afterwards, when we got home, my wife said that I was not antisocial.  I keep saying how antisocial I am, but when I find myself in a group, I am social.  Then why do I think that I am not social?  She said I was more sociable than she was yesterday.  It’s true, I was.  I have to figure out this mystery.

I guess it’s because I don’t get a kick out of it.  Social people get energized, excited and happy when they socialize.  I don’t.  It leaves me kind of blank.  It does nothing for me.  I can make people laugh or not laugh and it’s just the same to me.  My self-worth is not based on how other people perceive me.

So what is my self-worth based on?

A belief.

Secret Stuff

Secret Stuff

Writing the secret stuff.
I often wonder how to do it.
Especially what words to use.
One wrong word and you lose the reader.

I don’t want to lose the reader.
If I write it’s to be read.
To establish a connection.
A deep connection between two strangers.

I think the secret stuff is what unites us.
It’s what makes us one.
Nothing superficial really unites anyone.
Not in any permanent way anyway.

 

Blogging Objectives

I started this blog less than 2 weeks ago.

I’m not totally new to blogging.  In the last 10 years I started two blogs, plus two websites.  But they didn’t amount to anything.

I think the problem is not sticking with my objectives.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot during the last 2 days.  Is this blog going to die like my others ones?

One of the problems is distractions.  During the first week I received many messages from the system, just like all of you did.  Here’s a short list:

– You’ve made your first post!
– June 24:  Your best day for follows on your blog!
– You’ve received 5 likes!
– June 27: Your best day for likes!
– June 27: Your best day for follows!
– You’ve received 5 follows!
– You’ve received 10 likes!
– This person liked you post!
– 3 others liked your post!
– You’ve made 5 posts!
– This person commented on your post!
– 9 others liked your post!
– You’ve received 10 follows!
– You’ve received 20 likes!
– July 1: Your best day for follows!
– This person liked your comment!
– 2 others like your post!
etc.

This is all very nice, but…  it feels like I’m playing a video game.  It’s as if this was some sort of competition, where I’m trying to accumulate points, admiration and followers.  This was not my objective when I started, and now I have this voice in my head that says: “You need more likes!  You need more posts!  You need more followers!”

So now I have to pause and think (I love to pause and think).  🙂

I’m losing track of my objectives.  What was my goal when I started this blog?  I entitled it metamorphosis.  This is what I wanted to talk about.  Now, with the Reader, the messages and all, my mind is all over the place.  I get the impression that I’m not going to win this game.

I woke up exhausted this morning and I wondered why.  It seemed like my mind had been working all night.  Next, I thought about my blog and asked myself where I was going with it.

Then this phrase came to me:  “Remove the things that are not consistent with your objectives.”

Wow!  Nice one.  This applies to my whole life in general!

I will remove the things that are not consistent with my objectives.

Starting right now.