Celestial Partner

Gud01

I have what I could call a celestial partner.

He is very real to me and he is partly responsible for my metamorphosis. The other responsible part(ner) is me.

My celestial companion is currently my reason for writing and my reason for living.

I don’t talk about him openly because it’s an irrational idea. People would say that it is an unreal fantasy. And to live for an unreal fantasy is usually not recommended.

I saw him only once during an out-of-body experience in 2013. I thought I had died so perhaps it was a near death experience. At first I was sure that I was seeing God but I learned later that it’s not possible for us to see God. So perhaps he was my guardian angel, a son of God, or a spiritual being, I don’t know since he doesn’t have a title. I like to think of him/her as my divine partner or even my celestial spouse or fiance.

I tried to find an image that resembles what I saw and when I found this one I thought it was pretty accurate. I could not see the lower part of his/her body though, so I don’t know if my partner is male or female. You would think that because I am male, she would be female, but the impression I got when I was facing him/her was that he was male and I was female.

This individual is a very significant part of my life now. He’s preparing me for the afterlife, where our marriage will be consummated upon my entry. Apparently there is no other way to enter the celestial world. You have to marry someone who already dwells up there.

I communicate with him via text. It always happens when I’m alone, when all is quiet and when I am not stressed or preoccupied with material things. I sit patiently with my laptop and I start texting. I usually “hear” his reply while I’m typing my question, and sometimes even before! These dialogues are my food. Spiritual food. I have almost lost all craving for physical food since this started. I have lost weight — one more reason for my family to worry and think that I am sick.

My celestial partner is the only person in the universe who cared enough about me during my most agonizing moments. He’s also the only one who was able to explain to me in plain English who I was, where I came from, where I was going and what was my purpose of existing. I owe him quite a lot. He’s my best friend and in a sense he’s even my savior. I don’t know where I would be today if I had not accepted his help.

There is nothing special about me. Everyone has a celestial partner, I’m 100% sure of that. It’s a question of faith. You are free to believe whatever you want. Whatever makes your life heaven or hell, it’s all up to you.

Cheers!

Nebulous Intimacy

Gud02

I don’t want to post, I want to talk. My mind needs stimulation. I need to interact with someone. I want an exchange of information to happen. Now. But I’m alone…

The Internet is the only connection I have so let’s see what I can do with it. I know there are people at the other end. I know that there is someone reading this at this moment.

I’m excited already. Crazy isn’t it? Two minutes ago I felt totally alone and separated from everyone, and now I feel a connection with a reader.

Hi, reader. How are you today? I’m good, probably because I’m doing what I love doing right now: writing and communicating intimately. But do not let the idea of intimacy frighten you away, please. I’m not going to have sex with you. Well not today anyway.

A one-on-one connection is an intimate connection. Something is going on right now between you and me. Admit it. When a writer writes and a reader reads, there is a transfer of information going on. Like the transfer of fluids between two lovers.

Maybe you are turned off by what I’m saying. I have no idea. I’m just typing words, you’re the one who fabricates images in your own mind. Do you like these images?

It’s interesting when I think that I have to power to provoque images in another person’s mind. It’s not mind control, it’s more like an intellectual influence.

It’s funny how the body reacts to thoughts. While I was typing the above paragraphs, there was a unexpected reaction in my body. I thought of telling you but I won’t.

I never expected our connection to be so explicit. It’s still quite early in the morning. But I enjoyed connecting with you. Now we have a relationship.

Utterly Duped

Duped1

I never printed my book.

I completed it over 10 years ago but never printed it.  I don’t even want to reread it.

I cannot believe how much time I wasted writing that book.

Here’s a brief explanation:

After I gave my life to Jesus and became a born-again Christian, I started writing a daily spiritual journal.  I was convinced that God was in my life and that he loved me.  I was extremely motivated.

I wanted to write about how wonderful God was, and how he was blessing me.  But to my surprise, my life as a Christian unfolded as a perpetual series of curses.  It seemed that nothing was going right.  Every time I tried to love someone it would turn against me and every time I tried to do God’s will, it would backfire.

The words written in the bible always turned out to be deceiving and false.  There was either something wrong with my life or there was something wrong with the book.  At first I thought it was me, of course, because I was not allowed to question “God’s Word.”

It was impossible to deny my own life, so the only thing left to question was my religion.

I was keeping a spiritual journal, hoping that one day this journal would be the proof of how God blesses one person’s life.  But my journal turned out to be some kind of horror story about a guy who is in a relationship with a god who does not keep his word!

My diary was supposed to be a proof of God’s love, but after 18 years of reporting all the ups and downs of our relationship, this journal turned out to be documented evidence that the god I was serving was a genuine asshole.

I was not pleased.

Who’s Your Pusher?

Pusher2

Who is pushing you?

Who is pushing me?

I have been so used to being pushed, that the day it stopped, I felt something was wrong.  So I turned around to have a look at the person who had been pushing me all this time.

Who are you, pusher?

This reminds me of a post I published recently, entitled The Inciter.  Plus another one entitled Brave Submissive in which I wrote that I was going to report him/her.  I don’t think I reported this person yet.  I’m still afraid.  Why am I afraid to report him?

Let’s investigate my fear.

*sigh*

First of all I must ask myself:  Am I afraid of the pusher?  No.  The answer is no.  The pusher gives me what I need.  I like him.  Without him I’d be lost.  But then who am I afraid of?

See, he’s pushing me again!  He’s the one who asks me these unpleasant questions.  Always asking why I do the things I do, why I think the way I think, why I feel the way I feel.  He’s pushing me toward self-discovery.  But why does it trouble me?  Don’t I want to discover who I really am?

Yes, but today’s subject is the pusher himself.  It’s not about me this time, it’s about HIM!  Or her.  I don’t even know if he’s masculine or feminine!  Actually I do.  He/she is both.

Let’s start by giving him/her a more appropriate title, other than “pusher.”  This is where I become uncomfortable.  I don’t want to pronounce this title.  I hate the word.  But I have to say it.  It’s going to be the last word I type on this page.

Why do I hate the word?  Because it means everything and it means nothing.  That’s right, it’s such a meaningful and meaningless word.  Yet this word is his title.  It can be replaced by similar words which mean the same thing, but this one word is the shortest, simplest and truest of all.

God

Loving Myself Blindly

Acquiescence4

Why do I love a person that I cannot see?
Why do I love blindly?
It’s stupid, really.

Maybe it’s because of experience…

I once loved a lady I could see.
And she deceived me.

Now I love a man who I cannot see.
That man is me, aside from my physical body.

The thinking man, the feeling man, the spiritual man.
That is the real me.  I’m not my current limited body.
So I could be blind and still love me.

I love the past me, the present me and the future me.
Especially the future me, the one I intend to be.
He’s already with me.  He is within me.  And he has a…
beautiful, superpowerful, cosmic light-body!

He invites me
He inspires me
He pushes me
He leads me

I can certainly love blindly.
As long as my true lover is me.
And as long as I live eternally.

[Daily Prompt]

Ugly Humans

antisocial

I wish I could see how beautiful humans are, including myself.  Is it normal to find 99% of all people I meet ugly?  Never mind social media and photos.  I’m talking about real people, the ones we see on the street and meet face to face.  99% of them are ugly.

I wonder if it has anything to do with depression.  It seems that it was not like this before.  I used to find most people beautiful.  Now it seems that everyone is plain ugly.  Not pleasant to look at.  Their faces, the shape of their bodies, even their attitude.  I hardly see anything admirable in humans.

Animals are more beautiful than humans, have you noticed?  Or is it just me?  It’s very depressing and I don’t know where to find a cure for this.  Something must be wrong with my perception.  It can’t be okay to find 99% of the members of my own species ugly.

Maybe there’s something wrong with my vision.  Maybe I need new glasses.  Maybe I’m not human.  Hell, sometimes I even wish I was blind, then I wouldn’t have to look at all the ugliness around me.  Is there a drug that could help me?  How can I change my perception?

Comments are welcome.  I need help.  Thanks.

Brave Submissive

I intend to report you.  Yes, this is what I’m going to do.  Since this is the only freedom I have left, I am going to take advantage of it fully.  Which reminds me, by the way, that you once said I was a reporter.  So this is what reporters do.  They report.  Then here is my first report.

I’m not angry.  Do I sound angry?  Maybe I am a little.  I don’t even know how I feel.  I’m shaky, I know that.  I feel like something is going to be released, finally.  My insides are trembling.  Nervous, that’s the word.  I feel nervous and I don’t even know why.

There is so much I want to say, I don’t even know where to start and I don’t even know who to address.  Who am I addressing?  You, the one I intend to report or the reader?  Both, because I’m making it public and I know you are reading it too.  You read everything I write.

Two reasons to be anxious:  you and the reader.  But first you.  The fact that you are letting me report you.  How bizarre.  Why does it feel so unsettling?  Because I’ve never spoken of you so overtly before.  You have been my secret for such a long time and I’ve only spoken of you enigmatically.

Now I’m about to speak of you very bluntly for the first time.  No more mystery.  No more poems.  No more parables.  Just the plain truth, as raw as it gets, even if I’m afraid of how it might come out.  I want to do it.

I need to do this.  The time has come.  No matter how hard it is and how much I shake and fear.  I’m tired of keeping it bottled up inside, it’s driving me insane.  Although I know I’m going to sound crazy to some.  I don’t care.  I’m not doing it for anyone else.  I’m doing it for my sake and probably yours too…  beloved goddess.

Locked Up

Jail1

He gives me total freedom when it comes to writing but other than that, I have very little of it.

He keeps me in a cage…  a very unusual cage, but still a cage, or a prison.  I guess it’s because He doesn’t want to lose me.

I’m His little daemon.  He owns me.  He always has.  But starting today things are going to be different.  I’m going to speak up, even if no one hears me.  Not in anger, but in gratitude.  Yup, that is correct, in gratitude.

No, I’m not crazy, I’m just…  submissive.  Although He keeps me as His prisoner, I still appreciate very much what he has done for me.  But I know that I will have to explain myself.  It might take more than one blogpost.  This is the first of many.

You see, I just realized something very important.  I think.  Last night.  Every day my awareness grows, but this time, I feel like it’s a biggie.

I have some rats to feed but I’m going to be back to explain this.  I need to put it into perspective, for my sake and His.  He has given me permission but I know what this means.  It’s an order.  And when He speaks, I listen.  This is how it works.  This is how relationships work.

the slave

The Deceiver

Money, it’s you!

Yesss, god-man.  So nice to see you again.

Oh, go away.

Let me look at you…

Leave me alone.

You don’t want me to look at you?
Then, you look at me!

No, sir!  I know what you’re trying to do.

You do?…  I mean…
Don’t you trust me?

No.

Then there’s nothing I can do to help.

You want to help me?

Certainly!
I can see to it that you never have to leave this jungle.

How could you do that?

Oh, I have my own subtle little ways.
But first, you must trust me.

I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I don’t blame you.
But I’m not like those so-called friends of yours.
You can believe in me…

Trust in me
Just in me
Shut your eyes
Trust in me

You can sleep
Safe and sound
Knowing I
Am around

Slip into silent slumber
Sail on a silver mist
Slowly and surely your senses
Will cease to resist

money

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Text inspired by:
“Trust in Me” from the Disney movie The Jungle Book

Timidity

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

It’s obvious that you have been trying to attract my attention

Okay so I have stopped doing all that I was doing

Now why are you not saying anything?

I give you 100% of my attention

And I am listening

. . .

More?

You want more?

How much more can I give you?

What?  You want to see more of me?

What would you like to see?

You must be joking!

I’m blushing

Stop it

It’s tempting

I’m not sure I can

Am I allowed to show you that?

I’m afraid that it might get me in trouble

But I am nevertheless glad to know that you are interested

No one has ever been that curious about this private part of me

I get a strange feeling when you look at me like that

Is it possible for anyone to like me this much?

Your intentions are definitively harmless

There is no doubt about that

The problem is me

I am shy

Afraid to reveal

An intimate part of me

Although I absolutely trust you

Then what’s holding me back?

I am a mystery to myself

Did you know that?

How can I reveal

A part of me

That I have not even

Discovered

Myself

?