I Write

I write

I write to escape you
Corrupted society
My words have more value
Than this world’s currency

I write to deface you
Atrociously wealthy
My blog has more value
Than all of your jewelry

I write to foreclose you
Depleted economy
If I could do to you
What you did to me

I write to transform you
Physical reality
Visions have more value
Than all of earth’s money

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Playing With Fire

Elementals1

When I was young, I didn’t know anything.  I looked at the world and didn’t know how to interpret it.  “What is this and what is that?”  I asked.  My parents told me what they knew — what they were told.

When I was 5 years old, my parents entrusted me in the hands of a man who was tall and intelligent.  They had no choice.  The law dictated it.  This old man’s job was to tell me how to interpret the world.  His name was Mr. Noitacube.

On the appointed day, I hesitantly went to his dwelling, a large rectangular building.  When he saw me, he told me to sit down, keep quiet and listen:  “This means this!”  he told me.  “This means that!”  he reiterated.  “Repeat after me!”

He seemed a bit angry.  “If you don’t answer properly, you will not pass.  If you don’t pass, you will not advance.  If you don’t advance, everyone will laugh at you.  Your parents will not be happy.  You will be miserable.  You will be rejected.  You will be a failure.  So repeat after me and give me the right answer!  I can give you points.  I can give you a score.  The higher the score, the greater you will be.  It will give you honor, and eventually money.”

I listened to him.  I was afraid.  I repeated after him, everything he said.  It was not pleasant, and believe it or not, this went on for 13 years.

The day I was allowed to leave the rectangular building, with a score card in hand, I was so happy and thought I was free.  After that I grew up, I became older, my awareness expanded, I became bolder.

I did receive a certain amount of honor and a certain amount of money, but something was missing.  I wasn’t really happy and I didn’t feel free.

I thought about Mr. Noitacube and everything he had told me.  Something was wrong with the way he had instructed me.  He never taught me how to interpret the world myself.  All he did was give me his interpretation.  His version, this one mental representation, had become my sole perception of reality.  Why was I never allowed to see things my own way?

I am not a child anymore.  I think I’m as intelligent as he was.  What would be my interpretation of the world if I had never been entrusted in the hands of Mr. Noitacube?

“Daemon, you are not a loser, you have power and you are allowed to play with fire.  Forget everything Mr. Noitacube taught you.  Reinterpret everything from scratch, based on your own experience and research.  It will be hard work but it will also be highly rewarding.  Warning:  If you play with fire, expect to be fired.  You will be discharged, dismissed and criticized.  You will be removed, terminated and forced out.  You will be sacked, driven out and chased away.  You will be attacked, blasted and shot.

But this fire will also inflame you in a positive way.  It will enkindle you, stir you and passionate you.  It will provoke you, set you ablaze and raise you.  It will fuel you, charge you and recreate you.  It will change you, transmute you and eventually, set you free.  And this, my son, will make you…  everlastingly happy.”

Deception

Deception

I remember the events that triggered my depression.  One day I realized that my wife was lying to me, my employer was lying to me, my brother was lying to me, God was lying to me, and finally I was lying to myself by thinking that my loved ones would never lie to me.  That day, I became extremely depressed and I have been trying to pull myself out of this pit of bullshit ever since.

I figured out why people lie.  There is a reason for it.  People usually don’t lie just for the fun of it, since there is a risk involved.  They lie because they feel that they don’t have much choice.  They lie because they are scared and because they are trying to survive.  They are afraid to lose something, so they lie to gain something.  It usually works in the short term, but not in the long term.

But that’s not my problem.  My problem is how to deal with it.  I can choose to be honest, but that won’t change the people around me who choose to continue to lie.  I had to come up with a solution.  Trust became an issue.  I realized I was surrounded and involved with people who lie and others who might or might not be lying, and that there was no way for me to be absolutely sure if they were.  This made me very uncomfortable and depressed.

How can I deal properly if I don’t even know if I’m dealing with truth or with lies?  All the deep connections I had with people were put on hold, until I found a solution.  Of course, trust is not really necessary with the superficial connections I have with people, but it is necessary to some degree with deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Have I found a solution?  I’m not sure.  Something weird did arise from the depression of not being able to profoundly trust anyone.  I would call it detachment.  This is what this blog is all about.  The process of detaching from this world and connecting with something better that might seem, from the outside, to be imaginary.

This detachment solution was given to me.  I didn’t have to fabricate it.  It opened up, and I received it, not knowing where it would lead me.  It got me quite far, much farther than I could have ever imagined, almost to a point of no return.  I’m looking back now and I’m asking:  “Could I ever go back to the way I used to deal with life?”  I don’t think I could.  How could I reattach to all the people and the things I detached myself from?

I realized that the only way I could truly trust people and their world would be if all of it was transparent.  As long as the world is not transparent, it will always remain possible for things to be hidden.  And hiding something is the root of deception, the foundation of every lie.

I aspire to more than this bullshitting planet, and if this means I have to daily escape in some fantastic dimension, then so be it.  If you have discovered a better solution, please let me know.

Success or Failure?

Saucer

So why did I do all of this?

“All of what?”

All of THIS!  All!  Everything I did on this earth.  What was it for?  All the trouble and pain, only to realize at the end that nothing really matters.  Even being happy… does it matter?

Is my life a success or a failure?  How do I measure it?  What is the standard?  I don’t even know what I was meant to do, so how can I know if I’m succeeding or not?

What’s the use making friends when you lose them?  What’s the use having children whose only purpose is to leave you?  What’s the use getting married when you end up divorced?

Everything I did, everything I bought, everyone I loved, all of it is worthless.  None of it matters now.  It was just entertainment, and it wasn’t even fun and I’ll end up with nothing anyway.  The only thing I have left is my soul.

A stupid soul who’s tormented, bored and not proud of anything.  I didn’t make anyone happy in this life, not long-term.  I tried to be my best but no one is satisfied with me at this point, or with anything for that matter.  Nothing matters.

Stupid people, stupid me, stupid life, stupid planet, stupid everything.  I just want to get the hell away from everything I’ve ever known here.  If only I had a flying saucer like that alien lady in the photo.  I’d be long gone in outer space, pressing the “home” button on my GPS repeatedly like a crazy maniac.

“We need a report before you leave.”

A report?  You want a report?  A report of what?

“What did you learn about yourself?”

I learned that the only valuable thing I have is my soul; I learned that I do not belong here; that I’ll never be happy here; that everything dies here; that I’m too gullible; that I’m too sensitive; that it’s impossible to get close to anyone, and when you do, it’s not satisfying anyway, nothing in this world will ever satisfy me fully.

I learned that I don’t want any of this shit.  I want to leave.  I won’t miss anything.  I was meant for more.  This planet is only good for animals.  It’s not a place for free spirits.  I have the body of a mammal, yet I am much more aware than any other mammal on this planet.  I need a new body, one that matches my level of awareness.

I learned that I am not a mammal!  Can I go now?

“Not yet.”

Ah, man, come on!

Vanity

Vanity1.png

I can’t believe that you are still trying to impress me.  After fifteen years of living together, you are still doing it.

I am not at all impressed by the fact that you are trying to impress me.  It’s not funny anymore.  It’s sad.  Stop telling me how wonderful you are, it only makes you look awful.  Don’t tell me how much your boss and your friends admire you.  This does nothing for me.  I don’t get it.  Do you think this will make me love you more?

You are so proud of yourself.  This is all I hear coming out of your mouth.  How much progress you have made, how much money you make and how many compliments you’ve received today.  It makes me feel sick.  It doesn’t make me want to hug you.

Show me your vulnerability instead.  Allow yourself to be weak and flawed in my presence.  This will impress me, because it’s reality.  The truth is what impresses me, don’t you see?

I know you want to be loved, but you’re doing it wrong.  You’ve been doing it all wrong since the beginning.  Vanity is not what will make me want to remain friends with you.  Not even your smiles.  I want to see you cry.  I want to see you recognize and regret every single word you have ever said to manipulate me.  Your words don’t impress me, they disgust me.  Be real, be defective like a normal person.  Show me the insecure side of you and I will take you in my arms to protect you.

As long as you play strong, as long as you act great and speak in vain, I will not want to be near you.  I wish you would understand this.  I wish you could realize this on your own.  Because if I tell you, I know what you will do.  You will pretend to be vulnerable just to impress me again.  It won’t be real and it won’t work.  It has to come from you.

When will you stop trying to impress me?  I can’t take it anymore.  When I see you coming, I want to run and hide.  I know what you will say.  You are so predictable.  I know how marvelous you are already.  I know, I married you!  But each time you tell me how perfect you are, it’s like you are telling me how much of a loser you think I am, because I am the opposite of you.

I know, I should love a person as flawless as you.  I should, really.  But there must be something wrong with me because I hate you.