I should post something today
– Why?
To keep my mind from…
– From what?
To keep my mind from tumbling
– Tumbling?
Yeah, tumbling
– Interesting word
Why?
– Do you know what it means?
I think so
– Did you look it up?
No
– Why don’t you do so?
Ok… tumble
Holy f… !
I felt safe inside my bubble
Until I turned into a rebel
Now I accept the unacceptable
And don’t respect the respectable
My new flag is colorful
And my briefs are edible
My dreams are probable
And my fantasies plausible
My shoulders are huggable
And my lips are kissable
My thighs are touchable
And my excitement is visible
My ideas are unconventional
And my secrets discoverable
My hunger is insatiable
And my thirst unquenchable
If I find you irresistible
Oh man, you’re in trouble
This morning I had a strange dream.
I was walking alone in the desert, thinking about my girlfriend, the problems we have and how to solve them.
Then this guy riding a bike came along. He stopped beside me and removed his helmet. I recognized him from a previous dream. His name was Harley Davidson. He smiled and said:
I know you like me
I know you do
That’s why whenever I come around
She’s all over you
I know you want me
It’s easy to see
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be on with me
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Don’t cha?
Don’t cha?
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Don’t you wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Don’t cha?
Don’t cha?
Fight the feeling
Leave it alone
Because if it ain’t love
It just ain’t enough to leave a happy home
Let’s keep it friendly
You have to play fair
See I don’t care
But I know she ain’t one to share
I know she loves you
I understand
I’d probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime
Possibly
Until then, old friend
Your secret is safe with me
– – – – – – – – – –
Lyrics by The Pussycat Dolls – Don’t Cha ft. Busta Rhymes
Picture from Shania Twain – That Don’t Impress Me Much
Today someone liked a blogpost I wrote over 10 months ago. It’s the one entitled My Frigging Loved Ones. So I reread it. Something struck me. This sentence:
“I noticed that I started to transform and I’m afraid that if ever I decide to come out, no one will recognize me.”
When I wrote “to come out” I was not referring to sexual orientation. But now I’m looking at my recent posts, and it seems to me that this is what’s happening.
I’m a bit disappointed because this is not what I expected. When I wrote it ten months ago, I was referring to coming out of my cocoon. Hopefully with wings. Like a butterfly. I was thinking of death and resurrection, not a switch in physical attraction to people.
Is this what my metamorphosis was all about from the beginning?
– Relationships are what allows you to discover yourself.
So relationships are very important in the process of personal transformation.
– Indeed.
Interesting… I never realized that there was such a close connection between sexual orientation and spiritual development.
I feel the need to come out. At least on my blog. This morning I read another blogger’s post and I feel called to do the same as her. But at the same time, I don’t think it matters much. I don’t think it will have an effect on anyone else. Some readers might be turned off. But I’m going to do it anyway.
Here it goes:
I am bisexual. Sometimes I am physically attracted to a male. Sometimes I am physically attracted to a female. Sometimes I am attracted to both. Sometimes I am attracted to none. At this moment my attraction leans toward males. I’m sure it has something to do with the disappointment I am currently experiencing regarding my last intimate relationship with a female.
To me, sexuality is about intimacy. Getting close to someone physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. It’s not just about physical pleasure, but also about the joy of sharing on many levels. We never know what a relationship can bring. Sometimes it’s pleasant, sometimes it’s not. But one thing is certain. Relationships stimulate self-discovery and growth. Therefore, who I choose to be intimate with matters much.
Don’t know what’s happening
What will tomorrow bring
The birds keep on singing
As if loss was nothing
Let’s never forget
That birds have bird brains
Playing like a cassette
After a hurricane
My world falls apart
All my hopes are gone
There is no restart
Nothing to hang on
Why go to bed
Why even wake up
Just to eat bread
And later clean up
Sitting here waiting
What will happen next
Tired of thinking
Of me and my ex
Another beginning
Let’s start over
Don’t feel like dreaming
Why should I bother
Something will happen
I can’t imagine
That this is the end
I just need a friend
But please let it be
Not a love story
My heart is broken
And dead already
Life is a mystery
Death is my destiny
Whatever happens
Might make me happy
Stupid question.
She asked me if I was happy.
My lovely wife asked me if I was happy.
– What was your answer?
I said: “I didn’t get married to end up divorced.”
We’re not officially divorced. This is why I didn’t write “ex-” in front of the word “wife.” She’s my wife. But it’s just like if we were divorced. I know how it feels to be divorced because I used to be. Before I met her. Now my second marriage has gone down the drain also.
Tabarnak <— This is a swear word. In the culture I was born into, this is what one says when one is pissed. It’s the word I never dared to say when I was young because my parents would have killed me. Good little Catholic boys NEVER say that word.
Tabarnak. Now I say it. I am pissed. But I don’t know who to blame. Me? Her? Life? God? The Universe? Nobody. No one. This is just how life goes. Life sucks. You build, you build, you hope, you hope, you believe, you trust, then everything crumbles.
Bravo, Life! Clap-clap, I applaud. “Trust the Lord,” they say. Yeah… Right… Sure… I trusted. “Love conquers all!” Bullshit. Caca. Love is a deception. Love is the sneakiest Deceptress of all time. Love has screwed up more people than mass media and the Catholic Church combined.
And now she asks me if I’m happy.
I thought she was joking.
I looked at her.
She was serious.
She is nuts.
Yes, I am happy that I have left you. Now if you could just disappear and stop reminding me of my past, maybe I could concentrate on my future. And guess what? I hope to fall in love again. Because I’m crazy. Just like this life and you.
Today I’m wondering if too much spirituality can cause a balance disorder.
Ok, I hear an imaginary crowd of people yelling a resounding, unanimous answer: “YES!”
Thank you, imaginary unanimous crowd of answering people. But what if I told you that you are all a bunch of misled materialistic slaves?
Now they are all silent and staring at me. One of them steps forward and says politely: “Maybe we are, but you are the one with the balance disorder.”
Bam!
When I think of a guy who clings to spirituality above everything else, I think of an idiot who is trying to fly with man-made wings. I think of Wile E. Coyote. Is this what I have become? What will happen next?
Never mind.
Maybe I should concentrate on being a man instead of trying to be a bird. But what about my aspirations?
I’m not very good at being human. I’ve tried it. I keep failing.
Where are you, italicized dude? You’re not answering me today?
– I’m here.
So what do you say, am I too spiritual?
– Maybe you want to be a mystic.
A Mystic: Someone who practices mysticism.
Mysticism: Becoming one with God or the Absolute, but may refer to any kind of ecstasy or altered state of consciousness which is given a religious or spiritual meaning. It may also refer to the attainment of insight in ultimate or hidden truths, and to human transformation supported by various practices or experiences.
Yes, I think I want to be a mystic. But what about my balance disorder?
– What about it?
If I would stop aspiring to become a great mystic, would I be miraculously cured of my balance disorder?
– I don’t know. You would have to try it.
Hmm… I did stop being one with You at one point. Remember what happened? I became extremely depressed and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. So perhaps I was meant to be a mystic.
– Then you must accept the balance disorder.
Thank you.
Yesterday I was thinking whether or not I should be gay.
– You cannot choose a sexual orientation.
Yes I can. Assuming that I am equally interested in males and females, I can choose who I want to be intimate with.
I spent most of my life embracing the straight (heterosexual) lifestyle. Now, after two failed marriages, I find myself at a turning point. I’m questioning everything and trying to redefine myself. Who will the new me be?
– Do you want to be gay?
Yesterday I wrote: “I want a man.” This sounds pretty gay to me. It’s not that I don’t like women. But I had two wives already. I never had a husband. I think I would like to try it. But then, friends and lovers are not things you “try.” They happen.
– So what are you saying?
I don’t know. It sounds confusing doesn’t it…
– Why did you start this post in the first place?
Oh yeah! Yesterday I was wondering if I should be gay, but today I’m asking myself: Why should my identity be based on a sexual orientation?
– It gives you focus.
True. But it also puts up barriers. Besides, I’m not looking for sex, I’m just trying to define my identity.
– What do you mean by “define” my identity?
Synonyms for Define = delineate, delimit, specify, delimitate.
Hmm… It means to put up certain limits or barriers. But what if my identity is to have no limits! Does it mean that I cannot define who I am?
– How did you define yourself in your About page?
I wrote: “Daemon is a free spirit…” You see? This is my most basic, true, profound identity. I am a free spirit. I am not even human. I could be an alien for all I know.
– But what about your incarnation as a human male, are you ignoring it?
In this blog I am, yes.
– Why?
Because I wanted to focus on the spiritual. Do you have a problem with that?
– I don’t, but you do.
You’re right. I do. I’m having an identity crisis. It’s because of my physical body. I’m not just a spirit, I’m responsible for the life of a physical human man. So is it wrong to define myself as a spirit?
– Maybe you need to define the experiences that the spirit wishes to have on earth.
So I could choose to “be gay” in order to delineate my upcoming experiences, is that what you’re saying?
– Yep.
Interesting… Something to think about… There are so many possibilities… I’m not even sure which experiences I wish to have. Sometimes I feel so fed up with this world, I just want to pack my bags and leave (die).
I’m not happy.
– What is missing for you to be truly happy?
I don’t know.
– Yes you do. Think.
I have everything.
– No you don’t. One thing is missing. What is it?
Yes, but…
– But what?
I don’t want to say it.
– Say it.
I’m afraid to say it.
– Daemon, what would make you happy? What is missing?
A man.
– A man. You want a man?
Yes.
– What kind of man?
An attractive man. A perfect man. Not a deceptive man.
– Do you know such a man?
No.
Maybe…
I don’t know.
There is no way to know if a man is deceptive.
– Think, man.
Yes, I know one.
Only one.
Me.
The only sure non-deceptive man I know is me.
– He’s available. Why don’t you take him?
Because I’m him.
– There are two of you. Both are looking for each other.
So my life is complete already!
– It always was.
My blog is about this. I write about it but I don’t believe what I write!
– One does not believe and the other one does.
So what should I do?
– Associate with me.
No, I’m not confused through the action of a narcotic drug.
I’m simply in my own space.
I’m spaced-in, not spaced-out.
Well I am both: In my own space and out of other people’s expectations.
Metamorphosis 