Identity Crisis

Gud04

Yesterday I was thinking whether or not I should be gay.

– You cannot choose a sexual orientation.

Yes I can.  Assuming that I am equally interested in males and females, I can choose who I want to be intimate with.

I spent most of my life embracing the straight (heterosexual) lifestyle.  Now, after two failed marriages, I find myself at a turning point.  I’m questioning everything and trying to redefine myself.  Who will the new me be?

– Do you want to be gay?

Yesterday I wrote:  “I want a man.”  This sounds pretty gay to me.  It’s not that I don’t like women.  But I had two wives already.  I never had a husband.  I think I would like to try it.  But then, friends and lovers are not things you “try.”  They happen.

– So what are you saying?

I don’t know.  It sounds confusing doesn’t it…

– Why did you start this post in the first place?

Oh yeah!  Yesterday I was wondering if I should be gay, but today I’m asking myself:  Why should my identity be based on a sexual orientation?

– It gives you focus.

True.  But it also puts up barriers.  Besides, I’m not looking for sex, I’m just trying to define my identity.

– What do you mean by “define” my identity?

Synonyms for Define = delineate, delimit, specify, delimitate.

Hmm…  It means to put up certain limits or barriers.  But what if my identity is to have no limits!  Does it mean that I cannot define who I am?

– How did you define yourself in your About page?

I wrote:  “Daemon is a free spirit…”  You see?  This is my most basic, true, profound identity.  I am a free spirit.  I am not even human.  I could be an alien for all I know.

– But what about your incarnation as a human male, are you ignoring it?

In this blog I am, yes.

– Why?

Because I wanted to focus on the spiritual.  Do you have a problem with that?

– I don’t, but you do.

You’re right.  I do.  I’m having an identity crisis.  It’s because of my physical body.  I’m not just a spirit, I’m responsible for the life of a physical human man.  So is it wrong to define myself as a spirit?

– Maybe you need to define the experiences that the spirit wishes to have on earth.

So I could choose to “be gay” in order to delineate my upcoming experiences, is that what you’re saying?

– Yep.

Interesting…  Something to think about…  There are so many possibilities…  I’m not even sure which experiences I wish to have.  Sometimes I feel so fed up with this world, I just want to pack my bags and leave (die).

11 thoughts on “Identity Crisis”

  1. You are very brave that you are admitting this identity crisis. I know people who feel so vulnerable being trapped in the “rules and laws of nature” defined by our society. You are absolutely right. We need to choose our “identity”, what we feel is right, to “define” ourselves – to ourselves.

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  2. Btw, I am seeing in my reader section that your site has gone private. I had to click from mail url to access your blog. Is there any provision that it shows up in my reader section as I follow you already?
    Thanks.. 🙂

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  3. When I was in my 20s and living in Washington, DC, home to lots of openly gay people at the time, I remember practically having a nervous breakdown over what my sexual orientation was as a person with DID. This was a time when you had to be an LGB or T, and no one really liked if you chose the Bisexual route. You needed to pick sides. So, I did because I found it hard to go forward with my life without knowing this simple piece of information. I ended up mostly identifying as lesbian, but in certain circles I labeled myself bisexual.
    When I look at today’s youth in the queer community, they have all sorts of labels that leave things wide open, which probably would have better suited me.
    Having said all that, I have been married to another woman for 20 years. There are parts of me who don’t consider themselves in relationship with her. Some want to have affairs with men, but don’t because we are married.
    I think having more boy parts than girl parts inside this girl body doesn’t help. To be honest, I am no clearer today then when I set out to figure this out so long ago. I decided it just doesn’t really matter, and to love the one you are with regardless of gender. I am not saying it didn’t cause problems over the many years, but I knew I was never going to solve the riddle because of the many views shared by my parts.
    All of this is to say, good luck!

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      1. Yes, really. Its definitely a journey, and I am feeling a lot better after reading several of your posts – the way you capture ‘conversations’ makes me laugh because they could be verbatim transcripts of my own mind. I am forever grateful you have shared so openly

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