Here is a brief history of my sexual preferences from age 3 to 25. It contains some explicit thoughts and some dirty words.
When I was a boy (from age 3 up to 12) I was physically attracted to ladies only. But when puberty started, my attention turned to my penis and its erections. I was intrigued by the pleasure I got when I did certain things with it. I was 12 or 13 when I had my first ejaculation.
At that time, I became curious about boys my age and their penises. I wondered if they pleasured themselves in secret just like I did. My interest in the male form (physique) started to awaken also. I began to notice the difference between cute guys from the not-so-cute ones.
At age 14, I started having wet dreams. This was a surprise and an embarrassment — to wake up in a puddle of sticky sperm every now and then. But the content of my dreams was what troubled me the most. In these lucid dreams, I was almost always in the school yard and I would pull down a boy’s pants, suck his dick and then force him to suck mine. These dreams disturbed me because I would find myself so excited when I woke up. I thought I was turning into a homosexual and I was horrified!
In the meantime, in real life, I would date girls only. Girls were attracted to me and it was easy to find a girlfriend. I had many. I would discreetly look at guys from the corner of my eyes, but would only allow myself to hug, fondle and French kiss girls. I wanted my interest in guys to go away, but the more I repressed it, the more explicit my dreams became.
At age 19, I decided to do something about it. I went to see a counselor. I was so afraid to speak about this issue that prior to seeing him, I wrote everything down. I scribbled a 5-page letter, spelling out exactly what I wanted to say to the counselor. I remember walking into his office, sitting down, pulling out my letter, and starting to read.
Basically what I was telling him was that I was gay and that I had never been able to admit it to anyone, not even to myself. My dreams proved to me that deep down I was gay. I read the letter to the end without stopping. I was shaking. To me it was like admitting defeat: I had failed as a man. I thought that I would never be a real man, that I was doomed, that I was a loser. I was ready for execution. I wanted him to pull out a gun and shoot me, right there on the spot, no questions asked.
I finished reading the letter and I sat there, staring at the floor. I didn’t want to look into his eyes. I felt relieved but at the same time totally extinguished. I thought my life was over. Finally I looked up at him and he was smiling and he said: “Daemon, you’re not gay. Dreams don’t mean anything. You’ve never had sex with a man. How can you possibly know whether or not you are gay?”
I was shocked! His comment was so unexpected. I could not believe my ears. I was also a bit disappointed because it had taken me 5 years to gather up enough courage to finally admit to someone my most secret fantasies, proving that I was gay, and he tells me that I am not!? I was so surprised, I could not speak. I simply stood up, thanked him, shook his hand and walked out.
From that moment on, whenever I would feel attracted to a guy, I would replay his words in my head, visualize his smile, hear his gentle, caring voice say: “Daemon, you’re not gay.” I chose to believe him. Yes it was a choice and it was also what I wanted to believe, so I accepted it.
My physical attraction to females was a given. I was attracted to women by default. No doubt about that. So the years went by and I continued chasing women and dreaming about sucking dick and at age 25, I married a young lady my age.
To be continued… (maybe).
This is so brave. Thank you for sharing so much, so clearly. I hope you can continue.
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The motivation to write and post this comes from you. Thank you for encouraging me.
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I am honored, but you did it! You could have hid.
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A sexuality is so fluent and diverse. Mostly, it is also a construct over which we are trying to define ourselves. I belive one should just be, instead of trying to fit in some tight definitions. Very impressive and brave indeed.
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Thank you 🙂
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There’s nothing wrong with being bisexual too. There are some bi males out there that do exist.
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I totally agree. Thanks.
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No problem.
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I don’t know if you are gay, but that shirt certainly makes you look gay, ha ha ha,
just thought I’d infuse some humour. I’ll be e-mailing you directly soon, I just got overwhelmed.
Your pal, Harlon
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It’s an old shirt. You can have it 🙂
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Accepting all parts of the self, including sexual fluidity, is not always easy. Thank you so much for sharing ❤
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Oh how hard we fluid beings try to contain ourselves! But it comes out in dreams, fantasies, or art… I blame society as a whole for needing the comfort of binary boxes. Fuck that. I’m 50, currently in love with a ‘tomboy’ woman, but have had many male lovers (and popular sexual fantasies involve a husband & wife haha). Be free. Be yourself. I’m looking forward to following this blog, and your commenters too, cheers G
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Wow, what a comment! Thank you so much for your support. Cheers!
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Great post! Really raw. Imagine how different your life would have been if your councillor hadn’t dismissed it straight away.
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