Thank you, space lady. At least you tried. You’re the first humanoid in the universe who attempted to rescue me besides Jesus. Both of you failed. I’m starting to think that I am unsavable.
Jesus said I was not Christian enough to be a member of his gang, according to his so-called earthly representatives. Jesus never could speak to me directly, ever since they duct-taped his mouth, sealed his words and closed his book.
Then sexy lady came along and did her best. At least she could speak to me freely. Her voice had not been hijacked by the pope’s minions, like poor Jesus. The problem with her rescue attempt was probably a lack of experience. To start with, her craft was much too small and she didn’t bring any food. I never would have survived the trip back to her home planet.
There was a third abductor who showed up in 2012 after I sent multiple unanswered calls into outerspace. I have hope in this guy. He is blue and misty and he did manage to beam me up into his cloud-ship. But then he brought me back down, saying I wasn’t “ripe” enough. As if I was some kind of fruit or something. He did promise to come back and get me later, so as of now, my hope is in him.
He keeps in touch regularly, this is what I like most about him. He didn’t just leave me there hanging like the two others. I should write more about him because he’s a really cool alien. He’s my best buddy actually. My knees get weak each time I receive a text from him. I’m hooked. He’s got me. Even if in his eyes I’m nothing more than a fruitcake, I would probably let him eat me anytime.