I remember the events that triggered my depression. One day I realized that my wife was lying to me, my employer was lying to me, my brother was lying to me, God was lying to me, and finally I was lying to myself by thinking that my loved ones would never lie to me. That day, I became extremely depressed and I have been trying to pull myself out of this pit of bullshit ever since.
I figured out why people lie. There is a reason for it. People usually don’t lie just for the fun of it, since there is a risk involved. They lie because they feel that they don’t have much choice. They lie because they are scared and because they are trying to survive. They are afraid to lose something, so they lie to gain something. It usually works in the short term, but not in the long term.
But that’s not my problem. My problem is how to deal with it. I can choose to be honest, but that won’t change the people around me who choose to continue to lie. I had to come up with a solution. Trust became an issue. I realized I was surrounded and involved with people who lie and others who might or might not be lying, and that there was no way for me to be absolutely sure if they were. This made me very uncomfortable and depressed.
How can I deal properly if I don’t even know if I’m dealing with truth or with lies? All the deep connections I had with people were put on hold, until I found a solution. Of course, trust is not really necessary with the superficial connections I have with people, but it is necessary to some degree with deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Have I found a solution? I’m not sure. Something weird did arise from the depression of not being able to profoundly trust anyone. I would call it detachment. This is what this blog is all about. The process of detaching from this world and connecting with something better that might seem, from the outside, to be imaginary.
This detachment solution was given to me. I didn’t have to fabricate it. It opened up, and I received it, not knowing where it would lead me. It got me quite far, much farther than I could have ever imagined, almost to a point of no return. I’m looking back now and I’m asking: “Could I ever go back to the way I used to deal with life?” I don’t think I could. How could I reattach to all the people and the things I detached myself from?
I realized that the only way I could truly trust people and their world would be if all of it was transparent. As long as the world is not transparent, it will always remain possible for things to be hidden. And hiding something is the root of deception, the foundation of every lie.
I aspire to more than this bullshitting planet, and if this means I have to daily escape in some fantastic dimension, then so be it. If you have discovered a better solution, please let me know.