Happily Depressed

I’m happy now because I met so many depressed people since I started this blog a week ago.  Isn’t it ironic?

I’m actually smiling.

I spent the whole day yesterday reading depressing stories and it’s so refreshing.  There is something genuine in the depressed that I cannot find in fake happy people.

I get so sick of facebook, where all you see is the check-out-how-happy-I-am bullshit:
– see how much I love my husband!
– see how much I love my children!
– see how much I love my dog!
– see how much I love my life!

All this positive crap makes me want to vomit.

They are all blind.  They can’t see that life on this planet sucks bigtime.

I love the depressed.  They’re authentic.  They see clearly.

I love you guys.  Thanks for sharing your depressing stories.  This was best week I’ve had in a long time.

 

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Hell

Following my experience with people, and the realization that I was being lied to, the descent into hell was quick and unhindered, like a freefall.  Nothing could stop it.

Hell3

Hell is depression and depression is hell.  To me those two words are synonyms.

I was more than hurt.  I could not believe that loved-ones could lie to me like this.  My whole belief system collapsed and I lost all my reference points.  It’s hard to explain, it’s like nothing made sense anymore.  All the connections I had with reality disintegrated in one day.  All the connections I had with people became meaningless.  I even lost my faith in God.  The concept of a loving Father became absurd.

I couldn’t even think anymore.  I was totally lost and unable to grasp logic.  It felt like I had fallen from a cloud and was now trapped, caught, stuck in a dark place, chained to the ceiling in a room with no light and no door.  I was finished, alienated and annihilated.  My spirit was dead.

I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist because I didn’t know what else to do.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and prescribed the highest dose of antidepressant allowed by law.  Plus sleeping pills because I could not sleep anymore.

I became an automaton, able to function and perform my duties but emotionless, clueless and pointless.  No pills could cure me.

This hell lasted eight years.  I’m not going to go into all the details because it would be useless.  What I want to get to is how I was rescued, which will be the subject of my next blogposts.

People

people

Something unexpected has happened to me.
I’m not proud of it.  I never asked for it.
So I’m going to write about it.

I avoid talking to people more and more.  It started about a year ago and it has developed into some kind of obsession.  I don’t want to talk to anyone!

I don’t mind writing, but being face to face with someone makes me uncomfortable.

And I think I know exactly why.

People are not transparent.  I know it sounds crazy, but I have been pondering on this for quite some time, and I think this is it.  People are not transparent and I can’t see through them and there is no way I can ever see through them.

I cannot rely on appearances.  I cannot rely on what they say either.  I can’t rely on what I think of them or on what other people have said.  I can’t even rely on my own judgment.

So when I am talking to someone, I feel like I’m opening myself up to a mysterious living creature that has the power to lie, cheat and fake it, and that there is no way for me to ever know or to protect myself.

I feel this with the members of my own family!

I know exactly why.  I have been so naïve all my life, I used to trust and believe everyone, and one day I realized that my most precious loved-ones had been lying, cheating, manipulating and taking advantage of me for years, without being aware of it.

This has caused me to almost completely shut down.  This is the major cause of my depression.

I don’t trust people, especially loved-ones.  I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone again, not until they become completely transparent.  I have to be able to see through them, to see what’s really going on behind the facades. This will never happen, not on this earth anyway.

So my family life is doomed and so is my social life.  Fortunately I can still write to people, and that I do.

I Found the Cure!

Imagine if the cure for your mental illness was found.  Not just a relief, but a cure.  A permanent cure, 100% effective and guaranteed.

Imagine if the cure was presented to you, and even given to you freely!  Would you take it?

Now stay with me, this is important.

Before taking it, you would probably ask yourself if you can trust the person who is offering you the cure.  Next, you would surely wonder if the cure itself can be trusted.

Let’s stop right here.
You haven’t taken the cure yet.
What’s stopping you from taking it immediately?

Trust.  That’s right.  The thing that is preventing you from taking the cure is not the person offering it, nor the cure itself, but it’s a question of trust.

Lack of trust is what is keeping you from taking the cure at this point.

So no matter how trustworthy the giver is, as long as you don’t believe what that person is saying, you will probably never accept his cure.

The cure for your mental illness exists.  I won’t tell you what it is because you would not believe me anyway.  In fact, you heard it already.  Nothing is stopping you from accepting the cure except your own beliefs.

The only way around this is to change your beliefs.  And only you can do that.

What If

What if I am not mentally sick after all?
What if it’s my environment that is crazy?

From the moment I was born, I was forced to:

drink this drink
eat this food
dress like this
shit like that
sleep at this time
get up now
listen to this parent
kiss this grandparent
learn this language
walk in a straight line
go to school
read this book
conform to this
abide to that
believe this bullshit
respect the authorities
obey the laws
suck this
lick that
play here
work there
buy this
sell that
vote for this
reject that
live here
die there

The recipe for happiness
Had been set up for me
Years before I was even born
Decades before my parents were born

And now they tell me
That if I’m not happy
It’s because I’m sick
And all I have to do
Is swallow these meds

This world is perfect
Do not question it
Everything was GIVEN to you
You should be thankful

Mankind has evolved
We used to be dumb animals
Now we are intelligent and civilized
The greatest species on the planet

You are FREE
You live in a free country
You are lucky
You are blessed

Thank your God
Thank your government
Thank the experts
Thank your obedient parents

You are free to choose
What kind of slave you want to be
Get a job or better yet a career
Serve this society
Give your energy
Give your life
Give your money

Everything you need can be found at Walmart
Everything you need to know is on your TV
With the Internet you can find friends
With this subscription you can find your soulmate

If you marry you will be loved
If you have children you will feel complete
If you buy a house you will be warm
If you buy insurance you will be protected

You have no reason to be sad
No reason to be anxious
No reason to be confused
No reason to ask questions

Everything has been set up for you
For your own good
Set up for you
Set up

THIS IS A SET UP
I was set up

What if I am not mentally sick after all?
What if I have been forced to adapt to a crazy environment?
And I can’t, I just can’t, because
I was never meant to live like this

I want to leave
Where’s the exit
This planet sucks
I want to get off
I never signed up for this
I trusted you and you deceived me
I asked for truth and you gave me lies
I expected freedom and you enslaved me

If I resist you will kick me
If I say no you will throw me in jail
If I refuse you will take all I have
If I retaliate you will kill me

Stupid society
I hate you
Because you hated me first
None of this is my fault

I could go on forever
This poem has no end
Every day the same thing
Every week the same routine

I’m so fed up
I had enough
I’m going to find a tree
A nice solid branch
A spot to hang myself
I’ll wrap myself up
Inside a protective shell
A sort of cocoon
Where no one can touch me
And I’m going to wait
I’m not going to move
I’m never coming out
Not until you change
And if you can’t
Then I will
And when I come out
I will be unrecognizable
I will be beautiful
I will be free
I will be happy
Because I will leave you
Stupid society
Cruel world
I know my destiny

The End